The U-TUrn

The U-Turn

Last week felt like a bit of risk writing so boldly about errant behaviors in an era where people seemed determined to not mention anything but the “positive” and give each other “encouragements” (Which is so out of balance that it now teaches people to rely on external validations rather than seeking internal validations or Spiritual Guidance. It also seduces people into to manipulative behaviors with others in order to receive more external validations, creating a culture of addictive ego-stroking and shame avoidance.)  I was so thrilled to hear back from other Spiritual Teachers who expressed their thanks for the article as they too have encountered ghosting and stonewalling behaviors from their students.  I was even more amazed and thankful (and joyful) to hear from the brave souls who were stunned to realize that they were indeed ghosting and stonewalling others. For them it was a huge wake-up call to realize how much fear and hostility they were harboring and they were able for the first time to understand and take responsibility for the painful side effects that stonewalling and ghosting has, on all parties involved. Honesty may be difficult but the outcome is Healing. Stonewalling and Ghosting may provide you (and your fragile or threatened ego) with instant relief (like taking a drug, or a drink) but the outcome is more shame, and more wounds. Thank you all for communicating with me. This has given me the courage to tackle another “we just don’t talk about this” subject that is, sadly, a behavior that occurs not only for those on a Spiritual Path, but also for those in therapy or in recovery with 12-Step programs or other forms of recovery: the U-Turn.

The U Turn happens when it all just gets too good, too wonderful. The alcoholic has achieved sobriety and now makes a breakthrough in a love relationship. Someone with a great deal of anxiety starts to feel serenity and now has a great deal of peaceful free time because they are not spinning their wheels, but now they don’t know how to live life without the anxiety or fear. Decades ago I named this the threshold of moving from the discovery part of one’s path, when you are waking up to all of your dysfunction, how you lied to yourself, sabotaged and hurt yourself, to the RECOVERY part of one’s path, when your life starts to be amazing. You make different choices, you FEEL different even though nothing external has changed. Recovery is terrifying because it is completely new territory. You have never been there before. You have no skills because you have never been like this before; you have never before experienced Life as a healthy, centered being. Your faith in a Higher Power is a about the only stable thing in your life at this time and if your faith is weak even that will feel shaky. 

The U-Turn typically starts with some amazing session where one “turns a corner”. This usually occurs after close to a year of work. The Teacher/Healer/12-Step Sponsor will get an email, journal entry, sometimes even (gasp) a phone call that goes something like this:

So much has happened since the session I did with you.  The first couple of weeks felt a bit overwhelming just trying to integrate this new me into my everyday life. Most of what I’m experiencing, I couldn’t really explain or put into words.  I’m noticing more connection during the day.  I’m also having fun noticing myself out in public and around other people.  I feel way less self-conscious.  It’s such an amazing feeling to not have to carry that burden everywhere I go.  I am feeling “energy” more and I have been having amazing dreams, some seem to be about past lives. My son and spouse have both noticed me being “different” and they too love the changes. Even my cat is spending more time in my energy field. I’m so grateful for all of it.  I have finally gotten to a place of greater honesty and that has been a true gift as I now am so much more mindful of my behaviors and catch myself more when I am spinning lies to myself, feeding my ego. I feel like I’m ready to be more open with you and I am stronger now to face my life, my future with greater authenticity.  Thank you. I feel so very fortunate to have you as my Teacher.  I feel I’ve come a new place of contentment and serenity in my life, and am not so much in a rush to be" doing something” as a way to avoid uncomfortable feelings of anxiety or fear, or shame.

And then the person disappears (ah, ghosting again), stops every practice, relationship, teachings, and communications that lead to this enormous breakthrough.  Sometimes the person declares they have “grown beyond” or “advanced past” the Teacher and/or Practices that just a week ago brought them to this amazing transformation or awakening.  Fear of the unknown that can be overwhelming when one has made a giant leap forward can cause the ego to retaliate and seek to once again gain control of your life.  The U-Turn person will take on “new” practices, and will seek out and start “hanging with” a group of people that will be in agreement with everything the his/her ego wants and needs to hear, or hanging with really dysfunctional or even corrupt people as a way to prop up the old self (and ego desires) because the person cannot handle the insecurity, the new feelings of Recovery.  There is also the fear of intimacy, the intimacy of trusting those that helped you arrive at this threshold, those who showed you the door to freedom: your Teacher, or Sponsor, or Healer, or therapist. While some seekers can walk through this door of intimacy with Self and with a human that helped them and proceed with profound gratitude, some walk through this door and panic and turn and run back,  as well as run over the very people that were their Guides in the process.  Therapists are trained to expect and handle this. Sponsors learn this through experience and have learned it from their own experience of recovery. New-age people, most do not know this as many new age people have gone into new-age practices to create as world for themselves that will provide them with a stream of  external validations via adoration, complements and being the center of attention in groups. Other new agers seek out their career (often referred to as a “gift”) to avoid uncomfortable feelings, an uncomfortable or ugly past, shame, and other “unspeakable” (in the new age) feelings or memories.  When the new age industry gets balanced out, it will no longer be a billion dollar industry, it will become what it was meant to be, a way for people to practice and achieve balance and incorporating Spirit without being considered a weirdo.

After making a U-Turn, if you are willing to see that you have done so, now comes another pivotal moment. Will you be able to admit what happened, to yourself, to others, to your Teacher and more importantly will you able to change course and reverse the U-Turn making it a bump in the road rather than a mountain and valley now in your Life Path. This will take not only honesty, but a willingness to be humble.  Being humble also is a main ingredient of intimacy. Intimacy with friends, family, Teachers, and especially with your Self and Spirit requires honestly and being humble. Being humble is not the same is feeling humiliated, however if you are a shame based person you will not be able to tell the difference. You will associate humble with humiliation until you learn the difference after relieving yourself of the shame you keep inside.  (If you haven’t read: Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw, you might want to consider reading that classic book on toxic shame.)

In the meantime, your Teacher, Sponsor, friends, lovers, some will wait for you, some will not. You might have to make amends years (or decades) later.  No matter what happens you will learn and that is why we are here on Earth, to learn, to love, to love the learning.

Journey On.