Lying, lying by omission, lying to yourself, denial

Lying, lying by omission, lying to yourself, denial.

 

 Working with your Self, working to help others, “lying” is one of the biggest obstacles. Lying can be subjective, such as telling while lies to be “diplomatic” or to keep your job (or your spouse) but lying can also be examined or confronted with evidence.  Below are some (a very small sample) of examples I experience. Details have been altered for privacy.

At least 10% (it used to be more) people ask to work with me but also tell me they do not have money to work with me (usually in an attempt to get some kind of free work) and then they go on expensive vacations within a month. Why not say truthfully, “I have different priorities and my money is going to vacations (or spas, or newer car etc.).

“I have no money and need a job and cannot get a job.” I get this person a job a week later and the employer contacts me to say the person does not want to work; that s/he has too many projects (meaning she wants to do what she wants to do and have someone else pay her bills?) to do and is only available to work 1.5 days per week (plus I am told s/he is a slow, maybe lazy, worker…and I reached out for the favor). When I brought this information to the person who needed the job, s/he felt “busted” and never came back to classes etc. Oh year. S/he had been declaring to me how much s/he wished she could do private work with me but had no money. A few months later she was financially thriving but still never came back.

“I have to work and I hate my job.” Turns out the spouse pays ALL the bills including many expensive recreational toys. They make some “pocket” money for themselves, that’s it. Not only does s/he not have to work, s/he definitely doesn’t have to work at a job s/he hates.

“I came here to learn” and then uses every opportunity to “teach” a class by “preaching” what s/he knows. Using someone else’s venue to self-promote (I was told this is quite common in new age “gatherings”).

Some other very common lies that are lies to the self, not so easy to identify because the evidence is really not there: “It’s fine with me if you sleep with other people.” “Yes I love making love with you, it’s all good.”  “No, s/he is not using me; I like doing ____________________ for her/him.”

There are so many more examples. The point is people lie, all the time.  The question of why this is true is a sociological and psychological question with answers and research way too comprehensive for the scope of these short articles.  It is however a fact that lying is an enormous waste of time sometimes taking 1-2 years in therapy (or at Life Path Healings) to just get to a place of being honest with your Self and being comfortable with who you are, ALL aspects of your beautiful perfectly imperfect Self.

Denial is not lying. Denial is a term meaning it is an area of the psyche that is currently completely blocked, so blocked you don’t even know it is blocked and sometimes you don’t even know there is an issue there (feelings, circumstances, events, memories etc.) that IS blocked.  A person does not know that s/he was in denial until s/he comes out of denial. Coming out of denial is an extraordinary shocking and often painful and definitely one of the most unforgettable life events a person will ever have. No one can bring someone else “out of denial”. You can point out evidence (drinking every day, getting beaten by your spouse, etc.) and a person literally will not and cannot see the evidence until they are “ready” and strong enough, and that is determined by Spirit, the protector of your psyche and your emotional health.  And when there is no evidence, such as someone is covertly filled with rage or is narcissistic there is no way you can address that; you have to leave it to Spirit (unless you are the therapist, healer, Teacher etc.) and in the meantime trust your intuition, pay attention to every subtle red flag, protect yourself with boundaries etc. and do not doubt your own intuition about the red flags.

Lying by omission is definitely a conscious choice and the tactic of preference by narcissistic, covertly narcissistic, greedy, self-indulgent, self-absorbed self-centered people who manipulate others to get what they want for themselves. Their ever present orientation is to get the best options or themselves by manipulation their stories and circumstances to obtain the best benefits out of every situation and every person they know including, sadly their own children. One exception are those with “secrets” who feel the need to constantly hide and use omission as a kind of camouflage counting on the “social graces” of the culture to honor their choice of unspoken, implied boundaries. This is often accomplished by a great deal of silence, the use of humor, and/or changing the subject to deflect away from sensitive or hidden subjects the person does not want to discuss.

Lying by omission is sometimes linked to lying to yourself, when you have convinced yourself that your “story”, your constructed narrative, is “real”. People talk themselves into realities that will give them the best results. For example if you present well as a victim, you can find others that will buy your story and (hopefully) will jump in to rescue you with resources, or attention.  Fortunately in this situation a trained observational person (therapist, Teacher etc.) can always find ways to document and extract enough real evidence, over time, about this kind of lying to the self and will be able to eventually present this evidence to the person (client or student) so s/he can see, “get”, what s/he is doing.  This takes time and regular ongoing sessions and most of all the courage (because there is usually quite a bit of blow back) and intuitive timing of the trained person helping to bring this kind of essential material up. It also takes the commitment of the student/client not to leave, to bail out because this kind of self-growth can be uncomfortable to the ego especially.

No self-growth or Spiritual Practice survives lying to the Self or image manipulation to the public. Unfortunately most trained people are reluctant or even afraid to confront someone they are working with, with this kind of material due cultural restrictions, out of date psychological training, but perhaps most of all, fear of losing a client or student (lost income). Also, some trained professionals cannot handle the blowback that often accompanies this kind of work (especially as opposed to “being positive”, hugging, encouraging, nurturing and other “I will make you feel good so I feel good” choices.

Lying to yourself is a kind of denial, however it truly is not denial; denial is a completely hidden issue or insight. When you are lying to yourself you will hear yourself telling yourself “stories” about who you are (“Oh I am secretive because I am a Scorpio”), how your day is going, why you made the choices you made. In fact one of the signatures of people lying to themselves is their compulsion to (always) “tell you who they are.” A woman does not enter a room and declare I am a woman; it is obvious and it is also an accepted part of that woman’s identity. Whenever someone has to tell you how you should perceive them, beware. Be careful here because covert narcissists will deliberately manage their presentation and most are psychology experts as they get through life by manipulating the perceptions of others and they do this through deliberate presentations of their façade. So if someone does not “declare who s/he is” do not take that as “sign”, you still have to look at the whole picture. Covert narcissists will let you do the talking so they can learn more about you quickly in order to more effectively manipulate you to get what they want from you.

Again, this is a complex and deep subject barely addressed in a short article. If you want to commit to self and soul evolution you will have to learn a level of honesty that is not practiced by muggles (the general population). How do you do this? One of the simplest ways is attending 12-Step meetings as honesty is built into that culture of recovery and growth. People who lie to themselves typically detest 12-Step meetings. Other than that, you will have to find someone to work with who asks you tough questions rather than simply hugs and affirms you. The latter you can get anywhere these days. You will have to be willing to feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable at times (read Bene Brown and look at her TED talk) and you will have to be willing to be open to discovering who you really are and be less invested in “proclaiming” who you are to other people or even your Self.

Journey On

Dr. Marie

Life Path Healings Yucaipa, California