How to Give Compliments

How to Give Compliments

Compliments, affirming others, validations are all powerful tools. Children absolutely need them in order to learn, through modeled behavior, how to practice self-love, self-affirmation. As adults, this can get a bit more complicated. If an adult has had childhood damage, and it has not come to consciousness and been worked on for healing, that damaged behavior will still be in effect. Children who are harmed or neglected (including benign neglect such as being a latch key kid, or being raised by “nannies”) have to learn how to manipulate in order to survive. Powerless people resort to manipulation because they are not regarded as worthy (or human in the case of racism, gender discrimination, or economic bias such as someone looks or is homeless etc.) and therefore they cannot make direct requests, adult to adult, peer to peer, equal to equal. In order to survive, and protect themselves (often literally from dying, or rape etc.) these people have been forced to learn to manipulate others who are in power.  In fact, often they have not ever had the opportunity to learn any other form of communication or relationship skills.

Part of what damaged people do, or those with low self-esteem (caused by a variety of factors) is solicit compliments and not because they will believe them, but by doing so, earn protection or even save their life or save themselves from rape. Soliciting compliments (and giving compliments as well) is a powerful way to pacify someone in power. Soliciting and giving compliments is also a way to redirect a conversation that is beginning to feel dangerous (like the prelude to a rape or lynching) with the hope of distracting the power broker from harming you. Soliciting and giving compliments is ultimately a powerful tool of control for people who have been in positions where they feel and/or are threatened. It is a learned tool of victims and since it works so well, is so powerful, often the constant use of this tool creates a cycle of reinforcing a victim stance in people as it is so “rewarding”, meaning it works and the person does not have to confront any of their own issues to start healing. Finally, soliciting and giving compliments are the tools of narcissists (and therefore unhealed or irresponsible empaths as well), in the extreme this is called “gaslighting” (Google that term if you wish to learn more). Gaslighting is a tool of control, and seduction in order to control others, and eventually can even evolve from control into abuse and victimization of another.

This is the dark side of “complimenting” others. So many people I work with (usually the damaged new age workshop type folks “demand” that I express “my “feelings of “love” and reassurances that I “won’t leave” or abandon them whether I feel that love or not, as the true energy of love is not what is important, it is the control the other is attempting to exert at play. They think they are “making a direct request” but who asks another to express a specific feeling? “Tell me you love me.”  And then cannot feel any energy (or not) when their demand is met. What is really going on with that dynamic?  That is a question to ask yourself as this will be slightly different, specific to each individual and each relationship. Ask yourself this, why not ask the other person “how do you feel about me?” for example rather than using emotional pressure, manipulation or even a so-called direct demand that another person tell you they “love” you or any other emotion, compliment or validation you feel you “deserve”, from them, at this moment.  I am asking questions, not giving answers. This is the work you can take on if you are beginning to look at your desire to receive and/or give compliments and what really lays beneath that.

In reality, the wounded cannot truly accept compliments because they do not believe in themselves and because unhealed low self –esteem has made them addicted to the manipulations of receiving compliments in order to not feel their pain inside. So it is a drug to numb the pain, but the compliment will not be believed. It is like crack, cocaine, or a sugar rush. It provides relief for a few seconds or minutes. And for those feeling the addiction, at some point you WILL become the enemy unless you never criticize, and always (always) remain a supply of the compliments your addict friend, student, client etc. demands. The second you “let them down” you will become the enemy, the betrayer and you will be left (if lucky) or attacked (if not so lucky).  Complimenting the wounded feeds an addiction, feeds the wound.  This is not true for those who have worked on themselves, on childhood or trauma wounds. But for those that are healed (or healing) compliments don’t make or break one’s self-esteem because they feel good about themselves already. Compliments and validation are more like a weather report that confirms what you already know or feel. They are not life changing, they do not alter your mood, you do not crave them, you do not feel you “owe” anything to the person who gave you a compliment and it doesn’t make you love them more. You already love them. You already love you. (Nice article on Self-Esteem)

How to give compliments to the wounded, or perhaps to all?  Ask the person how s/he feels!  If they don’t know, ask some more questions to help them see, feel, perceive what you see. Ask a series of questions to help them perceive their own progress, changes, amazingness. Even with children there is a developmental stage where you start to help children self-validate rather than seek you out to fill their holes for them. This teaches them to have a great relationship with themselves instead of charming or manipulating adults for both validation and control (to get what they want, like performing monkeys). If they can’t see their progress and achievements or how wonderful they are, you can say something like “I can’t wait until you see yourself the way I see you.” If they ask you for details, you can say “it doesn’t matter what I see if you can’t see it” or feel it first. Tell them you would love to validate what they see or feel, so they have to go first.  Refuse to feed the addiction. Hold the space for others to go inside and find their own answers first. This gives the message that you believe in their own journey, and that they have the strength and perseverance to get over this hump. Hold the space for them to have the courage to say something positive about themselves aloud instead of trying to get you to say it for them (so they don’t have to own it). For some of the wounded, they were punished for speaking well about themselves.  Help them heal. You will lose. You will lose the ego gratification of having someone adore you back because you stroked them with compliments. You will lose feeling comfortable, as it is challenging to hold space for someone rather than fill it for them; the latter is so much easier. You can fill a hole up in someone without feeling what you are saying, just saying the words so you see them “glow” and then you are off the hook, except you just got hooked by a master manipulator victim stance.  

For those who can ready for healthy compliments (the healed, the healing, the mindful, the self-aware), give clear and specific acknowledgements that will also reinforce and teach a person how to start better observing and owning their specific behaviors, actions, thoughts and feelings rather than enabling­ them with your generic feel good emotional blanket. Some examples (Google for more examples ): “You really handled that well” then add in specific evidence, observations etc.  “I love that you thought of such a good solution.”  “I can tell you really studied hard.” “You did a great job participating today.” “You are such a great friend for me because________.” “ I love how you____________.”  For those who fish for compliments, present as “victims”, or it is clear that they are wounded, can you choose to help them heal, become stronger, more centered in Self? Do you love your people enough to not enable them in using the tool of compliments to avoid personal growth or as a wounded way to continue to relate to others out of fear, and issues of power and control be it unconscious or conscious? Do you love yourself enough to not get seduced or “ Do you love your peeps enough to take the time to ask them questions to help them see the good and great in themselves first, before you add your validation to theirs?   

Journey On