Caring Communications

It is quite a common occurrence to hear people talk about experiences using the word "you" instead of "I".  Why is that?  Many people avoid "I" statements in order to not have to confront their own feelings on a situation or issue or to avoid making themselves vulnerable in any fashion. In some way I can understand this. When I have shared some posts on Facebook using  the "I" perspective, I have received rather desperate responses telling me how to fix "me" or my situation, as if sharing my experience, strength and hope is a cry for help even when there is no hint of  request for help in the text.

A dialogue that uses "you" statements as a response to someone else’s sharing immediately makes that person pay attention to you, rather than being able to stay with their own feelings and thoughts.  A “you” statement makes the other people take care of you. Now people have to change focus to think about what you just said in response to their sharing, especially if they disagree with you.  It is also a message that the people listening cannot handle your feelings, your pain, and your insights and they are using a “you” statement in response to make themselves feel better. Telling you how you “should” feel or think is a way to get you off topic, off your feelings that are making the listener uncomfortable rather than being able to give you the space to feel your feelings. If the speaker loves you and you use a “you” statement after a sharing, most people will shift to say things to reassure you that either you are loved or to assure that they are loveable to you.  You statements are also a huge sign of disrespect. It tells the speaker “You cannot handle your own feelings. You cannot figure out the situation without my ‘brilliant insights’ or ‘skills’. Even if you don’t mean to consciously give this message, responding with a “you” statement instead of an “I” statement or asking questions to learn more of what the speaker  is feeling or thinking, that is the message that is given.

If you respond to someone’s sharing using a “you” statement, you are requiring the other person to agree or disagree with you. You now make the conversation, the topic, the feelings and reactions all about you instead of staying with the speaker and his/her sharing.  In addition to this changing the whole focus and content of the current conversation (because now the speaker has to figure out a response to your comment) your “you” statement can create hostility (which will either remain hidden to people please or become an argument) if the speaker has different feelings or different opinions on an idea or situation and that is the end of the discussion, the end of learning.  Using "I" statements as a reaction to someone else’s sharing allows others to have their own reactions and feelings. It makes it safe for people to share with you. Using "you" statements as a response to a sharing implies that one must comply, obey, or agree (especially if it is coming from an authority figure such as a teacher, parent or supervisor). Responding with an "I" statement assists the person sharing to "own" the issue, the feelings, the subject or the memory and re-visit it on a personal level. This helps the speaker to "check in" and see if the memory is still accurate or if time has changed one's perceptions.

When a people share and you feel compelled to respond, take moment to first “go home”. Go inside first (see Pema Chodron’s article, Three Breaths) and take care of your reactive energy by feeling your reactions before you express them. Going inside, going home, means you are now receptive to Spirit, to Source coming in, because someone is now home to receive the Guidance. Then try asking the people sharing more questions so you can learn from them what is going on for them. Ask for details, for clarification, for examples. Sometimes that is enough and you will see the person sharing becoming so incredibly happy to feel safe and cared for because you like or love them enough to actually listen. Learning more about their share might also change your reactions, thoughts and feeling and you will learn something about your own triggers. Listening to others and getting reactive, wanting so badly to say something meaningful (rather than listening) means you just got triggered and that is your issue, not the speaker’s issue. 

Aside from asking questions you can, as the listener, and as they say in 12-Step programs, share your experience, strength and hope using “I” statements and pulling from your own life experiences and your own feelings. However, do not get offended if the people sharing disagree with you and your share. That simply means you are completely different than them and you are not getting the message or understanding them and that your share is not helping. If that happens, go back to asking questions so you can learn more about the people speaking and the message they are trying to express. Asking questions also helps the people sharing to go deeper, for themselves. Sometimes when you ask questions people feel they are being challenged, or criticized. If this happens don’t react and don’t take it personally. Simply explain you really care and want to learn more about what they are saying and the only way you need to do that is to ask questions and if they want you to stop, you will.  Many people are not used to being heard, to having an attentive and caring listener so they kind of freak out when they first encounter healthy behavior. They are too used to being ignored or brushed off with clichéd responses such as “I am sure it will all work out”. That reaction will also teach you more about this person you like, love or care for and that will deepen and expand your relationship.

When people share and you do not want to use a “you” statement, or perhaps you cannot think of any questions, or you know or sense they will react badly to any questions, you can ask the people if they just need to vent and express themselves or if they want to hear your opinion or get some advice. Be careful with this though.  If you are in any position of power (any authority figure in the person’s life, a family member that cannot be alienated, you control the money or the car etc.) or  if the speaker is a co-dependent, a people pleaser, those people will say yes to that question even if they don’t mean it or feel it. I rarely use this except with people who have done a great deal of work on themselves.

“I” statements are not always safe to use. Often unhealed wounded people “over share” and do so with the wrong people, people that are not safe for them.  Also, we are a culture of facade these days, carefully constructing how we want to be seen on social media. People are encouraged and are expected to present polished stories of success. This is also true in the billion-dollar new age Industry. Using “I” statements will bring down the workshop vultures who, smelling emotional blood, will tell you to take their workshop or use their app or their services with promises that they will make you “all better”. This happened to me so often when I first wrote these articles that I had to stop sharing using “I” and switch to “you”. And finally, many people create and sustain an identity by attacking people they admire, envy, or think are important and if you use “I” statements with these people they will use what you say as ammunition to attack you (sometimes the particularly nasty people will use this material and go for a lawsuit), discredit you or to try and emotionally hurt you. “I” statements are best used for people you care about. For others, you can safely stick to asking questions to learn or using active listening techniques and for people you really don’t care about, just agree with them or say you understand what they are saying (which is a kind of active listening).

At Life Path Healing the use of “I” statements is one of our many tools for healing. I find the use of   "I" statements are invaluable at the weekly meditation classes. This is one element that helps to create a safe venue for self-exploration and self-sharing Hearing the “I” stories of others that expose emotions, thoughts, and perceptions of another person can give you the courage to share your own experiences and feelings. It is a gift to have a Sacred Space where you can be with others and find it safe to be real, honest, tell you joy and sadness to celebrating breakthroughs and release the Shadows.

Journey On