You don't drink-- but you are still an alcoholic .. wha????
The alcoholic culture. If you were raised by drinkers, or even by parents that didn't drink but they were raised by drinkers, all you have ever learned is how to BEHAVE like an alcoholic-- just without the high (or the puking, liver disease etc).
What is the alcoholic culture? First off, lying. Alcoholics learn, and teach their children to lie. Always get out of a tight spot. After all, that is one of the reasons people drink-- they cannot handle emotions or reality. It is too much pressure and they are lacking social skills and the courage it takes to implement social skills. If you have been raised by an alcoholic, even if you do not drink... if you have not done some recovery or re-set work, all you know to do is lie: To keep the peace, to make everyone happy, to not feel your feelings, or because you have no other social skills to respond.
If you are first or second generation raised by alcoholics and again you have not done any recovery work all you have learned is how to respond as an alcoholic, even if you don't drink. The constant lying as a first response also means that you typically have no idea what you are feeling! The lie to escape behavior is addictive. You learn to lie to yourself as well.
You cannot have close relations.....with yourself or with others. You are so busy hiding, and hiding the lies, there is not much energy (or courage) left to be real, to be honest, to be vulnerable or to negotiate disagreements or conflicts with others. The latter is a normal part of any close friendship or relationship and non drinking alcoholics hate conflict even more than they hate feeling their real feelings. As soon as a relationship gets close enough to have need for some day to day negotiations, your alcoholic personality will lie. Even small white lies are the norm, rather than honesty. Of course as you become used to lying to yourself, after a while you don't even know what is the truth any more.
The alcoholic culture is addicted to creating "fun" , chaos, adrenaline, and endless "big moments." Why? Doing these things out of proportion are all additional ways to self medicate-- to not feel. To replace any... did I say any?... uncomfortable feelings with "BIG" feelings as a distraction or a way to numb out. It also makes the alcoholic personality very appealing, fun to have around, a party favor. So the alcoholic personality kind of gets used to providing everyone with a good time (like a "ho") then goes home to lick his/her wounds. In fact, the alcoholic personality begins to cease to exist.... except when they are showing up as a "good time" for someone else (co-dependence).
There are areas of our country that are completely alcoholic culture saturated. Areas where therapy, self help, 12 step, reading, research etc are not popular at all. It is very hard to move from a self aware part of the country to an alcoholic section of the country (as I have done). If the entire culture in the area is based on alcoholic behavior, no one sees it as dysfunctional. It is the norm. The norms are lying is a first response, people always creating false emotions to control or avoid real ones, and everyone presents a false self for the public for so long it has replaced any desire or skill to be the real you (in fact the real you is so buried it cannot be found), and finally, inconsistent irresponsible behavior --- because alcoholic personalities never hold themselves responsible for any thing-- they always blame others or "life." If you come from an area where recovery IS normal, it is shocking to live in a place where almost everyone lives with these dysfunctions, as norms!
This is not just true for alcoholic culture. If you were raised with incest, chances are (statistically speaking said Mrs PhD) you will marry someone who will incest or hurt your children....or you will. Sadly the alcoholic culture is much more accepted than the culture of incest and violence and therefore most people see no reason to have to break out of their dysfunctional alcoholic upbringing. Do remember that typically (if not always) alcohol contributes to incest and violence. And if you were raised by drinkers, chances are incest, molestation, and violence (definitely psychological violence) occurred....and EVERYONE LIED about it ever occurring.
If you were raised by alcoholics, or your grand parents were alcoholics, and no one went into recovery, all you know, all you have been taught is how to behave like drunks do-- even without the alcohol you still will carry out the behaviors you were taught as a child. You are an addict-- addicted to behaving like a drinker. Venture out of your box. Break the chain of dysfunction. Educate your self. Work on your self. Seek out Spirit to lead you from the small world you were taught to believe was the only way... and learn to live in the Light.
(Most people no longer read, or study.... for those who do, here is a great link about Plato's story of The Cave, and how it relates to breaking out of a stuck paradigm. The Cave-- breaking free)
Here's hoping you see you are living in a cave, living with shadows and will venture out to learn a new way to live.
Dr Marie
What is the alcoholic culture? First off, lying. Alcoholics learn, and teach their children to lie. Always get out of a tight spot. After all, that is one of the reasons people drink-- they cannot handle emotions or reality. It is too much pressure and they are lacking social skills and the courage it takes to implement social skills. If you have been raised by an alcoholic, even if you do not drink... if you have not done some recovery or re-set work, all you know to do is lie: To keep the peace, to make everyone happy, to not feel your feelings, or because you have no other social skills to respond.
If you are first or second generation raised by alcoholics and again you have not done any recovery work all you have learned is how to respond as an alcoholic, even if you don't drink. The constant lying as a first response also means that you typically have no idea what you are feeling! The lie to escape behavior is addictive. You learn to lie to yourself as well.
You cannot have close relations.....with yourself or with others. You are so busy hiding, and hiding the lies, there is not much energy (or courage) left to be real, to be honest, to be vulnerable or to negotiate disagreements or conflicts with others. The latter is a normal part of any close friendship or relationship and non drinking alcoholics hate conflict even more than they hate feeling their real feelings. As soon as a relationship gets close enough to have need for some day to day negotiations, your alcoholic personality will lie. Even small white lies are the norm, rather than honesty. Of course as you become used to lying to yourself, after a while you don't even know what is the truth any more.
The alcoholic culture is addicted to creating "fun" , chaos, adrenaline, and endless "big moments." Why? Doing these things out of proportion are all additional ways to self medicate-- to not feel. To replace any... did I say any?... uncomfortable feelings with "BIG" feelings as a distraction or a way to numb out. It also makes the alcoholic personality very appealing, fun to have around, a party favor. So the alcoholic personality kind of gets used to providing everyone with a good time (like a "ho") then goes home to lick his/her wounds. In fact, the alcoholic personality begins to cease to exist.... except when they are showing up as a "good time" for someone else (co-dependence).
There are areas of our country that are completely alcoholic culture saturated. Areas where therapy, self help, 12 step, reading, research etc are not popular at all. It is very hard to move from a self aware part of the country to an alcoholic section of the country (as I have done). If the entire culture in the area is based on alcoholic behavior, no one sees it as dysfunctional. It is the norm. The norms are lying is a first response, people always creating false emotions to control or avoid real ones, and everyone presents a false self for the public for so long it has replaced any desire or skill to be the real you (in fact the real you is so buried it cannot be found), and finally, inconsistent irresponsible behavior --- because alcoholic personalities never hold themselves responsible for any thing-- they always blame others or "life." If you come from an area where recovery IS normal, it is shocking to live in a place where almost everyone lives with these dysfunctions, as norms!
This is not just true for alcoholic culture. If you were raised with incest, chances are (statistically speaking said Mrs PhD) you will marry someone who will incest or hurt your children....or you will. Sadly the alcoholic culture is much more accepted than the culture of incest and violence and therefore most people see no reason to have to break out of their dysfunctional alcoholic upbringing. Do remember that typically (if not always) alcohol contributes to incest and violence. And if you were raised by drinkers, chances are incest, molestation, and violence (definitely psychological violence) occurred....and EVERYONE LIED about it ever occurring.
If you were raised by alcoholics, or your grand parents were alcoholics, and no one went into recovery, all you know, all you have been taught is how to behave like drunks do-- even without the alcohol you still will carry out the behaviors you were taught as a child. You are an addict-- addicted to behaving like a drinker. Venture out of your box. Break the chain of dysfunction. Educate your self. Work on your self. Seek out Spirit to lead you from the small world you were taught to believe was the only way... and learn to live in the Light.
(Most people no longer read, or study.... for those who do, here is a great link about Plato's story of The Cave, and how it relates to breaking out of a stuck paradigm. The Cave-- breaking free)
Here's hoping you see you are living in a cave, living with shadows and will venture out to learn a new way to live.
Dr Marie
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