Why isn't my life getting any better?

Why isn’t my life getting better?

This is a short article addressing a complex subject so not every contingency can be or will be covered in the depth needed to deeply comprehend and perhaps use this information. 

People go to therapy to learn about themselves, to investigate problems/challenges, and to learn new skills to improve the quality of one’s life, and one’s mental and emotional health.  People seek out spiritual practices to improve the quality of one’s life and one’s emotional and mental health and often to find “meaning” in life. People like to get "Readings", predictions and have their "guides" "tell them" what to do, but you still have to do the work!  People like to learn the why’s of life, why you feel the way you do, why certain things are the way they are (for example, why you are overweight….oh, you starved in a past life did you?), why you cannot “get” more of the things you want or think your need, etc., the list is endless. 

Learning “why” is only helpful when you are in the middle of solving a problem, meaning you are actively taking actions (changing behaviors) and the “why” can help you narrow down your research on the skills you specifically need at the moment to solve your current problems. Learning “why” can also become an obstacle when people focus on the “why” as a way to avoid taking any action. Focusing on “why” can also be used (in a dysfunctional manner) to avoid feelings and to avoid taking responsibility for your choices and your actions (justifications). It is a stronger choice to focus on “how”. How do I apply what I learned? How do I learn new skills I need to practice?  How do I use the “why” I learned to create a solid and functional program of practicing new behaviors, skills and decision making?

Information that is not applied in practicality, in action, in behavior changes, remains simply that, information. That is like reading about how to drive a car and never actually taking the risk to get into the driver’s seat and learning how to drive by applying the information you learned. In our current culture, holding people accountable is now often called “victim shaming” and most therapists, Teachers, healers etc. wilt under the threat of that label and back off from holding people accountable for their choices and actions. Holding people accountable is not shaming nor is it judgemental. Besides, being judgmental is a healthy skill. Every day you make judgements, about what to eat, who to talk to and about what etc.  Calling someone toxic, for you, at this time, could save your life. Letting a predator (like a narcissist or sociopath) get close to you in the name of being “non-judgmental”, loving, accepting, and “positive” could be your demise. Stuffing your judgements and feelings in order “be” a “positive” and “loving” person will injure your body and immune system and will help you to develop a chronic (usually untreatable, only manageable) health condition and while some immune compromised illnesses are genetic or physically based, most are not.  

Having judgements (or judgement calls if that feels more comfortable to you) saves your life. You judge what is safe for you right now. The stigma against appearing judgmental tips the scales for care-givers who, in order to keep clients/students, and to avoid lawsuits, serve up “positive” vibes and clients/students keep coming back for another fix of positive….until…..people notice not much in their life has  changed or is changing. It is not working. Sadly this can often eat up a decade or more of one’s life not to mention the dollars spent.  When people wake up to these observations, then they say therapy doesn’t work, crystals don’t work, and healers don’t work. And there is a bit of despair, now what? Sometimes people give up, or they now try medications, or go back to old behaviors and choices, or sink into depression. Sometimes health issues become the Teacher, or court cases, divorce and child custody, or accidents with disabling injuries. 

When circumstances victimize people, they are then forced to start learning, to actually make different choices,  and change behaviors and to learn and apply what they learn in order to survive debilitating circumstances. This is not true for every so-called negative occurrence. Some of these occurrences were going to happen and were built into the fate and destiny of one’s life path. However some “big lessons” could have been avoided or mitigated by not labeling things as negative (and therefore as things to be avoided) and instead choosing to take on your life challenges as a Spiritual Warrior rather than waiting for Life to escalate your issues to force you to become a Warrior.

Whatever you learn you will have to apply what you learned in order for the learning to work, to have an actual impact on your life, just like reading a menu is no substitute for eating the food.  Everything on Earth is dualistic, yin and yang, and everything grows here on earth only with stress and effort, effortless effort. Meaning it is effortless in that it is inevitable and that when you choose stress, healthy stress, the effort becomes pleasure. Giving birth takes effort. A seed sprouting takes effort. Building muscles takes effort. Digesting food takes effort. Even sitting on the couch and gaining weight takes effort.  You simply get “used to” or habituated to certain efforts that then become habits but in order to establish that habit (good ones and bad ones) you had to apply a great deal of effort and there is always some stress (friction, movement, choices, decisions, changes in behaviors etc.) with effort. Once effort and stress becomes habit, you forget all the effort and stress you applied to create that habit. Consciously creating new habits, new behaviors, making new choices will take effort and stress, and will at first “feel bad."

Quitting and trying the next new thing is the flavor of this current culture and of this current time in history and this behavior can become a distraction for decades. Using “the next new thing” to avoid feelings, avoid taking risks needed to practice new behaviors, is a behavior that is applauded these days. Blaming your current teacher/therapist/workshop instead of taking what you learned, applying it and moving on is often used to "self soothe," but also to avoid looking at the work you did or did not do.  Sticking with old routines, old stories (narratives) in order to avoid the effort and stress of change is also common these days rather than to risk being labeled as “victim shaming”.

To find out if something works for you or not (therapy, diet, a workout routine, a Teacher etc.) you will need to try out new choices and behaviors and stick with it long enough to get past the initial resistance of stress and effort. You have to DO and experience (unless of course abuse or coercive control is involved). To find out if something works for you, you will have to make the effort to learn AND create the time to practice what you are learning. If you do not do well with stress and effort (unless forced to do so via life circumstances) you will have to create structure for yourself (a schedule) to practice, and put support in place (a support group, a Teacher, mentor, therapist, etc.). Before you quit, have a session with yourself, with your support people, to make sure you are not running away. ( Make sure your support people are balanced and strong enough to be honest with you, not just committed to making you feel better.) 

If it is time to move on, you will not be very emotional about it because you are making a balanced decision. While you feel some emotions you will feel accomplished and pleased with your efforts.  You will not be “righteous” about your decision or have to make up some fantastic narrative to justify your decision. You will not spend energy tearing down your teacher, workshop, etc. If you are making a balanced decision it will primarily feel simple, complete, cool, taking with you all you have learned thus far, and you will not be running to another solution (another diet, boy/girlfriend, job, Teacher etc.) 

To make a balanced decision you will have to look at evidence, specific (dates, times, places, what exactly happened) evidence, at what you actually did to try and make something work for you (In 12-Step this is called taking inventory.)  Sadly most people cannot do this (or even try to do this) as their avoidance levels are so high that if asked for specifics either they do not remember (or block the information) or they are so busy being “checked out” (dissociated) or creating narrative that they can only recall (and speak) generalities. “I followed the diet and it didn’t work” is not specific.  “I did the meditations you told me and nothing happened” is not specific. If someone rages when asked to be specific, that is a giant red flag of avoidance and that the person does not want to be held accountable for his/her choices, actions and behaviors and is choosing blame in place of accountability and personal responsibility. Again, if the situation included abuse or coercive control, this does not apply as people often dissociate as a coping skill and some time will be needed for recovery before doing any kind of inventory. 

Nothing works without effort and all effort takes three things: your attention (focus), your time, and your energy.  If you want to make changes in your life you will have to make a plan to actually create time in your daily life to make the effort to implement change. You can make a plan every day or for the week or month. Why? Because change is new and your current life is full. You will have to make a plan that includes time for you to learn (read, study, listen, talk, watch, think), time to practice what you are learning, and time to check your progress. Are you doing things correctly—after all you are now doing things you have never before done.  What is very clear to me about all of us living life is that life itself is the greatest teacher. If you cannot make the time, Life will make you, make the time at some point.  In reality, sadly, most people will put more attention, time and energy into planning a vacation or fixing up their home, than making changes in their lives.

As you pay attention to your progress you should really consider working with someone or a group that has more experience and/or knowledge than you to help you and guide you, especially in the beginning. This is a journey, not a destination. You will have make adjustments as you learn. Learning comes in increments. For some people, it will be almost impossible to work with another person or group. If you experienced dysfunction (emotional as well as physical), abuse, being betrayed by others (and more) during your most vulnerable and tender early years, you learned to survive by becoming an expert at isolating yourself, not trusting one person all the while pretending to fit in. For you, it will be your habit to make others bad and wrong or to make yourself bad and wrong. 

Black and white thinking saved your life as a child and is now a major part of your neurobioloby as well as your habitual emotional preference. You will typically avoid groups, teachers or mentors, or only work with them for a period of time so you can than leave, criticize them, and sometimes even attack or betray them, before they (in your mind) do that to you. After all, that is your reality of what "help" or "trust" looks like to you based on your unhealed early trauma. For people with this kind of background, even starting on a healing journey can take a crises, or decades of time, or perhaps not even possible in this lifetime and their trauma is handed down to their children and grandchildren. This is said with great sadness and compassion, not judgement.

If you want to make changes you can do so before it escalates into problems. Get support, create structure for yourself if you need it, monitor and track your progress (mindfulness and self-awareness), learn to be specific and collect evidence on what IS working so you can track your learning and your progress and keep making small changes to make it all work for you.  But most of all, you are going to have to make time, dedicate time, to practicing what you learn.

Journey On