I, Me, You , Us
"I" Statements
In this age where information can be so easily found (I— used to have to go to the library …… or buy—- gasp— books to learn ) I find it amazing (and disheartening) that so few people know or practice the basics of good communications with people they care about.
This seems to especially true with new age or spiritual folks who can communicate better with the mother ship or ghosts than with fellow humans (who could really use the company and conversation).
When communicating or resolving conflicts with someone you care about (when you don’t care you can just walk away) I suggest these behaviors:
1) Take responsibility for YOUR half of the event/situation-- of what was said or done. . This means using “I” statements instead of sentences that being with “you” (you said, you did, etc).
2) This is the hardest one ! Refuse to take someone else’s inventory ! What does this mean? Do NOT tell the person what s/he did wrong. That is his/her business (and we don’t even know if it really was “wrong”—only that we didn’t like it !). We take our OWN inventory on what we did right or wrong in our eyes. Or admit to areas where we could have made better behavior choices. When using "I" statements we can say “I didn’t like it when you…..” or “My feelings were hurt when you…….”. Now we are saying what bothered us—rather than criticizing the other. The other person has a right to react, or have feelings given what you said....but neither person has a right to make the other person bad" or "wrong."
3) Because most people will not discuss what they did wrong, but instead want to discuss what the other person did or said "wrong” (blaming)—I set a boundary. I refuse to have a discussion with someone where we both discuss what is wrong with me. I shut those discussions right down (I used to tolerate this—big mistake). I will discuss what I did, and you get to discuss and reveal what you did. It always does take two. I will not discuss what I did then listen to someone dump more on me without taking any responsibility. In some cases, it really is one person’s fault—s/he lied or s/he made a serious mistake based on bad judgment. But even then we can say “I cannot tolerate that behavior.” Then we are not judging the behavior—just stating our reactions and/or limitations—we cannot or will not tolerate that behavior (tone of voice, etc).
I love this process also because it quickly identifies whom or whom not to be friends with (friends…. not associates, colleagues, etc. ). I simply will not be friends with people who do not work on themselves all the time. After all, we brush our teeth daily, change car oil, wash dishes—how can we NOT work on our self – cleaning up—on a daily basis ?! If there is ever one time I have conversation where another persons insists on discussing “what’s wrong with Marie” without looking at him/her self, that will be the last conversation I ever have with that person. This is me weeding my garden. I don't want that kind of conversation in my garden.
Two good “I’s” make a great “we” or “us”! Each person challenges the other to look at his/her self by refusing to do that work for the person. By only taking responsibility for our own behavior and not taking responsibility for blaming or making the other person wrong, we create a safe and compelling space for the other to engage in some self-examination. Whether or not the other person takes advantage of this opportunity tells us something about his/her character and integrity. This in turn allows us to make better choices in friendship (and love).
Journey on!
In this age where information can be so easily found (I— used to have to go to the library …… or buy—- gasp— books to learn ) I find it amazing (and disheartening) that so few people know or practice the basics of good communications with people they care about.
This seems to especially true with new age or spiritual folks who can communicate better with the mother ship or ghosts than with fellow humans (who could really use the company and conversation).
When communicating or resolving conflicts with someone you care about (when you don’t care you can just walk away) I suggest these behaviors:
1) Take responsibility for YOUR half of the event/situation-- of what was said or done. . This means using “I” statements instead of sentences that being with “you” (you said, you did, etc).
2) This is the hardest one ! Refuse to take someone else’s inventory ! What does this mean? Do NOT tell the person what s/he did wrong. That is his/her business (and we don’t even know if it really was “wrong”—only that we didn’t like it !). We take our OWN inventory on what we did right or wrong in our eyes. Or admit to areas where we could have made better behavior choices. When using "I" statements we can say “I didn’t like it when you…..” or “My feelings were hurt when you…….”. Now we are saying what bothered us—rather than criticizing the other. The other person has a right to react, or have feelings given what you said....but neither person has a right to make the other person bad" or "wrong."
3) Because most people will not discuss what they did wrong, but instead want to discuss what the other person did or said "wrong” (blaming)—I set a boundary. I refuse to have a discussion with someone where we both discuss what is wrong with me. I shut those discussions right down (I used to tolerate this—big mistake). I will discuss what I did, and you get to discuss and reveal what you did. It always does take two. I will not discuss what I did then listen to someone dump more on me without taking any responsibility. In some cases, it really is one person’s fault—s/he lied or s/he made a serious mistake based on bad judgment. But even then we can say “I cannot tolerate that behavior.” Then we are not judging the behavior—just stating our reactions and/or limitations—we cannot or will not tolerate that behavior (tone of voice, etc).
I love this process also because it quickly identifies whom or whom not to be friends with (friends…. not associates, colleagues, etc. ). I simply will not be friends with people who do not work on themselves all the time. After all, we brush our teeth daily, change car oil, wash dishes—how can we NOT work on our self – cleaning up—on a daily basis ?! If there is ever one time I have conversation where another persons insists on discussing “what’s wrong with Marie” without looking at him/her self, that will be the last conversation I ever have with that person. This is me weeding my garden. I don't want that kind of conversation in my garden.
Two good “I’s” make a great “we” or “us”! Each person challenges the other to look at his/her self by refusing to do that work for the person. By only taking responsibility for our own behavior and not taking responsibility for blaming or making the other person wrong, we create a safe and compelling space for the other to engage in some self-examination. Whether or not the other person takes advantage of this opportunity tells us something about his/her character and integrity. This in turn allows us to make better choices in friendship (and love).
Journey on!
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