Hanging out with the Masters

 Hanging out with the “Masters”

Before there was formal education there was apprenticeship. If you were lucky enough, a mentor would agree to take you on and you would learn trade skills, a career, and life skills by immersing yourself in the life of a mentor and shadowing him/her. A modern version is called hands on learning which is close to an apprenticeship, but more formal and less immersion. Hands-on learning applies book knowledge to real life application. You use all of your senses, including your intuition when you are engaged with hands-on learning and by being immersed in the experience of working with a mentor. Apprenticeship, immersion learning, hands-on is also the only way to learn “culture”. As a teacher most of my students were from poorer families, many were ex-gang members, and some were homeless.  They were going to college to improve their lives and one of the things I taught them was to go hang out in Beverly Hills or whatever neighborhood had relevant synchronicities so they could learn to “fit in” for their new career, and not just act like “the hood”. A brilliant example of this is portrayed in the movie In Pursuit of Happiness, starring Will Smith; because a huge part of being successful in life is being able to fit in to the culture of your career, especially if you are trying to escape the prison of poverty.

Learning by surrounding yourself with people who have values integrity wisdom or a lifestyle that you wish to learn about and or emulate is one of the best and most profound methods of experiential learning and learning in general. Immersion learning is The Way; it is The Tao.  You participate in immersion learning every day, everyone does; it is called Life. Some participate unconsciously, some with awareness. Some fight it all, some accept and focus on learning and having fun.  Part of immersion learning, a large part, is every relationship you have with other people. Who you spend time with, who you play with, who you work with, who you choose to be intimate with influences you either for the better or for the worse; there is nothing neutral. You hang out with people who drink or get high, you hang out with people who are flakes, you hang out with people who evade and dodge rather than are straightforward and you will both consciously and unconsciously learn to emulate these patterns. Becoming a better person takes practice. And every day you are practicing at either becoming a better person or a lesser person. Book learning gives you information but nothing changes without practice. Reading or listening to a podcast about a diet does not mean you have now gone on a diet. Reading or listening to a podcast about boundaries, having good relationships and psychological tools does not mean you have learned anything unless you use what you have listened to or read. Information has to be applied, with energy and attention in order to be learned. Applied information needs to be monitored and evaluated in order to be synthesized, integrated, and morph into wisdom.

Learning through immersion is a multi-sensory, multi-dimensional rich and complex experience and it is the most powerful method of learning. Life, daily life, is immersion education, immersion learning and that means each relationship you have with another human is immersion learning but unfortunately most people are so checked out on a daily basis they are not present for the learning until the learning escalates into a crises or disaster and then you pay attention, and then you learn.  This is the path of muggles.  Immersion relationships with Teachers (be it life teachers, professors, a mentor boss or Spiritual Teachers) does not mean a cult or codependency. It means that you consciously chose to interact in an awakened manner, to energetically experience and to notice all the cues and learnings that come in from the physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual sources while you spend time with someone you consider a mentor; someone you consider to be a role model for you in a few or many aspects. Yes you can learn from peers but that is something different and in fact you do learn from all your friends so again if you're hanging out narcissists, passive aggressive people, unhealed victims etc. you can't help but learn to emulate those behaviors; it's inevitable and unavoidable. Hanging out with someone you look up to as having skills and/or behaviors you admire, someone you look up to as a mentor or a teacher is a special kind of hanging out. It is an honor and a privilege and it means you are there not only because you like them and like spending time with them but also because you treasure the immersion of what you are learning. An important note: If you don't like the person you should not be hanging out with them because that now is a hustle. And if you like the person you should not be hanging out with them to people please in order to receive accolades and praise as a way to externally reinforce your low self-esteem.  You should be hanging out because you can't imagine anything else you'd rather be doing and any other way you'd rather be learning and you genuinely enjoy spending time with your chosen mentor

For over two years I traveled periodically with a man who trims horse feet. So not only did I learn to trim feet I learned how to handle customers and horses… and I got to practice. He was and is a redneck, self-proclaimed. He often uses terms that would be considered racist or prejudiced and he drinks a lot and smokes weed. None of this matches my lifestyle. However his heart was big and generous and good and he never acted on his prejudice, he just made terrible jokes. He was honest about his drinking and smoking weed and made no pretense about it.  I admired his values and integrity in how he handled his life and the people in his life. Even though diversity wise we were quite different I saw he was a kind, generous, smart and loving person in his actions and behaviors. He sometimes made poor choices (in my opinion only) and I often got angry or felt slighted. But I took all that on as my learning, not demanding he be perfect or take care of my reactions or act the way I thought he should act. He encouraged me to take risks and to learn and I was able to be criticized and corrected without it turning into a huge drama or for me to take it somehow as a personal power play. We had fun and it was through the informal conversations and “hanging out” that I learned more jewels of wisdom that I could ever imagine. I literally saw, felt, and experienced, well, everything, and far more than I would have learned in a formal well-presented, well-crafted workshop where “mistakes” are eliminated in order to ensure that participants will come back for more workshops. Formal learning presents the ideal which never exists in life.  Life learning, immersion experiential learning puts includes using all the senses, and incorporates and uses the experiences of mistakes and “messiness” to provide a rich, real life contextual experience of learning.

When I was in my 20s I had spiritual parents who were in their 70’s, not exactly what you would call playmates, yet I spent every spare moment I could with them and none of my friends could see the point. But I wanted to learn what it was to be a spiritual person not just to do spiritual things. Watching the husband and wife interact hanging out at the pool and being given bits of information here and there throughout my hours there as well as my formal teachings is something I have never forgotten. I loved and still treasure being loved in a healthy manner (rather than my own dysfunctional parents). I experienced nurturing, companionship and most of all I was exposed to being treated with respect in how they related to me, in how they related each other and in how we interacted. I learned to take criticism and to see and feel “criticism” as corrections, teachings, given because they loved me so much they wanted me to improve, grow, and to be a better me. I was able to practice being a better me when I was around them. And I really liked them as well as loved them. I liked their lifestyle, their values, some of which were completely different than my values and thus I learned diversity as well. All was modeled to me and I was able to practice and model new behaviors being with them. This was all in addition to learning all spiritual skills, methodologies and tools they were teaching me.

Not only does immersion education teach you on a multi-sensory multi energetic level it also strengthens your character. You learn not to manipulate others to get what you want. You learn to be in an important relationship. You learn how to take risks and fail and come back rather than run off. You learn to praise yourself and get praise without becoming arrogant or self-important. You learn to express your own appreciation of others and to give thanks and even praise to others without using that to manipulate the relationship or to try and get more “love” or attention.  This brings up another point. If you are given the honor to take on some responsibility, handed to you by your mentor, you will learn more about yourself.  Can you turn down the offer when you feel scared or that it is too much or you feel you are not yet ready? Or do you blow the opportunity and sabotage it and yourself and in fact (in your mind) your whole relationship with your mentor? Are you able to step up to the challenge? Do you have the strength to say I'm not ready for that yet? Or maybe you find out that you don't really mean it, that you just were hanging out for the wrong reasons and now that you have a chance to step up you find out that you have been false all along. There's no better way to learn this than a conscious apprenticeship.

There will be elements in the mentor relationship that look like friendship however this is not your normal friendship where you get to screw up, screw each other over,  avoid each other, don't speak, don't work things out,  get drunk, or smoke some weed. Friendship with a mentor is part of an apprenticeship. A mentor cannot have an apprentice hanging around and not have it be friendly; it just isn't tolerable.  If you cannot have some level of friendship and comradery with a mentor, stick to formal learning in a structured situation. Having a friendship with a mentor means that there is a level of respect brought into the relationship above and beyond the norm. What is also spectacular about the mentor relationship is it will teach you to bring respect into all your other important relationships. Most people these days do not know how to act respectfully.

Having a “relationship” with a mentor gives you an opportunity to not only learn, but to practice being in a respectful relationship. Because you don't want to lose the relationship and you will learn how to bring that special respect care and attention into all your relationships in the future. This is especially important if you grew up in a dysfunctional family and you realize that you literally have no idea how to be close to someone, how to be careful but not fearful, how to apologize,  how to not leave, how to stay close and yet give space when needed and how to work through conflict. The latter is probably the foremost skill needed for any relationship (see Gottman’s  ground breaking work on relationships) because every relationship (including friends, family, coworkers, supervisors as well as intimate relationships) includes conflict and therefore skills in conflict resolution are needed.  Sadly, most people usually resort to “not talking about it”, zone out, numb out, or leave. Because you usually have more at stake wanting to stay with a mentor than anyone else (other than perhaps a lover when sex and/or fantasy romance is used as the binding priority) you will not be so quick to give up on this relationship (hopefully) and it will give you the motivation and opportunity you actually behave and work through and sustain a relationship that means something to you.

It is hard to find good teachers/mentors in this day and age in general and especially difficult to find a true Spiritual Teacher who actually has a Practice, a Path.  In fact, it is hard just to find good people; it takes some committed effort. I invite you to examine who you are hanging out with who you spend your time with. I invite you to seek out mentors and apprentice yourself. This means you will have to be able to take risks, not leave, not manipulate to receive complements, not create drama with your Mentor. If you have not done a great deal of work on yourself, make sure you have a support system so when you feel insecure, or challenged and scared you have a therapist counselor or support group to go to and work out your reactions and feelings with rather than blowing up your mentorship. Do not take this on if you cannot handle boundaries, or if you are a self-identified codependent or adult child of an alcoholic, or if you have ambition to become your mentor rather than learn from your mentor. Do not try to sleep with your mentor or “steal” their business or clients. Do not try to emulate your mentor; you need to learn and apply what you learned to yourself and create your own version of you. And finally should you be so lucky to find someone to mentor with (be it your boss, professor or anyone you admire and want to learn from) consider yourself blessed. It is not easy in this day and age of social media influencing presentation and falsehood to find a true mentor who walks their talk, who lives their Path.

There is some worry about cult abuse and giving away their power and those are very good things to worry about.  There are plenty of articles available for you to read and educate yourself about these two subject matters. Don’t let fear shut down your desire to experience the most amazing relationships life has to offer, that of mentors and teachers (both muggle and spiritual). In America people typically want to do everything by themselves, their own way. And not only do they want to do it their own way they don't want to fail, they don't want to look bad, they want to have a good social media presence, they want to be popular and they don't want to experience any so-called negative  (meaning unpleasant) emotions. Don’t succumb to the current culture of ignorance, entitlement, narcissism and self-aggrandizement as that only cultivates a life of misery and addictions.  Again this is a short article that cannot possibly give you all the information you need to know so look up experiential learning. And most of all, examine your motives. What is it you really want out of this life?

Here is a wonderful article giving some guidelines regarding mentorship: http://www.newernegroes.com/blog/2016/5/10/10-things-to-consider-when-choosing-a-spiritual-mentor

Journey On

Dr. Marie Feuer

Life Path Healings, Yucaipa California

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