Are you being Defensive?

Are you being Defensive?

Defense mechanisms are just what their name implies, mechanisms to defend you. Protection, this is Earth after all. I just read an article on how the Buddhist country of Myanmar is currently carrying out a genocidal campaign killing all non-Buddhists. Not relocating them, not asking them to leave but rather choosing genocide.  Just like the corrupt and brutal Christian crusades.Buddhist killing Muslims... We do need to be realistic about what's going on on Earth.  By the way, this is why I dislike all organized religions, because people start reading scripture and stop having a live Sacred Personal Practice. Reading literature is NOT a Practice.

Even choosing “unconditional love” when someone is attacking you or abusing you, or just being a sh*t, is still a choice on how you wish to respond to defend yourself. Puppies roll over to submit and ask for love, and every animal has an “I surrender” gesture when they submit asking for something to be resolved with love instead of attack. Wolves offer their neck, turkeys lay down flat out on their belly, neck stretched out. In nature, every living creature has protections, defenses, so why all the fuss about defense mechanisms? Because most people let their defense mechanisms choose them, instead of choosing to use your array of defense mechanisms in a conscious mindful fashion.

One of my favorite defenses does not have an official name as far as I know. When working with people who have low self-esteem, their behavior and attitude often presents as a ginormous ego, know-it-all, and a deep need to prove one’s self as better than the person they have come to for help. For them, accepting help or guidance from a human means feeling vulnerable, and feeling vulnerable to them means they are going to get hurt (abandoned, betrayed, etc.). Folks like this need to feel better than someone they admire, not only for their wounded ego, but also it is their way to feel “safe”. If I want to work with them, they need to feel safe until time and experience “proves” to them I am safe, or until they get strong enough to feel safe because of their connection with Self and Spirit. So, I provide safety by making sure I make “mistakes” that they can see. This allows them to (usually) secretly criticize and make sure that they already feel like they know more than I do, and therefore the idea I might be able to hurt them (or control them, or betray them etc.) goes way down.  I also will “reveal” shortcomings that are relevant to that person, to once again let them know they are “better “ than me, that I am not a threat, or perfect, or worth “killing” or leaving (if they are working with me). This sometimes needs to go on for over a year. Many times this can win over the wounded, sometimes they still leave, still unwilling or unable to trust enough to finally begin some real work together that would require a kind of intimacy that the wounded (filled with toxic self-hate shame about the self) cannot handle.  

How is this a defense mechanism? People often come to a Healer/Teacher as a defense mechanism. They need or want someone to attack so they don’t have to feel their own feelings. People often come to a Healer/Teacher not to heal but as a way to “win” approval from someone deemed either important or an authority and therefore are not able to work on themselves but rather spend their time manipulating everything to win approval, or accolades etc. Sometimes this goes as far as the person trying to “take over” the work of the person they came to for assistance and guidance. For those that consider themselves a “healer” or “psychic” down playing myself allows me to see them for who they think they are and they do not see me as a threat to their amazingness.  This defense system also works well in the muggle world. There I can choose to downplay myself to keep the sharks from eating me.  When I feel strong enough to face the sharks and decide to do that, I don’t use this defense mechanism; I hold my space or even push back (boundaries). This might sound easy, but it is not, and it is not perfect. It is a way of being mindful and making choices from that mindful and connected (to Self and Spirit) space as best as can be done in the moment.

Defense mechanisms are usually defined in a negative fashion, and the comment when they are used is often “you are being defensive”.  My response is “You bet I am!”  You never hear someone say “You are being defensive. I am so sorry you are not feeling safe, let’s change that” unless it is your therapist.   Every defense mechanism has a positive. Take sublimation, most people use this. You cannot slap your boss (even if s/he is being sexually inappropriate), so, until you start the lawsuit you might sublimate your energy and redirect it to exercising or art work etc. in order to handle your emotions. Reaction formation is when you have uncomfortable feelings or reactions to someone and rather than say something directly, or leave, you cover it by over compensating, being extra friendly, nice, polite, charming etc. Reaction formation is one that is good at family gatherings, however, it is a mechanism that is typically over used and unconsciously used by women (and now new agers) who are uncomfortable with feeling or expressing anything but “love” and “nice-ness” especially if you are in an industry where you are supposed to be “positive” and “nice” (read new age industry, yoga culture, religious people paid to be religious, and many therapists, etc.).  

Someone asked me if this was somehow inauthentic behavior. You make choices about your behavior and your reactions, your thoughts and emotions every second of the day. Most of these choices are mindless, reactive, or unconscious.  Making mindful choices instead, is that being inauthentic? Do you consider unconsciousness as “excusable” behavior?  I suppose that is a personal choice or personal preference. Something for you to look at, no?

Mindfulness in your daily life will allow you to notice and identify what defense mechanisms you use and when. You will also be able to begin to learn when you choose to defend yourself unconsciously, by rote, versus when you are making choices. I always strongly suggest carrying around a small pad and pen (pulling out your phone will look rude, like you are texting) and make notes on your mindful observations of your Self throughout the day. Most people are not that good at being mindful, and life is often so busy and complicated it is impossible to be mindful without taking a few seconds to notice and track what you are doing, feeling, and choosing. Additionally, daily notes will allow you to review your observations either daily or weekly and reflect and meditate on them. Only this kind of careful work will allow you make changes.  Even more importantly, writing notes for a few seconds will bring you inside to your Self throughout the day and only when you are “home”, actually in touch with You, can you receive Guidance and be able to sense it, feel it, and hopefully use your beautiful intuitive Self connected to Source to respond to life instead of your unconscious wounded ego.

Journey On