Selfless Giving

Selfless Giving

People give for many reasons, often the reasons are not balanced or healthy however, it sure “looks good” in the public eye to be a “giver.” People give as a way of control. They offer to do things for others or for organizations as this puts them “in the middle” of what is happening and forces others to come to them for advice, or to check in with procedures etc. It makes them feel important and gives them a (false) purpose in life. It also can be a way for people to have something to talk about (gossip really) by inserting themselves into what they imagine as the “inner circle” of some other person’s or organization’s business. Many people create an identity for themselves by “being close” to someone they have decided is important, or amazing. In the music industry this used to be called being a groupie.  In that industry, sex was usually involved, but this also happens in the “guru” industry as well where people have sex with a guru as a way to insinuate themselves into some imagined “inner circle” and to feel important, wanted, needed, chosen, special, more “evolved” than others, etc.  

A special feature of controlling giving is a person does not have to acknowledge any of the unhealthy even sinister dynamics as the image projected is that of looking “good” by being helpful. And those receiving the “help” usually will not analyze, challenge, or turn down volunteer help until it does get too controlling or inappropriate in other ways. When the unhealthy giving gets out of control, which always happens with unhealthy giving,  if one cannot ease out of that “relationship”  there definitely will ensue some kind of dramatic blow-up as one attempts to redefine or end the relationship . In addition to control unhealthy giving is used to fill the vacuum of low self-esteem. Creating yourself as someone important, perhaps even essential to an organization or another person can give one a reassuring false identity to soothe one’s empty or wounded insides. In this case, the “helpful giver” will choose someone with prestige and some kind of following or position of power (at least in his/her eyes) in order to create an identity of self;  “I must be good, or intelligent, or special, or  amazing (or add any other quality) because I’m with “her/ him.”  You can see marriages or partnerships based on this wounded way of relating to another.

Unhealthy giving is a kind of emotional “banking.”  People giving from neediness use their acts as a kind of “deposit” with the hope (usually unconscious) that it will be paid back when needed. The secret deal is, “If I give to you now, you will give to me in the future when I need it.”  Underneath that is also a kind of control. One can use the “all I’ve done for you” as a way to bring unspoken pressure to bear on another who may not be as considerate as one wishes.  Unhealthy giving occurs when one is sure they are not loveable and will only be loveable if they can prove their value to another by giving, as proof of value. “How can you leave me after all I have done for you!?”

What is healthy giving, selfless giving? A common example I use is having a vegetable garden. If you have ever had a vegetable garden you know you always have way too many vegetables at harvest time, three hundred tomatoes, seventeen plants with cucumbers etc. You beg people to take the excess; you throw vegetables at friends, give it to the homeless, and still have enough to throw away enough to feed the ants, birds and others. Giving from abundance is selfless, healthy giving with no “self” involved. You just have so much you don’t care if people take it or not, there is just too much for just you. If you are caring well for yourself (as if you are the vegetable garden), you will  have abundance.  You have an abundance of time, energy, love, humor, ideas, fun etc. And because you have way too much for your body or energy field to contain, you emanate it all, and give the excess to any who want it without thought of getting anything back be it self-esteem, a complement, a thank you, a sense of importance or of being needed etc. If you give food to a stray dog and that dog snatches it and runs, or bites you to get you to drop it then takes it and runs, you would not spend weeks analyzing it, gossiping about it, repairing wounded self-image etc. Nor would you try to kick that dog the next time you see it. If the dog reacted “badly” you would have compassion and probably still try to feed it again. If the dog licks your hand and wags its tail you will be happy but it would not define your life, who you are, nor would you try to have the dog move in or be your best friend etc. It would simply be a moment. You had an abundance to give, and you gave it. End of story. The act of giving is in and of itself fun, rewarding, interesting etc. and that is it, existential. And you will continue to do it until, well you don’t. You do not feed the dog to make yourself feel better. You do not feel the dog owes you. You do not feed the dog to “get a reaction” or to make the dog “yours” or to prove you are the dog whisperer. You do not spend days or weeks analyzing the dog’s reaction and what that says about the dog, or about you and your energy and your value in life etc. Well, let’s add, if you actually do that, you are in a bit of trouble lol.

Selfless giving comes from abundance and you have no concern about a person’s reaction to your giving. If they love you for it, or appreciate it, it is the gift they are reacting to, not you! If they shut you down, don’t appreciate you (the way you think they should….says your ego) it says nothing about you (unless your ego once again makes it all about you). Either way, you give because you have too much!  And it is fun to give whether throwing the vegetables on the ground for the ants or giving to a homeless person. It is one and the same……except of course your ego will tell you one is “much better” than the other, makes you a “good” person, etc etc etc., ego, ego, ego.

If you find yourself reacting to the other person’s reaction to your “giving” you had better look inside and dig deep to discover why you gave in the first place. I guarantee it was not selfless. This includes if you start getting all puffed up (ego) because someone thanks you, hugs you, tells you are amazing for “giving “ to them as well as if you go off in a sulk because a person you “gave “ to reacts in a way you  have decided (ego) is not the right way. Selfless giving from abundance means you give and you feel happy no matter what the reaction of the other. A “happy” reaction is as good as a snappy reaction. The joy is in the giving, not milking it for reaction. If you decide to keep giving even if the dog (or a person) does not react in a way you like or want, that means you are giving because it is fun for you to keep your integrity, or that you still like giving (whatever it is you committed to) and don’t care if you are put on a pedestal, or appreciated etc., that too is healthy, selfless giving.

This is hard material to look at. Many people have spent decades building up a false (to themselves) self-image of themselves as “the giver.” If this is you, beginning to unwind this will leave you (and your ego) with a gaping hole for a while. “If I am not this giving person who always does for others, who am I?”  It will take time (and the willingness to be humble) to re-discover who you are once you take away the prop you have used for so long to bolster your wounded self-esteem or to give you a (false) sense of purpose in your life. And you will have to re-learn how to give without the control and ego gratification issues.  Need some help with this? Consider intensive studies with Dr. Marie.

Journey On.