Teaching People How to Treat You: Part 2

Teaching People How to Treat You Part 2

Balance: Between friendly familiarity and "familiarity breeds contempt". Between talking things out and "letting it flow". "Teaching" and letting the other person learn through experience. When it comes to human relations, to boundaries, there is no rule, no one way. Each person, each situation is unique.  What is necessary for balance, is commitment. Commitment to think it out, to be aware, to not get offended or discouraged, to be flexible, to listen, ask questions, feel your feelings, allow others to feel their feelings but not at your expense, deciding to work it out, deciding to learn, deciding to leave. Balance, is a lifestyle choice.   

In Spirituality, in the USA, the balance between a Student and Teacher is unique. If your guru is from another country the culture often makes it easy. Behavior is dictated by the cultural expectations of how to act and show respect. And if you don't see your guru regularly, if s/he lives in another country, that is a different relationship and completely different experience than living at the ashram. In the USA we are diverse, not one culture, not one set of rules, and ashrams here often turn out to be cults instead of communities. Here we negotiate; we have to learn  diverse boundaries, respect, and self-care.  

“Funny, you don’t act like you have a PhD” Of course if one does (however one expects a PhD to act), then the comments are about acting like a know it all, a snob, arrogant, etc.

“You should go see our pet psychic.”

What is your training, credentials, or background?   And after answering the question (including 10 years of study PhD in health psychology) “You sound like a hippie”.

Offering the free use of one's personal Teaching space so students can practice what they are learning in classes and then students assuming they might use that personal professional space  (for free) to build his/her own new age business  including reaching out to the Teacher’s own students as potential clients.

Students interrupting a one on one private conversation to tell the student s/he should go to another person to learn what was just introduced and taught in this class.

A student asks a Teacher to display his/her products where s/he meditates. However does not ask or mention that  s/he expects the Teacher to actually act as a full out merchant by selling said products, collecting  money, and delivering the sale money back to the student (who has no electronic accounts). Furthermore when asked (pressed more than once to give an answer), would you have ever asked your “guru” in India to be your salesperson the answer was no.

At the beginning of a formal class, a student starts a public discussion about how the Teacher looks that day (evaluating an “outfit”, hair, comments such as  “you look tired” etc.).

A student in a public discussion about another topic being taught at that moment in the class, asking if the Teacher had done all that s/he could do to help in a situation and then making (an unasked for) suggestion on what should be done.

Consistently sauntering in late to every meditation class and always carrying a fresh Starbucks in hand. You stop for a Starbucks when you are already late to the meditation class, and are late every time?  And what of the impact of this repeated behavior on others who are dedicated to their practice?

Students asking the Teacher a question and other students jumping in to answer without first asking if the person wanted the opinions, advice or suggestions of others when the question was directed to the Teacher, not other students.

Students hanging around after class to tell “friend” stories to their Teacher while others are waiting, without the consideration that other students might have pressing questions or issues, and that often the Teacher has other appointments happening right after class.

Students coming to class hoping to get a “date” with the Teacher, sometimes adding inappropriate “goodbye” hugs at the door.

A person requests a psychic or clairvoyant future prediction Reading and then responds with “You’re wrong”.  Then why did you consult a psychic? If you don’t agree or question the answer you are given, why not take a wait and see approach.

These are some common examples of what every Spiritual Teacher and healer I know has voiced experiencing, what goes on behind the curtain so to speak. The examples are not meant to shame but to reveal because real life specific examples are the best way to learn.  Teachers share these kinds of stories among themselves in order to find their own balance between making a situation a learning experience or letting it go, allowing for mistakes and misunderstandings, and maintaining self-care.

Everyone makes faux pas, mistakes, breaches of etiquette, and/or violates boundaries however what is important here are the follow up conversations about these kinds of interactions.  First off, it is important (sometimes imperative) to have a response, not to ignore or brush off what happens. If you do, the person learns nothing and perhaps even more importantly you will have taught that person to continue their breaches be it out of ignorance or as a conscious choice to attack and/or undermine someone. Sometimes setting a polite boundary works however in some situations there is no time or opportunity to do so. Sometimes a rational conversation will do the trick, sometimes you have had a number of these rational conversations and the behavior continues so a stronger boundary or lesson is necessary.   Setting boundaries almost always evokes a reaction and that can sometimes include an explosion or even retaliation. 

Everyone has different boundaries and boundaries between people change according to situations, roles, and locations. For example you are “friendly” outside of work and then at work you are boss and subordinate, or professor and student at university. The boundaries change in the different venues.  Do you take the time to think about this? If you do, then typically you will find yourself asking questions of your friend/co-worker/Teacher/healer etc. in order to establish easy discussions about boundaries that will and will not work for both of you. In fact, this is something you also (should) do in intimate relationships and good friendships, be able to discuss and negotiate boundaries. I was going to say establish boundaries however boundaries are fluid. They are subject to a great deal of change over time as relationships deepen or disappear. Roles change, needs change, you change and being able to allow boundary discussions to be an easy conversation is a must in relationships.  This means you need to ask questions of the other person regarding his/her boundaries and whether or not you are treading on them.  You also will have to be able to handle the answers without getting offended or feeling attacked.

If you watch animals they are constantly playing with boundaries. Dogs snap or growl a warning, then wag tails and are buds. Cats hiss and raise fur or even spat, then lay together. Sometimes if you violate boundaries, or if you have continued the behavior after warnings, discussions or specific requests, you will earn yourself a “spat” the next time you violate or tread on a person’s boundary.The difference between animals and humans is ego. Animals quickly recover from boundary negotiations. Humans get offended, feel chastised, criticized, attacked, and even “ shamed” when given a boundary. All of those feelings are nowadays considered politically incorrect ways to “feel” even though you are the one manufacturing those feelings for yourself. You, and others, will blame the one setting the boundary as “rough”, rude, blunt, arrogant and more.  In fact you will probably create a psychological profile which you will then discuss among yourselves. Looking for blame rather than looking to learn. It is always your choice to decide to learn something, even if the lesson stung your ego a bit because you didn’t realize how disrespectful, self-absorbed, selfish, uninformed, uneducated, ignorant, etc. you might have been in that moment. It is embarrassing to realize you forgot to consider how your actions might impact others, or that you forgot to ask a question about their boundaries or you were not paying attention to the current culture of how others were behaving and didn’t realize how out of sync you were in the situation.

Another aspect of boundaries is honoring respect. Respect for your Self as well as respect for the relationship with another.When it comes to working with and honoring a Teacher or healer, being in love, having a deep friendship, the respect you bring to each encounter and relationship is half of the energy needed to make the encounter, the relationship sacred and meaningful. Treat your life, your learnings, your Spiritual Path, your encounters, your relationships, with casual disrespect, that is all you will get out of your encounters and relationships.  The quality of your daily interactions, relationships, encounters is determined in part by what you bring into each situation. Ultimately your disrespect, your lack of boundaries which is an essential part of self-care, which you may have learned to ignore in early childhood, is abusive and disrespectful to you.  

If you do not know how to bring the sacred into your life, to cultivate self-respect at whatever level you currently need,  you will not be able to learn or heal. You will be able to be “serviced” in other words you will be able to let others “do it” to you, like allowing someone to use you sexually instead of making love together. Healers and others will be able to give you a “cool” experience but that is different than you actually learning something through your participation, your partnership, or having a sacred encounter. You, your actions, your ability (or inability) to assign respect is what makes something sacred, deep, meaningful, and important. Just like you cannot force someone to love you, or respect you, a Teacher or healer cannot force this upon you either. In fact, if you live from the casual disrespect that seems to be the norm of the majority these days, you are actually considered “unteachable” and the first years (yes years) will be spent (be it in therapy, healing or Teaching) leveling out your inability to respect yourself and your life. If you don't respect your Self, you are not able to receive Guidance (including from Spirit), because deep down inside, you do not think you are worth helping.  And what goes along with that thought is that anyone who wants to help a "loser" like you must be a loser as well. It is that sad joke "I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would accept me as a member."  If you cannot respect your Self, you will respect others that also do not respect you and you will find yourself allowing others to disrespect you or even abusing you because that is all you know and recognize as legitimate.

Low self-esteem is the secret twin of  for those with lack of boundaries and lack of boundaries is a sure sign of a lack of self-respect. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family you will have learned some very bad habits such as treating those that love you with disrespect or even attacking those meant to help you because they are safe to attack rather than confronting the demons inside of you. As an unhealed “victim” you will have the unhealthy habit of displacing (blaming) your own discomfort with how you feel about yourself and others that have hurt you, onto someone “safe” who you imagine or hope will not attack you.  If you were not respected in your family you literally do not know how to respect yourself or others and tolerating boundary encounters will be a very big challenge to you. If you were violated as a child (and are still an unhealed victim) all you know is that in life you are either the hammer or the nail and whenever you feel (real or imagined) that you are being threatened, reprimanded, sometime even just ignored, you will lash out and attack to hurt, or leave, blaming the other.  It means that you only know to feel better or less than another person, you literally do not know how to co-exist. Everything you do and say is geared towards protecting your very fragile ego created identity. The idea of boundaries, being asked to respect someone else, will feel like an attack to you and you will respond with the desire to either attack the person or leave.

And you will win. You will kill the relationship, the teaching, the counseling, the love because that is all you know, win or lose. Boundaries, respect, creating the sacred is all about give and take, a dance, between partners even if it is one dance. When a person brings respect to an encounter either the vibration of the encounter rises like a plant to the sun, or the other person will pull out either quietly or with an attack, because their disrespect  for his/her self cannot tolerate that higher energy being brought into the encounter.  You have choices to make here and all the healthy choices take courage. It is much easier to remain dysfunctional and find ways to check out, leave, or not feel anything rather than move toward growth.  For those of you on a Path with an actual Practice, don’t forget to give yourself accolades, hugs, compliments and more for being one of the few to have the courage to face the awkwardness and complexity of becoming an awakened Human seeking the sacred, and choosing to live a Path of conscious enlightenment.

Until you have good self-respect, good self-care, you will have difficulty respecting others because you are lacking skills. Learn to ask questions of others regarding their boundaries and to not take boundaries personally.  Remember boundaries are not always set “perfectly”. More often than not it is messy, like horses snapping at each other or cats having a spat. Messy is not serious. It is not criticism. It is not an attack. It is just messy, like so much of life can be. 

It is hard to set boundaries and even harder to tolerate the harsh reactions, rejections, and gossip that often occurs when a person does set a boundary.  If you decide to set boundaries, to teach people how to treat you, you will have to choose between the lesser of two evils; tolerate bad behavior, or endure the possibility of unpleasant reactions and perhaps even backlash or retaliation.  

Boundaries are the property of the person setting them and they are purely personal and they change. Boundaries give you information about how the other person is willing, at that moment, to interact with you. Asking questions about boundaries helps the other people to think about their boundaries, in case they are not that good at protecting themselves or using good self-care behaviors. If people snap at you regarding your trespasses, see if you can let go of your ego and make it into a mole hill, not a mountain. Perhaps they are even doing you a favor, showing you through their reaction, some bad behaviors you have been doing to others as well, others who do not have the caring for you or the courage to bring up your disrespectful boundary behaviors (be they conscious or unconscious ). 

Choose to learn or choose to be offended or choose to leave. It is all up to you. Your choices will determine the depth and quality of all of your encounters in life and in your Spiritual Cultivation.

Journey On