Perfectionism and OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Defensiveness

Perfectionism and OCD—Obsessive Compulsive Defensiveness

When you are not in a good relationship with your Self, and Spirit, one tends to be very defensive. You are defensive because you feel you are alone in your world. Neither your Higher Self nor Spirit are perceived as your best friends. If you are not in good relationship with yourself, it is because you are, on some level, ashamed of yourself. If you are ashamed of yourself, you will hide from others, and attack any who try to get too close to you. When people have deep rooted shame, they are overly sensitive in those shame areas, overreact, and are overly defensive.  Shame makes you constantly feel guilty and makes you want to hide yourself from others. What better way to hide then to attack, be defensive. Overly defensive or reactionary behavior can be classified as a form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), however it might be better to label this version as Obsessive Compulsive Defensiveness.  

The ego’s nature is to fixate constantly on self-validation.  When one has deep rooted shame, the need for validation becomes phobic chronic behavior in order to compensate for the fear of exposure both to the way in which others perceive you, and the way in which you perceive yourself. Obsessed with appearing “perfect” also means that you are ashamed to look at the times you might have behaved in a manner that was mean, selfish, or insensitive. If you are authentically in relationship with yourself, you will be are comfortable with who you are, including all mistakes you have made and will make, all your flaws, and all your gifts. When you are comfortable with your authentic Self, you will not have deep-seated fears about how you appear to others, and therefore you do not obsessively react with defensive behaviors. If you are in a deep authentic relationship with your Self and Spirit, you will not have an obsessive need to appear “perfect” and to seek the approval of others. 

Defense mechanisms are not inherently bad. They do save you from invasive, rude, mean, people and dangerous situations when you are powerless. Defense mechanisms at times save your life, and they can buy you time to think and make better choices. However, when defensive behavior becomes reactionary and habitual, they have morphed from healthy to unhealthy behaviors. Reactionary, compulsive defensiveness is a manifestation of shame based phobic attitudes with regard your own behavior and how you think you should and should not behave (control issues) and your desire to control how others might perceive you. Shame based people are terrified of exposure; of seeing themselves in an unacceptable light or being seen as bad. Some people cope with this phobia by deliberately acting out bad behavior as a means of feeling in control. By being bad they can control and justify when someone criticizes them rather than being blindsided by the criticism a shame based person is always expecting to happen. To cope with negative self-images the person can consciously resort to behaviors that are anti-social and/or aggressive. “I know I am bad (or stupid, or a loser, or hateful) and so, when others reject me for my behavior they are simply validating my belief and my identity.”  You might not consciously think this way, but deliberate, negative rebelliousness is always underpinned by these types of deep-seated thoughts and unresolved shame issues.  

When someone dares touch on any of your shame based sensitive buttons. a reactionary, defensive response is inevitable. To then blame someone or yourself for your response only perpetuates defensiveness and the over-reaction. Blame is defensive response that is used to keep you off the issue of shame and to deflect your emotions to beating up someone, or beating up  yourself. The key concept to remember is that whenever there is an over-reaction there typically is also the compulsive behavior to justify the reaction through blame or self-blame, rather than to examine the situation and reaction to find the hidden shame beneath the over reactive defensiveness.

There is a multitude of ways of coping with the compulsion to defend yourself.  Until you begin understanding that all over-reactions are a symptom of OCD, defensive patterns of behavior, including blame/self-blame will continue to rule your life.  As you age it is very possible that you can learn to control you perception of your own defensiveness through self-righteous blame, or some form of false humility. This is when our defenses become increasingly insidious. You become master copers; master defenders keeping everyone at bay, and worse, burying your issues of shame that are at the root of it all.  The way out is to admit to your behavior, seek out and work on the deep issues of shame, and to make different choices when it comes to reactionary behaviors. 

When you start to work on catching your reactive shame based behaviors, try to make note of it, what happened that set it off. Don’t try to control your behaviors. Observe them and let them be your guide to recovery work. Make some notes so you can go back over the scenario when you are in a safe place and have some time to reflect. Seek out the issue in you that set off your “sensitivity” button and discover the “I’m not good enough” thinking that lays beneath that sensitive area.  Make sure you do not go into blaming others or self-blame. Be a detective and find the original issue that was set off by the scenario that occurred. Find ways to soothe yourself regarding the original issue: work with Spirit (pray, use oracle cards, crystals), work with a Spiritual Teacher, get counseling, go to a support group. Be kind to yourself. You are healing a wound.  Do not act out obsessively such as getting drunk, overeating, etc. If you need to let off steam, exercise, meditate, dance, draw, yell.

Here are some steps you can take to start pulling out of OCD (obsessive compulsive defensiveness) 

Stop using justified blame to define your experience.

Remember your pain has nothing to do with this particular story. (The story or situation is stirring up shame from the past)

You are experiencing obsessive compulsive defensiveness and it is this compulsion that is causing you to hurt, not the actual situation.

This issue is trying to serve you by making you see that internal conflict (obsessive compulsive defensiveness) was present long before this story began

Remind yourself that this situation does not have to control you. It is the need to give into obsessive compulsive defensiveness that is trying to control you.  Remember: This conflict is offering you the possibility of healing.

By noting the behavior and contemplating it when it is safe to do so, you are giving your shame based/defensive identities a chance to heal.

Be grateful for the message that the shame based/defensive identities are giving you. That healing is taking place through conflict.

Each time you take on this work, do something that is nurturing and pleasurable, to reward yourself for you courage and bravery in taking on this work.

 Journey On