The Integrity of Being Non-Judgmental

The Integrity of Being Non-Judgmental

This is the Age of Aquarius, yoga, vegan, social media meditations, and most of all to be non-judgmental. So does this mean you love and accept your pedophile neighbor (or NAMBLA for example)? After all they are aligning with the LBGTQIA community as “alternative”. Do you not say anything to your best friend when his/her partner is cheating on them, or stealing from them because you “don’t want to judge” or “be negative”? When does non-judgmental start and end? What if it is really cowardice instead? This is a complex subject that will only be touched upon, explored here in this short article.

Native people all over the world, before so-called civilization, did not have police or prisons. Tribal members held each other accountable, on many different levels. You could not act in a way that was harmful to the tribe or tribal members without someone calling you out and bringing you before the Elders, the Shamans, and the Tribal Council etc. Tribes would exile any person that caused harm to the tribe. These days if you call anyone out, unless it is part of some movement like the current #metoo, you would be called “negative”, judgmental, and told you need to practice unconditional love. Sadly, this means that it usually takes decades of abuse before something like the me-too movement or any form of human and civil rights is finally brought into the light and confronted.   Sociology and social psychology label tribal culture collectivistic, meaning the good of the majority over the individual comes first. In the USA fear mongers label collectivistic behavior as socialism or communism.  The USA is probably the most individualistic culture on the planet, the extreme opposite of collectivistic behavior and its priorities. Individualistic cultural norms means the needs, wants, and desires of the individual take precedent over the good of the “tribe”, profit before people being one example of an individualistic culture’s priorities.  In addition, the USA has probably the most varied multicultural population on the planet. The USA has a plethora of different cultures, all with different definitions of what is acceptable behavior and all with different priorities. For some, it is family first while for others it is to get ahead and perhaps leave the family behind to do so.  In some cultures arguing and haggling for a price are considered normal and friendly, whereas a WASP citizen (white Anglo-Saxon protestant) would find this to be outrageously rude, undignified and completely unacceptable behavior. In some cultures heavy drinking and hitting women is acceptable and even endorsed. In other cultures strong women run the family and have the defining voice when it comes to family decisions. If you have not researched your family tree and educated yourself on your own background, ethnicity, cultural norms, family norms, etc. you are in the dark about behaviors, morals, and integrity that has been handed down to you through your cultural background, you simply take them for granted and they are unconscious.  If you are unconscious about your history in this life, you are in the dark about your beliefs and cultural norms; you cannot make new choices because you do not even know there are choices to be made.

You cannot change yourself without first  waking up to where you currently are, including your beliefs and behaviors that were programmed into you by the ethnic which includes the religious culture of your family tree as well as the specific details of your parents’ background such as was there sexual abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, etc..  As a soul, if you came here to awaken this life, you came here to transcend. You cannot transcend without first learning the lesson you came here to learn from your family of origin. Learning the lessons of your chosen family of origin is part of your Soul Evolution and to transcend you must first graduate from the class called learning about your culture and your family history in order to then have the courage to make choices and live differently rather than living unconsciously, by rote. Once you discover the behaviors and norms you currently take for granted you will also  discover whether or not  you  have the innate skills to be someone who can stand up to others when you observe injustice, cruelty, illegal activities, thievery, lying etc.  You may not be able to even see these things if your cultural and family background is one of “mind your own business” no matter what you see is going on.  You may have been “taught” through your family background to only look out for yourself and that “getting ahead” in life comes before any other distraction or even morality.

Living with fear, or being fearless.  Striving to be perfect, or living authentic.  These are some of the choices you will have to make as an awakened being.  It is impossible to be “non-judgmental”. All your choices are based on judgments.  You have to judge to make choices. When you dress, you judge what will look good or feel good or what will impress, or what will make you blend in. Every piece of food you put in your mouth is a choice based on what you judge will taste good or make you feel good.  You make judgments and judgment calls all the time. When you discover you made a mistake, you get to improve your judgment and judgment calls.  But when it comes to morality, or integrity, suddenly everyone wants to take the position that they are non-judgmental.  Why? When you decide to eat chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla, it is because you have judged that chocolate will taste better. You have not condemned, or criticized, or rejected, or attacked vanilla. If someone wants to get offended over your choice based on your judgment and opinion that is their business and their choice. You cannot live life trying to avoid offending people. Well, you can, but is not emotionally or spiritually healthy and choosing avoidance is not the path of Soul Evolution.

You have a right to choose relationships, friends, lovers, co-workers, bosses etc. You have a right to your choices regarding integrity and what you will and will not tolerate in the community and relationships around you. That doesn’t mean you have to persecute others, but it also doesn’t mean you have to “let it go” when people are lying, cheating, stealing, or treating others badly. Taking a stand is not judgmental in a bad way and not taking a stand can be judgmental in a horrible way. There are no rules and no manual. When you choose to live from the heart and with balance life becomes  fluid, and it is an art form, sculpted by having a real Spiritual Practice other than Instagram and shopping and making up narratives about being a purple flame etc. A Spiritual Practice means cultivating the ability to Listen to the energetic language of Source receiving Guidance that is beyond words and beyond human law.  This can only be done through action, the action of listening, usually through silent meditation.

Standing up for things that matter is not different than standing up for the flavor ice cream you want except that people’s lives are at stake. Fair wages, sexual trafficking, gender freedom and equality, racial equality, drug and alcohol use, sexual preferences in bed, paying bills on time or filing for false disability (the list is endless) all require responses and no response is also a response.  What is the difference?  Why will people stand up for their choice (based on their judgment) that purple hair is a must have,  but will kowtow to a bully or refuse to bring up someone’s drug use or cheating mate?  Because, when it really matters, when the subject is important and people have a stake in what is going on (power, money, control etc.) in those cases people will react and often react aggressively.  So is it cowardice to keep quiet? Sometimes keeping quiet is cowardice, and sometimes it is not (for example, if you your safety is being threatened). There is nothing wrong with the choice of keeping quiet, as long as it is a choice and not an unconscious reaction from your cultural background.  However to mask your choices and avoid looking at your choices and the reasons for your choices under the façade of unconditional love and being non-judgmental is an action that causes a great deal of harm to yourself, others and society.  The choice of “no choice” blanketed with the façade (or cowardice) of calling your choice unconditional love or being non-judgmental, actually cultivates the growth of violence (physical and emotional), abuse, stealing and dishonesty in general.  It gives permission for the behaviors to continue and even escalate.

Everyone has thoughts and opinions about what they see going on in the relationships around them and in society around them. Choosing to “not say anything” (perhaps because you think that choice is more spiritual) is a choice.  Christians choose to let slavery exist. Quakers chose to run the Underground Railroad to help slaves make their way to freedom. Both were spiritual choices.  Become mindful of, and responsible for your choices including those you would call friends. Choose to hold people accountable, or choose to “look the other way”. Sticking your head in the sand is still a choice.  I know I count on the people I love to have the courage and the love for me to bring up topics that are difficult and challenging (in addition to love and hugs) so that I may grow. I consider that a gift from them to me. Where else will we get profound heartfelt feedback so that we may gain insights in order to make new choices?

There are many ways to make statements when you see or experience wrong doing ranging from choosing diplomacy and timing, or choosing to be very assertive.  Just because you make a statement that expresses your opinion and choices, that does not mean you are criticizing or condemning the other choices or the people making those choices. You are simply showing up as authentic, present, mindful, aware, and willing to discuss or at least consider and listen to other viewpoints, all signs and skills of maturity.  You are not responsible for the reactions of others, and one thing is for sure, if a person reacts with anger or aggression, you can be sure you hit a nerve. If you hit a nerve, you can bet that is an area that person is wounded and is currently unable to consider, confront or heal.  You are like a masseuse that hit a tight muscle and when that tight muscle is touched, even lightly, there will be pain. When that happens you are showing a person a place that needs healing. Now it is up to that person to make choices. S/he can attack you, or s/he can go home and consider what they heard and ponder why they over reacted.  

Tolerating differences of opinion, without going to war, but also without hiding, is a profound sign and skill of maturity. Calling someone judgmental or negative for being authentic (while you refuse to take any responsibility for your own reaction) only encourages people to lie not only to others (especially those close to them), but often to themselves as a response to the pressure from others wanting you to conform.  (We saw this in full force in Nazi Germany.)  Finally, hiding under the blanket of being non-judgmental means you are robbing people of the opportunity to learn and grow, to hear and consider different opinions and choices. This is how we see a culture of compliant sheep come into existence (again, Nazi Germany being the most famous, so far, example). If you have trouble expressing yourself, read, learn, and practice. There are excellent books on the subject. If you have fear about expressing yourself, get some help with a person with training, not just intuition.  Participate. Help society to grow and be healthy.  Dare to help individuals to grow and be healthy and accountable for their choices as well.  Teach the children, Learn to have the courage to show up in your own life and to encourage those you love to show up in their own lives.

Journey On