Is your Soulmate your predator?

Is your “Soul Mate”   your predator?

“S/he knows me so well. S/he has taught me so many things about myself.” Surely these are signs of twin flame or a soul mate. I don’t think so. You might want to use these sentences regarding a therapist or a Teacher or healer, but even then I would be careful. If you are “longing” for someone to “get” you, for you to be or feel “seen” on a “deep” level you might as well wear a tee-shirt with a bullseye on it that says “prey”. If you are so wounded, so empty that you need to be “gotten” by another person, you need some deep and prolonged work on your Self, your Higher Self, your inner child and your relationship with Source. Even with working with a Teacher or Healer, if they are doing most of the work, telling you all about yourself, your Self, they are telling you a narrative, a story. Stories don’t solve problems or heal. Information does not heal. It can point you in the right direction but ultimately information does not heal, action does.  So if your healer, Teacher, therapist etc. is telling you all about your Self and that is all they are doing, you might want to reconsider, rethink, how much help you are getting. It is a brain f*ck to get information only. In other words, your brain feels happy with the orgasm of words but that will wear off. You will then trot off for another orgasm. After a few years you might seek out something more long lasting, or not. There is nothing wrong with information but all information, especially stories that make you feel better rather than stimulate you to start thinking, reflecting, questioning, ultimately do not lead to positive change. Your “healer, Teacher, therapist should be asking you questions, playing back to you the things you say so you can truly “hear” what you are saying in order for you to do the heavy lifting of figuring out who you are right now, what you are feeling, and to re-examine your current choices to see if they are beneficial to you or harming you. All of this will make you more conscious, able to participate in your healing and your Soul Evolution rather than being fed “feel good” narratives or explanations.

When you are wounded inside you are looking for, praying for, desperate for validation. You are lonely because you are also not able to be in a relationship with your Self or your Higher Power so any person who “gets you” will be your savior, your soul mate. When you are more of a whole person, you do not have that gaping hole inside of you, waiting, demanding, to be filled.  You Know your Self, you have self-care and play in place and you don’t need anyone to tell you who you are because you already know. Now you are looking for someone who will appreciate and love who you are rather than “tell you” who you are which is usually followed by some ideas on how you really “should” be and telling you to accept behaviors that harm you. “Getting” you then “helping” you become a “better” person are the actions of a predator, specifically narcissists. This is often called love bombing followed by gaslighting. Narcissists are not necessarily sociopaths or psychopaths, although they can be and often the two are connected. Narcissism is a character disturbance which can develop into a disorder. Narcissism is the flavor of the last decades replacing the neurosis of Freud’s age and the psychological character of the world industrialized cultures (read up on this via Dr. George Simon, Character Disturbances). In other words, there are lots of predators out there these days and predators feed on insecure people and people with insecurities.

Predators are psychic. They know who to go after and how. This is well known science as well as documented in the interviews and studies of rapists and pedophiles. Predators sense weaknesses and use those to get close to you.  The complements they give you will be specifically targeted to your areas of weaknesses to win your trust and affection. There is nothing wrong with complements, but they are like dessert, not the full meal and too many complements, especially too soon in a relationship (including relationships with therapists and Teachers) are a sign of a predator, or a needy person acting like a predator because they are empty too and need to see you smile and adore them for the complements they are giving.  On the other side of that, if people pressure you for complements or declarations of “love”, usually through manipulation but sometimes directly saying “I need to know you love me” that too is a red flag. “I need to know you love me” is often a demand of a covert aggressor who wants assurance that you will comply with their demands (asked via manipulation, not directly) because you “love them”.  If you cannot tell through behaviors and actions and choices that someone cares for you, something is dreadfully wrong. Too often people listen to words (“I love you, you are amazing.”) and ignore such actions as the person not spending quality time with you, does not put you first in any way, ignores your requests and boundaries or violates some of your bottom line needs.

No one should talk about you, who you are, evaluate you, analyze you, and critique you or complement you without you asking them to do so. People have all the right in the world to say “When you do____________ I feel” as a way of giving feedback. In that fashion they are commenting on what they can and cannot tolerate. People can also use that formula for loving positive feedback not just criticism, for example, “I think you look beautiful” versus “You are beautiful”. When people start a sentence with the word “you” instead of “I” you have a right to set a boundary asking them not to talk about you without your permission. You can ask them to start the sentence with an “I” in order to talk about themselves, their feelings, and their reactions to your choices and behaviors.   

When people start a sentence with “you” without your permission they are running an agenda, whether they know it or not. “I think you look beautiful” is more powerful and honest and authentic statement than “You are beautiful”.  In my early years of growth I as very strict in this area of behavior as I as working hard on building and  nurturing my relationships with my Inner Self and my Inner Child and my Higher Self and Source. Any “you” statements were very disruptive. I found that healthy people had no issue with this request and discovered that in fact, healthy people tended to use “I” statements, to “stay in their lane” (a fact that shocked me lol).  As I got stronger this has become less of an issue so while I now can and sometimes will tolerate “you” statements, I am also acutely aware of when someone speaks about me, to me, without my permission and almost always this turns out to be a red flag indicating that I need to set very strong boundaries with that person in many other areas of behavior as well.  

Journey On

Dr. Marie