Maitri -- Self Hatred and Love
Self Love. We throw that term around (along with many other trending terms). Often confused with narcissism. The narcissists’ self-love is dependent upon praise and admiration from others. Narcissists need
that praise and admiration because there really is no love of Self, so like a perpetual vacuum, they seek to fill themselves up from external sources. Empaths feel that emptiness and are attracted to it, seeking to fill the hole and to be assured they are loved because they are needed .... not just loved. Need and love. A combination destined for dysfunction.
Without shadow work, one remains wounded, confusing need with love or combining the two with no distinction. Without shadow work, buried emotions and shame create a deep and usually unconscious need to bolster a false self love by the desire to be needed by another (proof one is valuable, good, worthy, etc) guaranteeing repetitive dysfunctional attempts to participate in mature and healthy love relationships. Without shadow work one will, like a narcissist, seek to create situations where one can be adored and praised (in addition to being needed) as a way to keep the darkness at bay and to heal the dull ache of unacknowledged and unhealed emotions and shame from the past.
Once shadow work is done and now one daily reviews one's choices and actions, there is little that can offend. If someone points out one of your shortcomings (say, impatience), you will already know this about your self and can respond that it is sometimes true. There is a detachment and often humor about one's shortcomings, rather than shame or defensiveness. This ability to no longer be insulted or hurt by personal emotional attacks is a lovely side effect of shadow work. Because you have confronted and become friends with your darkness (and we all have darkness) you are more free to love, rather than react to protect some hidden aspect of your self. You understand that people who seek to hurt you through criticism or personal attacks are coming from their own un-examined, unhealed darkness of the Self.
Self love is not the culture of "go ahead and do it/buy it.... you deserve it" culture. That is yet another aspect of an unhealed relationship with the Self. When one loves, another or the Self, there is rarely (if ever) enough neglect occurring that one now "deserves" something. There is instead a steady flow of care. We don't let a garden die and wither, or a pet starve, and then do something special because they now deserve it. This "you deserve it" slogan is a monster created by a social media consumer culture that needs screwed up people soothing themselves with all kinds of retail therapy to support an industry of fake feel good solutions.
Healthy self love is the cornerstone of a great love affair, with your Self, with other humans including a partner, and with Spirit. Without this area of life being in good working order one will always have to wonder if s/he is using some external stimuli to prop up some internal undiscovered or unhealed decay. Because unhealed shadows do cause decay and will eventually surface and abscess in one's life, usually as a particularly stinky lesson. Shadow work does not remove lessons. It does however soften them a great deal and clears the way to receive more Guidance working through our lessons. The same with having a Spiritual Discipline. Lessons become more of adventures than trips to the hospital or the desire to check into a mental institution (or drink, drug, etc).
Why all of this emphasis on shadow work? Because Self Love means loving the Self.... all of it. The dark and the light. The faults and the gifts. The mistakes and the accomplishments. If we don't look at it all, embrace it all, we are only loving the parts of the self we think we can tolerate. And then we attract relationships and other externals to keep the darkness at bay.
There are many ways to work on Self Love and it will be a different path for each individual. It can be done alone.... that choice is a bit of a long and lonely path and one often chosen when there is a great deal of shame involved. It can be done in therapy or with a Spiritual Teacher if you have the good fortune to find an excellent practioner. But shadow work, an initial effort and then a daily practice, is always a part of the development of a healthy, vibrant, cheerful, fun loving, spiritual beautiful relationship with You that you can then share with Another.
Learn to be in love daily with your Self, and your Life. All aspects of it. All. Don't neglect or abandon your Self or get into jams where you now need to "deserve" something to "make it all better." When we are in good shape, we have more to give to others, to life, to society, to Spirit. If you don't know how to proceed, ask Spirit for Guidance and remember Life Path Healings offers many tools to help you in this Journey. When will it be the time for you to fall in love....with You? With your Life?
Journey On.
Without shadow work, one remains wounded, confusing need with love or combining the two with no distinction. Without shadow work, buried emotions and shame create a deep and usually unconscious need to bolster a false self love by the desire to be needed by another (proof one is valuable, good, worthy, etc) guaranteeing repetitive dysfunctional attempts to participate in mature and healthy love relationships. Without shadow work one will, like a narcissist, seek to create situations where one can be adored and praised (in addition to being needed) as a way to keep the darkness at bay and to heal the dull ache of unacknowledged and unhealed emotions and shame from the past.
Once shadow work is done and now one daily reviews one's choices and actions, there is little that can offend. If someone points out one of your shortcomings (say, impatience), you will already know this about your self and can respond that it is sometimes true. There is a detachment and often humor about one's shortcomings, rather than shame or defensiveness. This ability to no longer be insulted or hurt by personal emotional attacks is a lovely side effect of shadow work. Because you have confronted and become friends with your darkness (and we all have darkness) you are more free to love, rather than react to protect some hidden aspect of your self. You understand that people who seek to hurt you through criticism or personal attacks are coming from their own un-examined, unhealed darkness of the Self.
Self love is not the culture of "go ahead and do it/buy it.... you deserve it" culture. That is yet another aspect of an unhealed relationship with the Self. When one loves, another or the Self, there is rarely (if ever) enough neglect occurring that one now "deserves" something. There is instead a steady flow of care. We don't let a garden die and wither, or a pet starve, and then do something special because they now deserve it. This "you deserve it" slogan is a monster created by a social media consumer culture that needs screwed up people soothing themselves with all kinds of retail therapy to support an industry of fake feel good solutions.
Healthy self love is the cornerstone of a great love affair, with your Self, with other humans including a partner, and with Spirit. Without this area of life being in good working order one will always have to wonder if s/he is using some external stimuli to prop up some internal undiscovered or unhealed decay. Because unhealed shadows do cause decay and will eventually surface and abscess in one's life, usually as a particularly stinky lesson. Shadow work does not remove lessons. It does however soften them a great deal and clears the way to receive more Guidance working through our lessons. The same with having a Spiritual Discipline. Lessons become more of adventures than trips to the hospital or the desire to check into a mental institution (or drink, drug, etc).
Why all of this emphasis on shadow work? Because Self Love means loving the Self.... all of it. The dark and the light. The faults and the gifts. The mistakes and the accomplishments. If we don't look at it all, embrace it all, we are only loving the parts of the self we think we can tolerate. And then we attract relationships and other externals to keep the darkness at bay.
There are many ways to work on Self Love and it will be a different path for each individual. It can be done alone.... that choice is a bit of a long and lonely path and one often chosen when there is a great deal of shame involved. It can be done in therapy or with a Spiritual Teacher if you have the good fortune to find an excellent practioner. But shadow work, an initial effort and then a daily practice, is always a part of the development of a healthy, vibrant, cheerful, fun loving, spiritual beautiful relationship with You that you can then share with Another.
Learn to be in love daily with your Self, and your Life. All aspects of it. All. Don't neglect or abandon your Self or get into jams where you now need to "deserve" something to "make it all better." When we are in good shape, we have more to give to others, to life, to society, to Spirit. If you don't know how to proceed, ask Spirit for Guidance and remember Life Path Healings offers many tools to help you in this Journey. When will it be the time for you to fall in love....with You? With your Life?
Journey On.
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