The painful bite of the Walking Wounded

The painful bite of the Walking Wounded

We are in a culture that often idealizes and worships the wounded, the victims. This has its good points.  This cultural ambiance helps to give victims the support and courage to come forward and tell their stories, and to testify.  Media exposure creates demand for the stories to be told and money is to be made from the stories. The not so good points are that people gravitate towards framing their stories as victimization because that generates more attention, sympathy, and money.  If you are a victim, no one can criticize you or hold you accountable for your behaviors because, “Wow, you are amazing and so is your story and I can’t believe what you had to live through.”  Unhealed victims, sometimes real victims, sometimes people who have self-defined as a victim can, and do, break down into tears if being held accountable for their current life choices and  behaviors (not to mention for their own healing, two years or two decades later) and if you don’t then ”properly respond” to those tears you are an unfeeling monster.  It is hard to take responsibility for your healing and continued healing, maturity and growth if the culture rewards you and supports you for victim mode only.  You will find once you do heal and are up and running again, you are usually forgotten. A bit like the pro-lifers who love you when you are a fetus, but once you are born into say poverty, those same folks will call you a welfare bum if you need support to grow, and get educated.  If you are one of the walking wounded, and wish to become more whole and healed, read on. If you see this as “victim shaming” because you are an advocate of the current cultural norm, you should probably not continue to read this as it will not support your belief system and your priorities.

If you have been a victim, you will have scars for the rest of your life. I am reminded of a scene in a Mel Gibson movie, with Rene Russo, where they joyously start stripping to show each other their scars from bullets, knives, falls etc.  It is a great step forward if you too can learn to share your scars joyously as all your experiences helped to form you. And you are scarred for life. Those scars can be a source of toxic shame for you, or badges of honor and courage.  Those choices are up to you and sometimes you will have to choose your focus (wounded victim or warrior survivor) over and over again, sometimes even in the same day.

Typically the walking wounded strike out against people that they find safe such as their spouse, lover, therapist, Teacher, bestie, the “nice” parent etc.  This  is because the walking wounded still don’t have a Self and therefore their main focus in life, the one that influences every decision and relationship they have (or imagine they have—having no Self you cannot tell the difference) is to be safe (again, real or imagined.). When the walking wounded feel “threatened”, real or imagined,  because when you are  an unhealed wounded person the “threats” you perceive are more often imagined than real or when you “feel” rejected (such as when another person sets a healthy boundary) or even just “misunderstood” you will lash out, and usually to “kill” the perceived threat or rejection.  The world of the walking wounded is black and white, you are either the hammer or the nail, kill or be killed, enemy or friend with nothing in the middle.  The walking wounded have not taken on healing and have not learned healthy life skills because when they were actually getting wounded and attacked, their entire focus was on emotional and physical safety and survival. Therefore the unhealed wounded, the walking wounded that “look normal” have no negotiation skills, don’t know how to ask questions (that makes them subject to attack—so their wounded self tells them), perceive boundaries and discussions about boundaries as personal attacks, use sex, manipulation, passive aggressive techniques, ghosting, “not talking”,  isolation and personal attacks as constant coping mechanisms. As usual this is a very short article on a very complex subject and this is the tip of the iceberg.

If you are at least at the stage of understanding you still have some unhealed wounds, there are some red flags you can look for that indicate areas you still need see some healing.  When you have deep wounds when growing up from abuse, neglect, chronic stress, or environment (war, extreme poverty, surviving natural disasters such as drought, tsunami etc.) perhaps the best is that is going to happen is you will have to always watch your behaviors in certain situations so that you don’t get triggered (again) and lash out, takings your wounds out on those around you.  Or if you do get triggered and react poorly, even perhaps hurting those you love or are important to you in your life, you will have to learn the art of making amends, which is more than simply saying “I’m sorry”.

Here are some red flags (again this is a short article addressing an extremely complex subject):

Reacting to boundaries or the word “no”, taking it as a personal attack or rejection unable to respect another person’s needs or wants or see his/her point of view (the narcissism of the unhealed wounded)

Constant taking from others either because the walking wounded are so checked out due to running away from their own wounded emotions, or because they feel they “deserve it”. They never check in on how much they are taking and never offer to give back.

Over-giving. The wounded often over-give as a defense mechanism or because they believe they are worthless and over give to compensate.

Unable to ask questions to gain understanding another person’s point of view or feelings (the unhealed wounded are too busy being self-involved protecting their own wounds). This is a vital skill needed in order to negotiate. Negotiation is a skill needed in every relationship.

Isolating and/or lashing out, while refusing to negotiate any time one is asked a question, even a simple question to go over details such as “are you sure you can make it to the event?”

Rage or tears with little or nothing in the middle (as ways to control others and make them take care of you or release you from any responsibilities)

Being center of attention or isolating with nothing in the middle.

If you are a wounded person, take responsibility for your scars, as they are forever. Along with self-care, learn your triggers and handle them. Become a master at backtracking to apologize, make amends, and learn to move carefully when triggered. Mindfulness and self-awareness will usher you into a new balanced and beautiful life. As for the unconscious, unhealed walking wounded, remember that along with being victimized, continuing to live with their wounds they are still sharks in sheep’s clothing. You can never tell when they will explode from some imagined threat and whether they mean it or not, the bite still hurts and often hurts bad.  If you are close friends, or in a helping profession, or married to a person that is not healed and not in the process of addressing their healing you will be attacked and/or “rejected” more than once.  You will either have to capitulate and compromise your Self on a very deep level, or take on the responsibility of being the “wall” the unhealed wounded person has made you into.  This means you too will need support and need to learn some very sophisticated skills if you wish to survive and thrive. 

Journey On and Learn to Live. Skills needed.

Life Path Healings