Raised to be compliant

Raised to be compliant

Schools mainly teach you to memorize and comply.  Education is built for efficiency these days. Move them in, move them out, no child left behind forces teachers to comply to keep their jobs and meet quotas because school scores and attendance need to be kept up in order to fulfill accreditation and continue to receive funding.  It is no one person’s fault. The education system is severely outdated and needs a complete overhaul. 

Furthermore busy parents with no real education in excellent parenting also get caught up in compliance more than teaching age appropriate behaviors.  More and more busy parents rely on the school system to teach the behavioral and emotional skills that used to be learned at home.  The culture of our educational system has produced people that are geared towards “shut up” and “get it done” which means not asking questions, not bringing up problems or trouble shooting potential problems before they might occur.  People have been taught to become invisible in order to either not get in trouble or to “get by” in a system that does not want to be disturbed.

On the other extreme of dealing with the “system” are rebellious behaviors, disruptions, or dropping out. And somewhat in the middle is behaving in a grandiose manner in order to “convince” the powers that be that “all is good” and in many cases the students have learned to manipulate and use the pressure of the system to bully teachers and administrators into giving a passing grade without the effort made to earn it.  The result is you have been taught the behaviors of compliance.  In order to then become an awakened, balanced mature person one must both unlearn dysfunctional manipulative behaviors such as grandiosity, bullying, or a victim stance as well as learn more functional alternative responses and behaviors. 

What are the behaviors of compliance? Not asking questions.  People pleasing your boss or teacher or professor in order to receive a good grade or a raise. Presenting yourself as a victim and manipulating the system “take care” of you. Agreeing with authority without thinking anything through and then doing whatever you want to do anyways with a plan to not get caught or noticed.  Manipulative people pleasing, not rocking the boat in any fashion, real or imagined. Seeking to smooth things over rather than digging around to find the source of issues or problems and then looking for more stable solutions rather than patching up the symptoms.  Covering  your a**  with a grandiose over reaction because taking responsibility for your part in some situation might mean a lawsuit or getting fired.  With these machinations you sacrifice critical thinking, your intellectual and emotional curiosity is diminished or even crushed and you never learn to take healthy risks or learn how to handle failure which is always a part of learning. Always.  Most of your decisions and actions are based on the anxiety of surviving circumstances or  spending  your energy and intellect  figuring out how to “get over” on someone or some situation.   Your lust for learning and living, your sense of adventure, play and your authenticity  as a person all become second fiddle.

These behaviors hinder personal growth, awakening, enlightenment and even corrupt healthy self-care.  You begin to wake up as you see or experience your dysfunction. Or perhaps you see it showing up in your children, or grand-children. So now what? Start with examining what you were taught as the hidden curriculum of your education both in schools as well as your family culture. What were the unspoken rules and behaviors that were expected of you that you internalized to the point of believing they are your normal?  Start tracking your thoughts, behaviors, and decisions. Carry around a little notebook every day to make notes when you make decisions to disappear, to manipulate, to become invisible, when you feel you need to protect yourself.  Notice when you don’t ask questions. Identify times you “suck up” to some authority figure in order to manipulate getting approval or simply to stay out of trouble.  Notice when you make up “stories” to yourself and others to justify everything that is going on rather than truly looking at what happened or at your behaviors, reactions or choices and learning more about yourself and deepen your journey on becoming a better, bigger person.

Then in places where you feel it is safe for you, with a Teacher, therapist, recovery group, close friends, spouse, adult or older children, start trying new behaviors. What new behaviors you ask? Start off with simply no longer doing what you always do. Tell people what you are trying, Make it playful. Be willing to get a face full of mud. Ask questions. Risk stating your opinion. Get into friendly, healthy arguments. Start off with low risk changes before jumping into the deep water.  Take responsibility for your actions or lack of actions. Ask for feedback. Risk showing your emotions more, a little at a time. Be willing to admit you don’t know something.  Ask questions, and listen to and consider the answers before reacting or getting defensive. Read books. Read Pema Chodron

This IS difficult to do by yourself. People who go to 12-step meetings have a safe forum to practice (Codependents anonymous for example). Group therapy works. Working only with a therapist is difficult as the therapist can be seen as an authority figure that triggers your compliance, people pleasing or other manipulative behaviors.  Social groups or clubs can sometimes work. If you have a Spiritual Community (classes  or meditations you attend) you can even announce what you are doing and you can do that in 12-step programs as well. Persist. Play. Have courage. Laugh at you mistakes as you make progress. Be sure to track you progress (again, carry around a little notebook to take notes throughout the day really works). Persist.

Journey On.