Impression Management

Impression Management

Impression management, in balance, is a healthy part of life. At work, you manage your presentation to be a “good” co-worker and in balance, it means you are making an effort to fit into the culture of your workplace, to be social and socially appropriate. At family get-togethers and in act all social gatherings people use impression management to fit in or even to make a statement. Like all behaviors, using behaviors as a means of choice, consciously, and hopefully in a balanced fashion and with some integrity (both personal integrity and socially) are part of the skills set of being a mature (hopefully) functional human participating in your culture, your society, your workplace.

Impression management has not only been around but has also been used for power, money, and prestige from the beginning of time. Leaders, mistresses, gigolos, performers etc., have used their looks and behaviors to influence others and to gain recognition and to accumulate material gins and wealth.  When is impression management out of balance, or destructive?  For the most part that is a subjective decision and sometimes societal pressures influence those decisions. In the age of social media and “social influencers” (sigh), impression management is now not for the few, but for the majority; it has become the norm rather than the exception.

Aside from “looks” impression management includes projecting behaviors to manipulate people’s reaction to you and to carefully select what you say, how you say it, and when you do not say anything in order to control (or try to) how you want people to perceive you.  Out of balance, you use impression management to also handle how you perceive yourself. It becomes a form of self-deception; you start to believe your own stories. People also use impression management to handle, to suppress or deny their internal feelings. Not the best choice as a coping mechanism. Impression management has become so much the norm, so much the expected behavior, that to be authentic is now often seen as inconsistent behavior because when you are focused on being authentic you are not micro-managing your actions, behavior, words and presentation to constantly maintain a chosen projected image.

Most people are no longer even aware of their impression management choices as it has become so normalized. So for people who are seeking out a deeper more authentic life the habits of impression management are a huge obstacle. Impression management is so “acceptable” these days that it is a huge effort just to begin to recognize that you are doing it in almost all of your everyday choices. People seeking a more awakened, authentic, enlightened life will find themselves working with Spiritual Teachers, healers, counselors, etc.  To break through your habitual wall of impression management will be a challenge. Many people these days throw around the expression “shaming”: victim shaming, fat shaming etc. The accusation of “shaming” someone usually chases off the pursuit of honesty and authenticity and many if not most therapists and Teachers will back off rather than face this kind of accusation. The reality about “shaming” is that one cannot possibly be shamed; you have shame already and that means it will inadvertently get “poked” or agitated by the comments of others with little to no warning. If someone tells you that you are a mean self-centered person and you know for sure that you are not that person, you will either laugh, or call the person a joke and walk away. If however you do indeed feel you are mean and self-centered, you will react with anger and accuse the person of attacking you and/or shaming you. Because “shaming” is now a “thing” and victim hood is worshipped, you will have a hard time finding people to help you if you are looking for deep healings needed in the search for authenticity and awakening.

Sadly most people are experts at impression management now to the point of having a character disturbance (in a more extreme version this would be a character disorder). Character disturbance (good to grandiose self-esteem, low self-respect) is the new paradigm of psychology and global culture, replacing the baseline of Freud’s day (into the 1990’s) of neurosis (excellent self-respect, low self-esteem. Read the work of Dr. Simon if you are interested in this topic).  Character disturbance behavior means (in part) that one is unable or unwilling to “turn off” impression management, even when seeking help from a therapist or Teacher, even when in one is buried in deep depression or anxiety. Most psychologists and definitely the uneducated new agers (self-proclaimed healers, etc.) are unaware of the predominance of this (relatively) new cultural norm.  And most are uneducated in how to identify and get through the barrier of character disturbances and impression management mechanisms (again refer to Dr. Simon’s work for a more thorough education on these topics).

How does a good Teacher (or therapist or healer) work with character disturbances and impression management and overcome the aversion to the label of shaming? First off, with courage, the courage to seek out the truth of people’s stories by examining their choices and their behaviors instead of “buying” the stories told by students or clients. Working with neurosis implies that the person has a concern for the well-being of society, and the people of society. Working with forms of neurosis one examines feelings, feelings of guilt, remorse, and anxieties of not doing enough to be a good person. Character disturbance people (versus neurotics) have learned the language of caring (via the culture and pop psychology etc.) however an examination of their choices of behaviors and actions will reveal that their feelings are only for themselves, how they are being perceived by others, and how to get what they want. In a character disturbance culture what needs to be corrected are behaviors and actions and the thinking behind the choices driving one’s actions. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the primary tools for character disturbance corrections, however with the fear of being labeled “shaming” most therapists are only doing cognitive therapy.

A good Teacher will look for the truth via evidence, not feelings. How one feels about their behavior is separate from the behavior itself and behaviors come from choices and choices come from thoughts. People manage their feelings through their behaviors. And your feelings arise from your thoughts. “I am not a good person” will make you “feel” depressed and then you will choose behaviors to manage your feelings. “I am too fat” will make you feel anxiety or depression and then you will choose behaviors, good or bad, to mitigate your feelings. (Remember, these are short articles and the complexity of these topics is not presented in a short article.) To do deep work you, as a student or client, will have to be willing to talk specifics, answer questions, and examine your specific actions, behaviors, choices and thinking. Then, most important of all, you will have to be willing to make some behavioral changes, take action not just talk, in spite of your feelings. Everyone has uncomfortable feelings (fear, anxiety, nervousness, sadness, etc.) when they make actual changes. Getting specific means you will have to risk vulnerability, exposing yourself to your Teacher but most uncomfortable, to yourself. And you will have to be willing to feel healthy shame about some of your choices and thoughts.  Do you have the courage to answer specific questions? Most people don’t these days. They would rather have a good narrative/story full of drama, or look at entities “causing “ problems or use their “chart” to explain away their life choices.

Although this sounds like psychology, this is a building block of Spirituality. You chose your life, your incarnation. These days people are heavily invested in the “why”, the narratives, the stories of their life. Listen to the “amazing” stories of new age people; they all have more than one. Then look at their actual life, their body, their psyche, their actions, their behaviors. Why you came here was discussed when you planned this incarnation. The fascination of it now that you are incarnated is often a way to avoid your actual work and uncomfortable feelings and can be used as a way to justify your bad choices. You already know the why, you planned it all out. And you are meant to leave that alone now that you are here, and need to focus on how you are going to carry out the why, the reason, that you planned this life. The how is not so much how you feel. How you feel  is important for you to notice and respond to in order to provide yourself with good self-care as you take on the “how’s” of this life. The question of how am I going to be a good person, parent, mate, friend, co-worker, boss etc. is the work of this lifetime. How do I do these things and make good choices and notice and work with my feelings about my choices, my actions, my behaviors and my self-care?

People come in for help and their impression management habits, their behavioral addictions gets in the way.  They want to or feel the need to present as a “good student”, a Buddhist, a loving yoga person, with no temper filled with unconditional love. Some people desperately feel the need to get the approval or “love” or attention of their Teacher so they present their best behavior and are unable to simply be honest and  authentic. This can slow your progress down, sometimes for many years until you can handle the vulnerability of simply being you.  Most people coming for help don't yet even know the real person inside of them. This is why I suggest (so many times) that you track your behaviors on a daily basis. Notice what is working, and what is not working by being specific.  Only with specifics can you be mindful and self-aware  enough to tackle your soul evolution. Only with specifics can you choose to take specific actions to change your behaviors and affect your thinking and feelings. If you are working deeply with a Teacher, therapist etc. you can bring your very specific mindful awareness into that work if you start to track your actions, your behaviors, your choices. When you bring specifics into your work on your Self and your Soul Evolution you eliminate arguments and defensiveness because you are working with evidence instead of denials and narratives. When you work with specifics you have a better chance of developing healthy shame (self-respect) and being able to identify and heal toxic shame. If this topic grabs your attention, I hope you will look into it more.

Journey On

Dr. Marie