Incongruence

Incongruence

Incongruence is a humanistic psychology concept developed by Carl Rogers which suggests that unpleasant feelings can result from a discrepancy between our perceived and ideal self. The perceived self is how an individual views themselves and the ideal self is how an individual wishes they were.  Carl Rogers believed that for a person to achieve self-actualization they must be in a state of congruence. This means that self-actualization occurs when a person's “ideal self” (i.e., who they would like to be) is congruent with their actual behavior (self-image). The goal of therapy from the humanistic orientation is to allow the client to achieve congruence in term of his real self and his ideal self. This means that what a person is and what he wants to be should become the same as therapy progresses. Self-esteem that is achieved in therapy will allow the client to elevate his sense of what he is, and self-esteem will also lessen his need to be better than what he is. Essentially, as the real self is more accepted by the client, and his raised self-esteem will allow him to be less than some kind of “ideal” self that he feels he is compelled to be.

So what does being incongruent mean? It means you have an idealized picture of who you are but you are not comfortable or accepting of the discrepancies or the paradoxes of your current choices. The key here is that you are not comfortable with all parts of your Self.  I knew a woman, a licensed therapist, a single mom, who was a hard core dominatrix (and sometimes a high priced escort) and was doing her work for Jesus. She was/is completely at peace with her beliefs and lifestyle choices and not only accepted but also was passionately committed to her path. That is being congruent. Congruent is not logical, nor does it mean you follow the laws of mainstream society nor does it mean you disclose your choices indiscriminately to just anyone. It does mean you are at peace with your Self, with your current choices and beliefs.

When you are incongruent you are not only lying to your Sacred Self, you are actually at war with your Self. Being at war with your Self can in fact cause chronic disease (fibromyalgia, lupus, etc.) as the body’s immune system will be at a constant level of stress due to the anxiety of the secrets kept and the work of projecting an image (both to your Self and the public). There is the fear of getting caught, busted, called out which produces long term low level stress, like having a low grade infection in your body. Constant fear and anxiety and the wear and tear on your body can and usually does then lead to mood disorders (meaning it becomes a chronic condition rather than a passing set of emotions) such as depression, bi-polar, anxiety and nervous disorders and more.  Finally incongruence means you are never fully present, never able to fully know your emotions , feelings and thoughts as so much of your energy is tied up in trying to control and maintain the gap between the perceived self (how actually are in real life) and your ideal self (how you wish you really were). You cannot truly meditate because the dam might burst if you are not controlling it. You cannot practice mindfulness as the presentation of the ideal self must be maintained at all costs so instead of being mindful you are monitoring all your actions, facial expressions, words, and the myriad of other micro adjustments you need to constantly control to keep the self-created projection of the ideal self, functional

In plain English incongruence requires you lie to others and lie to your Self, to maintain the appearance of the person you wish to be. It is the American way after all. Intend. Fake it till you make it. If you build it (the façade of who you wish to be) they will come, etc.  This is why cults are so easy to create here in the USA. Not all of this is evil; some of it is, when it is deliberate like when one uses incongruence to make money which is what con-men/women, cult leaders, and many others do to create an image that will sell and bring in clients/money. The number of people living with incongruence has been exponentially heightened by the onset of social media and seeking social media stardom.  Mostly though, incongruence is based on the unconscious choices of low self-esteem, and denial, the refusal or the current inability to face the truth, your truth of who you are in the now and the choices you are making. When you are incongruent, you will see the side effects in chronic untreatable illness, your children acting out, lots of exhaustion, tons of drama, great stories (so interesting and “special” you are), and much more that cannot be covered in a short article.

Why does one become incongruent? Typically it is the result of a dysfunctional childhood although this can also occur as the result of a concurrent lifetime (often called a past life) bleeding through. If it is the result of an unhealthy or traumatic childhood you were taught and therefore had to learn “to be” someone other than your Self to win the love, affection, attention, praise and support of unhealthy parents. However, as adults reading this article you can choose to heal childhood wounds and dysfunctions (or do a regression for other lifetimes).  Most spiritual people hate dealing with childhood and move right into their “enlightened” self-image without realizing this is a coping mechanism, to become and remain incongruent. As you carry unaddressed and unhealed incongruent patterns into adulthood, sadly you get better and better at the lying and the cover ups, making it harder and much more challenging and complicated to heal. The lies go so deep and go on for so long you can actually forget they are lies. The energy it takes to maintain the façade you have created for your Self and others becomes habitual, familiar and addictive. Even worse, you become more and more protective of your “created self”, after all you have invested a lifetime of energy in it, that if someone either purposefully (like a healer, teacher, therapist etc.) or accidentally creates a crack in your “created self” you will attack that person, going in for the kill because it actually (feels like it) threatens your life even your well-being and career.  

You now are living with toxic shame (a good read: Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw). People with toxic shame are incongruent and they are volatile, whether they show it or internalize it. They are volatile because they have a million “triggers” because they have a million lies, layer upon layer of lies.  With so many lies, and so much shame, even the person his/her self is now confused as to why they get triggered so often, so easily. Sometimes this kind of person now declares they are an empath, or a HSP (highly sensitive person), etc. when really what it is are the hair trigger fuses of toxic shame. When you are congruent, it is very hard for you to be offended, hurt, betrayed etc. because you know who you are, you accept all of who you are and therefore you do not feel insulted because you know your truth. If someone says you are acting like a victim, you laugh and say yes, sometimes, notice, no trigger. If someone says you lie to look good, you laugh and say, yes, sometimes I do, easy peasy. Now your immune system can relax, you can be present as you have no image to defend, you can fully work on your Spiritual Evolution and be open and vulnerable, accepting and willing to Surrender to the Guidance of Source because you are no longer pursuing the agenda of your self-created façade. Whew. What a relief. You cannot imagine this  freedom just reading this. It is beyond your current imagination. It has to be experienced.

Being congruent is not an end goal. It is only the first step to healing and evolution. If you are not congruent, you are not honest, you are not present, you cannot truly meditate.  Becoming congruent is in and of itself a giant first step to having a Spiritual Path and usually takes 1-2 years if you are working with a Teacher. If trying to do this on your own, it takes much longer. How to work on this? The first step is to come out of denial. As they say in all 12-step programs, step one, identify and admit the issue.  After that, too little information given here would be very dangerous as this is a complex subject.  You will have to work with someone, a human, not just Spirit because toxic shame which caused to be incongruent can only be alleviated by exposing your version of it to another human at some point in your healing work on your Self.  FYI: Dr. Marie at Life Path Healings is an expert in this work using therapeutic, spiritual, clairvoyant, and energetic modalities in all her work.  

Journey On.