"Handling" People
“Handling” People
When people “handle” me, it makes my skin crawl, literally.
Why do people “handle” others? What is the difference between say being
diplomatic with someone, being professional, or having boundaries all of which
are healthy behaviors compared to “handling” someone? The simple answer is
energy. Handling someone means you are a closed book, you have an agenda with a
person and you want that agenda whether it is to get something from the person
or you wish to make that person go away (without you simply setting a boundary
or being honest). This is a short article and will only begin to touch on this
subject which is really very complex. If what you read sparks something in you,
get some help. You cannot work on this by yourself.
People who “handle” others often do not know that is what
they are doing; it is their unconscious “go to” behavior, their norm. Some ways
of discovering if you are “handling” versus “relating” to someone is to look at
your other choices. You may not realize that addicts always need “handling” so
if you are an addict (of any kind—sugar, sex, alcohol, anything you “must do”
in excess), or if you tend to date, marry or make friends with addicts of any
sort (sugar, alcohol, food, etc.) you are more than likely someone who “handles”
others as well as yourself. A handler type person will choose addicts often
without realizing or admitting to yourself that you are an a addict, because
addicts do in fact need to be “handled” until they come out of denial and start
to participate in recovery. People who bond with addicts (we can generically refer
to this as co-dependency) are control freaks, plain and simple. Yes it is more
complex than that but there is an element that is just that simple. And addicts
can be controlled to some extent more than most because they are already owned
by their addiction so they respond well to control, to a point. People who
choose relationships with addicts (including picking a co-dependent “giver”
person), want to get what they want and will push, shove, lie, lie by omission,
manipulate, flirt, cry, use sex and false promises and more to get they want.
Wait, isn’t that what addicts do? Yes! Being with addicts is also an addiction.
Look at your parents. Did you (or do you) have to “handle”
them to keep getting their support, or money or to keep the peace? Then you
were taught and even developed the neurological patterns (hard wired) to “handle”
people to get what you want (rather than maturely discuss, ask, negotiate etc.).
Do you carefully “prepare” for conversations with others especially with people
who have something you want be it knowledge, money, power or even love? Are you confused about what you feel most of
the time? Then look inside to see how much you are “handling” people rather
than relating to them.
People with low self-esteem lie, they have to otherwise they
could not get through a job interview, or get a second date. Low self-esteem
leaves a gaping hole in your energy field and you will be like a bloodhound
hunting to fill that hole by having children, getting a “cool” lover or spouse,
establishing yourself in some career you think is impressive (even if you are
not at all talented enough or qualified for that career) and many other coping
mechanisms all of which will take lying (to yourself and others) and “handling”
You will have to construct a doppelganger that is the “you” you want others to
think or feel you are as a way to try to continue to exist with the emptiness
and pain inside of you.
This is just touching on this subject. If it has aroused you
so far, time to get some help. What is the difference between handling and
diplomacy and professionalism and boundaries? Honesty. You have no agenda to “get”
something from someone or any desire to impress another person. Instead, you
always go inside first, get connected, and see what it is you need and want to
keep your integrity for your Self and your Path in life. And, you are strong
enough to withstand reactions from others rather than “plotting” what might happened
and planning a strategy of coping as a “just in case” policy, just in case “it”
goes south. You have the strength and courage to be vulnerable, to connect or
not connect with another person. You can come from a place of being helpful
even when turning someone away rather than the selfishness of “handling” which
seeks to protect your damaged self no matter what the cost to another, or
sadly, to yourself. Honesty is energy; it is the energy of connected
authenticity. It does not mean you always know what to do, what to say or when
to say it. It does mean you feel a certain way inside and you also know when
you don’t feel a certain way inside.
Until you get some help, or until your Spiritual Practice is
strong (a practice that teaches you to go inside to allow Spirit/Source to
connect with you because you are now “present” and “home” in your body able to
Receive from Source) here is a practice you can use to start to shut down your habitual
reaction of “handling” others. This is also a practice that will help you to
become more sensitive to others in spite of your low self-esteem, or your fear
of being authentic.
Begin by finding a quiet place and sitting down. It’s helpful to follow your breath for a few minutes as a way to calm the mind a bit.
Become the difficult person or a person you are afraid of, or perhaps you feel you are “using “ this person to “get” something you want. Take your time settling into this new body.
Then, think of the person you chose. Think of what you know about this person: their appearance, how they spend their time, what they care about, what is difficult about them for you. Then, imagine that they are sitting opposite you at eye level. Place them at whatever distance feels right. Don’t worry about getting a clear image. It’s enough to just have a sense they are there.
Notice whatever arises in you as you imagine the difficult person opposite you. What sensations, emotions, and thoughts come up? Allow whatever comes to be there. Take some time with this.
Next, in your imagination, change places with them; become the difficult person. Take your time settling into this new body. What’s it like to be this person? What do you notice in your body? In your emotions? In your thoughts? Again, take your time.
Now, as you look at the person sitting opposite you (i.e., the original you), notice what you feel toward that person. What history do you have? Notice any sensations, emotions, and thoughts that arise. Now, specifically think about what you, now the difficult person, want from the original you.
If it’s okay with you and not harmful, imagine that, as the difficult person, you receive what you want. Notice how it feels to receive it. This step of the contemplation is optional.
Now, trade places again, and go back to being your original self. Once again, look at or sense the person opposite you. What arises for you now as you imagine them? If you gave them what they wanted, how would that feel for you now?
When you feel ready, let the whole contemplation go and rest once again with your breathing for a few minutes.
Having done the contemplation, just notice what you are experiencing, especially when you think of the other person. Notice what, if anything has shifted. Many people find that what the person wanted was something they could readily offer. Others find that it is out of the question.
This contemplation can help you let go of your fixed ideas about the other person or your agenda with that person. It can enable you to see them in a more rounded way and let go of any labels or stereotypes you have been holding about them. It can allow you to see your own greed and selfishness with this person. This may allow you be more open-hearted and less difficult yourself.
Journey On.
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