The Art of Arguing

The Art of Arguing

In many cultures, arguing is a form of affection. Middle Eastern, Armenian, Italian, etc. will treat you with cold un-engaged politeness if you are a stranger of no concern. If you are “family”, someone loved and cherished, you will be engaged in arguments followed by respect and often hugs. For those of you who have never traveled, been around diversity, or studied sociology and/or social psychology this is probably a foreign concept. Arguing even when it is not part of the culture and enjoyed, is actually a natural part of life and healthy intimate relationships, even animals argue and bicker. Dysfunctional families keep secrets and there are no arguments, only the silence of keeping secrets until that builds up to rage. Instead of healthy arguments, using rage and the fear (and violence) that rage creates, ensures that the secrets will continue to be kept. There are many wonderful books on how to have healthy arguments with no rage, no fear and no below the belt attacks. So if you are lacking the skill of having healthy (and often fun) arguments, read, study, learn, and practice and break the cycle of dysfunction. Here we will look at some other aspects about your reluctance to argue and when it is appropriate to argue, and when it is not.

If you are from a dysfunctional family you will either “suffer” in silence, or pick an argument not only with the wrong person, but also on a wrong topic. What does this mean? Adult children of dysfunctional families typically do not know what they are feeling and are scared of feeling their feelings because as a child they would be punished or shamed for their feelings. Also because rage is often the norm in dysfunctional families, anything that looks or feels like confrontation especially with someone either close to them or someone they imagine to be in a power position is terrifying. Any unhealed childhood experiences will continue to dominate your present time thinking and you will create a “safe” argument on an irrelevant topic with an irrelevant person rather than feel your own feelings, especially anger or sadness. You will pick an argument with someone “safe” who has nothing to do with your real issue. For example, if your spouse is ignoring you at home, you will create an argument with your supervisor or co-worker at work as a way to blow off enough steam so you can contain your anger at home and avoid any discussion because that would feel like confrontation to you.  This does not just occur in dysfunctional families.  In sociology studies we learn that oppressed peoples (people of color, poverty, women, gay, etc.) cannot fight “the man” and in that powerlessness will often then create a fight with or kill family members when it is the system that is causing the issues. Until there is education and consciousness raising to identify the system as the issue and teaching skills to pursue freedom and equal rights, this tendency will be used by the “system” to keep oppressed populations fighting among themselves (Pablo Freire: Pedagogy of the Oppressed, a magnificent book if you are so inclined to educate yourself).

This is, as usual, a short article that just touches upon an extremely complex subject so only key points will be presented here. There is a great saying in 12-step programs: Take the best and leave the rest.  This means when you are working on yourself, and working with others either in a support group, therapy, healer or Teacher, listen to what is offered, take what you can use and what makes sense to you at the time, and let the rest go. Why?  When you are in a learning situation, be it a group or individual, you are there to learn, not “win” an argument. The second you find yourself arguing with someone or a group trying to help you heal, you can bet you just got triggered meaning some old wound and your ego just got bumped and you are reacting.  If you truly reject what is being said, it may be time for you to leave the group or individual.  If you disagree and want to stay, ask questions instead of picking an argument. You can say “I am having trouble believing or grasping what you are presenting, can you help me to see this a different way?”  Sometimes if the vibe is right you can say with humor, “I disagree, convince me.”

For some of you it will be close to an impossible task for you to not pick an argument. If your identity is still tied up in being a victim you will often use provocative language to ensure a reaction occurs that you will insist upon interpreting as an angry reaction, and an argument will follow, an argument you are guaranteed to “lose.”  You will usually create this argument with someone you care deeply about or at least care about his/her opinion about you. Why? Because a victim mentality, which was your “norm” as a child means you are rejected by someone you love and/or respect, or you someone you feel is important to your survival.  You will be recreating your dysfunctional wounded childhood over and over by provoking and creating meaningless arguments with the wrong person (meaning the person you are arguing with is not your enemy and did nothing wrong, and in fact is your “safe” person) so you can “lose” and once again feel humiliated and rejected, the childhood feelings you are most familiar with and sadly, that familiarity makes you feel the most comfortable in life.  This ritual will be re-enacted over and over as it has become a compulsive coping mechanism, a defense mechanism, to keep you from identifying and feeling your own uncomfortable feelings. By displacing your discomfort onto someone safe and using that person to make you feel bad, you no longer need to feel responsible for your own feelings, after all, the other person just “did it to you”.  If this sounds or feel familiar to you, now what do you do?

In the long term healing is needed. In the short term, there are a few things you can do. First try the 12-step approach, take the best and leave the rest (alone).  Second, ask questions before arguing. This will help you switch from wanting or needing to “win” or “lose” to gathering more information to gain a deeper understanding of what is being presented or discussed. Third, read, study, learn, practice the rules of healthy arguing and pick your arguments rather than unconsciously or reactively creating them. Arguing is fun. It is passionate and often leads to great make-up sex if it is with a spouse. Finally, if you do catch yourself acting out your “you win, I lose” victim mentality in an inappropriate argument with the wrong person (meaning with someone you are not really mad at) explore what happened and why. Why did you decide you had to be “right” with this person on this topic at this time?  Did you pick an argument about something that wasn’t even any of your business? Why? Was something else bothering you in your life that you were avoiding?  Then, make amends, apologize. Please do not continue the victim behavior you are familiar with and comfortable with by capitulating with a victim response such as “you win and I will never ask you again” or some other kind of nonsense. Allow yourself to make mistakes and be okay about it, accept your behavior, have good humor and grace about it with the person you just engaged in some off kilter argument. Don’t make that person into the bad guy by now making yourself the victim that just “lost” the argument. That will only perpetuate the dysfunctional patterns you learned as a child or through oppression. Lighten up and if appropriate, discuss what happened with the person you engaged. At the very least, apologize and try to clarify what information you were after or clarify that you got triggered and the argument was not what you meant to do. Have the courage to step up and heal.

Journey On