Making Direct Amends and New Behaviors

Making Direct Amends and New Behaviors

Making amends is not only a crucial part of recovery programs, it is a crucial part of living life as an awakened person who lives with mindfulness, self-awareness, and self-care that includes nurturing your self-esteem and self-value by living with personal ethics and integrity. Amends also include amends to your Self. The purpose of amends is to heal yourself, your heart and your integrity. Amends is not about getting someone to forgive you, or be in a relationship with you again or to even talk to you again. In fact, in some cases the damage you caused may not be reversible and you may not be able to be addressed directly and you will have to find a way to make indirect amends to heal your heart and the other person will never know. Praying to Spirit or your Higher Power for forgiveness has nothing to do with amends. Acting like you are the victim because someone will not let you close enough to make amends has nothing to do with recovery and not making amends at all means you are definitely not in recovery or working on your Self or your Path. Amends to Self and others is crucial and it involves doing something, changing something through actions. It is not “thinking” something or “feeling differently”. Personal growth is reflected in changed behaviors, the rest is talk and insight but without behavior changes it means whatever you think you might have learned, or whatever you think is now new and different about you, is not yet new and different because nothing was actually applied, put into practice.  Just like the alcoholic always has a story about not drinking or not drinking as much or tells you s/he has had an epiphany as to why s/he drinks, until they actually stop drinking and stop acting like an alcoholic (dry drunk), the changes are not yet in place. Only the “try”, or the lie, is in place.  New behaviors are not only an essential part of amends; they are an essential part of recovery and self-care and personal and spiritual growth. Until you implement new behaviors based on what you learn about being a better/bigger more evolved, more aware, more compassionate person, it is just book learning and a good “sell” to other people as you profess to “be” spiritual or awakened.

Taking on making amends simply cannot be done the first time by yourself, without a therapist, counselor, mentor or sponsor especially if you are not a regular in any 12-Step program. Amends cannot come from shame and if you are too ashamed to work with someone that is a good red flag that you are still coming from a shame-based energy. In addition, part of making direct amends is the ability to listen to the other person should s/he have the need to tell you directly to your face how much pain and harm s/he feels you caused him/her, by your actions. If you cannot talk to someone about your actions, how do think you will have the strength to listen, and listen without becoming the victim, again?  Making amends takes a series of steps and these steps need to be done with human guidance helping you to ask yourself a series of questions about harm you caused, to whom, what specifically happened, and what specifically you did or did not do. In other words you need to do inventory before you have the material to begin to figure out how to make amends, and to whom. Again, if you are shame-based you will not be able, or ready, to take a true inventory and any attempt at making amends from this shame-based place will then run the risk of you actually trying to people-please, manipulate your way back into a relationship, or present as a victim….. “poor me.. I am “trying” to make amends and you won’t let me” or “you are rejecting me…again”.

If you can work with someone or a group such as 12-Step you begin with an inventory of the people you feel ready to redress wounds. Amends heal your heart and your injured sense of self-value and self-esteem. Making amends and changing your actions create opportunities for you to behave as an ethical person with integrity and there is nothing more healing than being proud of your actions and your behaviors. It beats all self-talk pep talks and positive affirmations by a long shot. Making direct amends, when possible, always is the most powerful. This will mean in part that you address the wrongs you committed against that person very specifically and in detail, step by step and acknowledge what you imagine that must have done to that person. This lets both you and the other person know that you truly considered the effects of your actions. And if you have not done your homework of working out your inventory with your mentor, you will cause more damage in this step because if you are unprepared or coming from shame-based energy your take on the effects of your actions will be so far off as to actually cause more damage. Being prepared by doing very specific and detailed inventory allows you to explore and own how you felt as a result of your actions or even while you carrying out your actions. Talking through your inventory with your mentor is cathartic and will give you the chance to process your emotions about the event and the hurts you caused so you don’t end dumping your unhealed emotions on the person you are making amends with.

In the process of working through and talking through your inventory with your mentor or group you spend time discovering not only your own feelings but also you will explore what your actions must have done to the other person personally, socially, professionally, financially, emotionally, and perhaps physically. This will allow you to have some empathy for the other person and perhaps even some compassion. Unhealed wounded people typically are so self-involved with their own stories of being a victim that they very often are lacking the ability to have compassion for others and it becomes a skill they must learn. Taking inventory is a tool, an action, which allows you to explore and learn and actually show compassion for others. Only when you have insight and compassion regarding the damage you caused can you begin to think about what actions you can take that will be appropriate to that specific person and that specific event or situation. Only when you have faced your own shame can you also begin to consider what actions might help you to feel better about yourself and your behaviors as a human being.

Taking inventory and creating amends is a process that takes some time, tons of consideration and thoughtfulness and of course the courage to carry them out. You will need to be strong enough and open enough to stay present while you listen to the other person talk about the pain and possibly harm you caused him/her. That is an essential part of direct amends. If you are making direct amends to your Self, you will need to do some work to directly listen to your Inner Child and hear the pain and harm you caused to your Sacred Self. 

There is no one way to make amends. You and your mentor will have to do some research, be creative and work with Spirit, your Higher Power to find actions that are specifically appropriate and meaningful to each person and each situation. Timing and your energy will be essential for carrying out the work of direct amends. Making amends is not a “technique” to be carried out mechanically as if it is a magic wand that will “fix things”. You will need to work with your Higher Power, with Spirit, in order to tune in energetically and come from a higher place and an open heart if you want to allow your Self, your heart, and hopefully the heart of the other person (but that ultimately is his/her business) to be deeply affected by the healing power of making amends.

If you feel you need some skills in apologizing and changing your behaviors (an essential part of a deep apology) one of my favorite authors has an excellent book : Why won't you apologize? by Harriet Lerner

Journey On

Dr. Marie @ MarieFeuer.Org

Life Path Healings, Yucaipa CA

Classes and private sessions in person and online