Friendship Courage

I distinguish between associates, activity companions, intellectual companions and Friends. Associates are people we have to deal with: clients, vendors, community etc.  Activity companions for me are people who: ride horses, go to hot springs, hike, scuba, etc.  Intellectual companions are people I can talk to about psychology, spiritual practices or experiments, health, the environment, and other topics of interest. Friends are people who I love and I feel their love for me no matter what. The love is there even when we are not getting along. The commitment is there to talk things out-- no matter what. Maybe not right away, but in a timely manner. We can agree to disagree. We can acknowledge and live with our differences and respect those differences. There is something about the person that endlessly fascinates me and engages me.  And I can feel they see me in the same manner. It is how I see nature-- always changing, sometime challenging, always inspiring. I  love to spend time in and with nature and I MAKE TIME to BE with nature. It doesn't have to "give" me anything.... it just IS ... and that "is-ness" renews my life spirit.

Friends for me are people who love to spend time together. What we do is almost irrelevant.  It is that we want to spend TIME in each others' company. And like nature, even when it storms, I love it. So goes my love for my Friends, no matter what the weather. I may not play in the storms, but I don't analyze, judge, criticize, etc. I simply make some changes to accommodate the weather-- which is temporary. So I am with friends, and so I expect them to be with me.

There is often a big trap in developing friendships. People can try to become a friend because they want or need something:  "you are the only person I can talk to", "you are the only one who understands me", "you are so talented...... (beautiful, smart, funny, psychic, the list is infinite)", "you are just like me" (this said after a first conversations-- red flag!), etc.  Many of us are hungry to be admired, wanted, needed, etc. It is hard to stay detached. Detachment is life long work, at least for me it is.  I like red flags. I usually learn about them in hindsight.  Here are some of my red flags regarding friendship-- or I should say failed attempts.  The person's life is in crises and they reach out to be friends (especially if they have known you for years but never wanted to be friends before-- not until they are in pain, fear, depression, high anxiety etc.) The person seems to be able to travel everywhere, except to my house.....or in fact anywhere to meet up in person. Endless complements shortly followed by a loooong conversation where you help the person-- and this becomes a pattern rather than a singular event. Someone tells me we are exactly alike and they don't know me at all (nor do they take the time to get to know me)--- for me this is now someone looking for a mirror, not a friend. Setting boundaries causes distance and is not discussed.... ever.  And finally  (for now, I am sure there is more to learn), when there are disruptions, refusing to talk it out and refusing to own your own end of what happened ..... or if you are confused, not asking "what did I do that upset or hurt you." 

I think it takes enormous courage and heart to love ...  and that includes friendships, one of the deepest forms of love.  Love means you can be hurt-- simply because you do love the person and what happens with them matters. Love means you get to learn about parts of yourself that are not always sunny. It means you are willing to feel the pain you might have caused someone else, even if it was unintentional or that you had your head up your butt, or you put your own self interest above the friendship. Friendship requires you to take personal inventory, make amends and still take care of yourself (the best you can) as the path of friendship develops and grow.








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