Honey or Vinegar?

Honey or Vinegar?

For years women (even “feminists”) have preached “honey gets you more than vinegar”. I still hear that. And I must note I have NEVER heard that “advice” given from a man or from a woman to a man!  Honey.  This does not imply putting yourself in the shoes of another to be compassionate and/or understanding. It implies seduction, manipulation, even flirtation, and the historical “feminine wiles”.  But what does this really do? What is underneath this?

Using “honey” implies the person you wish to communicate with must be “handled” and while this is often true for interactions with associates, coworkers, supervisors, the court system, IRS etc., is this the kind of relationship you want with close friends, lovers, spouse, children, parents etc.? If so, read no further, you will be bored.  Using “honey” on people that matter to you and that are close to you, implies that the person is morally and emotionally weak and perhaps even unintelligent and you have to, without his/her permission give the information or request in a palatable fashion so s/he can “swallow” it. As if the person just needs to blindly accept and swallow it and give you what you want without discussion, questions or negotiation.  Is this honey? Or are you requesting obedience and being controlling.  Are you implying the person is not worth the trouble of having a mature discussion? Or not intelligent, mature enough to have some input?

Using honey weakens the other person and eats away at your moral integrity. It can leave you feeling “dirty” or slimy.  When you use honey you are not doing your own work of placing yourself in the other person’s shoes, using compassion and thoughtful language, asking questions, learning to negotiate and compromise. It is also teaching the other person to use honey with you. Now you have two people “handling” each other and before you know it you have created a sham of a relationship.

The other option is not vinegar. That is hammer and nail thinking typical of unhealed people. Black and white thinking, control or be controlled, win or lose are all red flags that you are not healed from childhood trauma where this kind of thinking became mandatory for your survival as a helpless child. You are now an adult. There are a myriad of skills, coping mechanisms, communication techniques that can be learned for you to start using compassion, understanding, negotiation, mediation, compromise and most of all authenticity and love to problem solve and communicate with people you love and those that matter to you. You will have to learn and practice to apply all of which is uncomfortable, will make you feel vulnerable and clumsy and confused (all typical of deep learning) and you will get stronger and more mature and better balanced and centered.

Being straight forward does require that you use diplomacy and timing, except it is called being sensitive and considerate as to what is going on in the life of the other person and not using it to reach your goal or  your objective of getting what you want without an argument or a hassle. If you are learning to be more authentic and straight forward here are some ideas. When you catch yourself using honey, apologize and look at your secret agenda. What is it that is so important for you to “get your way” that it is more of a priority to you than an authentic, honest and deep relationship with the other person?  Own that with yourself and with the other person (that will heal the shame of your choice, and it is a form of Shenpa).  Learn to ask, “Is this a good time to talk?”  Think of the impact of your desire, what you want to “get” or “get done” on the other person so you can choose language and vocabulary that will have meaning to the other person, not to manipulate them For example, if you were talking to a young adult newly arrived from the Soviet Union, how would you best explain something or ask something of him/her? In that case you would carefully and with consideration choose words to make your concepts clear so you both can better communicate (as opposed to honey that makes all choices to make sure the other person does not react badly and you get your way). All people have an intricate and private personal culture inside of them. You will never know all of it as you do not live in their body with their brain. With every communication, take the time to consider what you don’t know about the person.  Don’t make assumptions; that is a lazy trait of bad relationships.  Be prepared to put your own thinking out there to create a context for the other person to better understand your thinking. Be willing to graciously answer questions, be open and vulnerable. Be willing to ask questions. Be willing to listen and consider their point of view and priorities.  Be open to new ideas and new ways of thinking. Most of all be willing to apologize when you do make false assumptions, miscommunicate, forget to ask questions and a myriad of other things that might happen when you communicate authentically. 

When you are more straightforward in an appropriate manner (which will not always be “perfect”) you are honoring the other person. You are working with the assumption that this person you care about is intelligent, strong, centered and has skill in listening, compassion, negotiation, compromise and thoughtfulness.  Each straight forward communication and encounter will deepen your relationship with that person. You learn to trust each other to be honest, to give each other the space (and trust) to listen, consider, think, discuss and come together. Each use of “honey” distances you, creates secret agendas, and teaches each other to hold secrets until it is the “right time” meaning using timing to ensure you get what you want.  If you currently use honey, you worked very hard to learn, practice, hone and master that skill. Should you choose to take a different path now, make no mistake, not only will you have to learn, practice, hone and master new skills, you will also have to learn to catch, own up to and face head on the consequences of your choices.

 Journey On