Dark Knight of the Penis

Dark Knight of the Penis

I hope this narrative helps others. By sharing our experiences, strength and  hope, we help each other to become braver....brave enough to grow. Growing almost always means leaving something behind, giving up old bad behaviors and thought patterns.  While growth ultimately brings us a better quality of life, there is some sadness and loneliness when you step into new territory, sometimes all by yourself, until you find some new friends.

I have heard stories of male gurus, teachers, etc. sleeping with women under their care. Not all, but many. And to be fair, there are stories these days of women doing the same with young men, and same sex stories as well. The bigger topic here is a look at the ethics of being a helper person, and how to be on the receiving end of help or support, while paying attention to red flags and boundaries.  When do we set boundaries?  One does not want to be too paranoid, however waiting too long might give the one the wrong message, like… " your behavior is okay."  We want the help and sometimes the price we are asked to pay is not so clear. So we explore the intricacies, the dance, of an aspect of a helping relationship through the narrative below.

She had been raised by a strong mother; taught to trust the power of women more so then men and worked hard to undo those teachings, to open the door to nurturing male energy: Dad, big brother, soldier, hunter, gatherer, best friend with a different way of looking at the world. That wonderful male mind and male energy.  At one point of her life, a parade of men started showing up at crucial times when she needed healing.  These encounters morphed into a dreaded “patterns.” These were no longer a series of events to be ignored as not related, or relevant. These were no simple fences to jump over or go around. No this was a pattern. Repetitious, similar, and definitely relevant, showing her an area of growth (darn it).  Some fellow light workers used to call this a “healing opportunity,” nicked named  a “ho ho ” because the Santa Claus like Spirit Guides were definitely having a good laugh watching her fumble blindly through another lesson like “dumb and dumber.” 

In the early days of this emerging pattern, she convinced herself that she was just irresistible. A man would offer to help her, and then could not help himself, rather he did help himself….. to her.  “Ah ,” she thought, “I let them close and they cannot help but be attracted.”  And some sex was a small price to pay for that complement, not to mention the bit of help and attention she received from someone in a time of need.  Amazing what stories the mind can tell us (love the movie “He’s just not that into you “!)­. These were the stories she told herself, pre-pattern epiphany.

As the years progressed, and she slowly (very slowly) learned about boundaries….. and men, she realized that: 1) sex was not a fair or good payment for being nurtured, especially by a stranger or a married man  2) sex did not equal caring or nurturing  3) the majority of men will have sex with any woman, at any time and it is their job to try and get some  4) there is a certain kind of man who marries a self-sufficient woman to guarantee a good lifestyle at home (where they don’t have to pay all—or  sometimes any—of the bills ) and this man looks for opportunities to feel like a knight outside of his marriage, finally crowned as a Dark Knight of the Penis

The Dark Knight needs to feel like a knight (as most men do -- as women need to feel like a goddess) however for some reason not yet understood, they cannot get their knight energy up for their wives. They have lost the talent of being the knight at home. Or perhaps, as Dr. Laura has pointed out for years, they are not getting the correct knight payment-- of sex! from their goddess wife. Men need sex like women need cuddling and conversation.  So the Dark Knight is the perfect husband …. and the perfect knight but the latter is saved for the unknown woman he seeks out to help and save.  Until the adventure progresses, or concludes when the knight goes home to the castle, and his bill-paying wife (or girlfriend/lover).

It starts off with a blazing to-the-rescue entrance of some sort. A woman is in trouble—legally, emotionally – but usually not financially, unless she is an incredible knock out. The Dark Knight’s radar finds her. Dark Knights can be found answering a random phone call to someone else, or can find you on Facebook in troubled times. Of course new-ager's will take that dysfunctional radar as a "sign" from Spirit and hop on board the train. We are Saved !  Spirit sent me someone, answering my prayers. Whew. (ho ho, ho ho, ho ho).  The adventure begins.

In the beginning it is all amazing. There are hours of phone and talk time—he talks like a woman, forever, about feelings and understandings, and sharings, in a deep rumbling voice. This is sometimes referred to as “love bombing.”  She is saved. He always knows when to call, he calls to say goodnight, his voice tucking her safely under the covers of his promises that all will work out and he will never leave her side (figuratively speaking of course).  She can breathe now, she can sleep, safe beneath the loving watch of the knight, not yet the Dark Knight of the Penis.  This time is different, she tells herself (until a pattern becomes undeniably clear.)  He is happily married, he lives in another country. He really IS her friend and there is no danger of inappropriate sexuality encroaching upon the offer of help and friendship.

Slowly, ever so slowly, and under the guise of platonic love and caring for her, presents start to arrive. It does not matter that his idea of what she likes, or what has any meaning for her is way off the mark. He is not really sending her presents, he is sending them to some woman he has in his head. No matter, her brain says “He took the time to buy me something and send it.”  Sigh, heart flutter, fantasy fill in the blanks thinking. She did not yet realize he was buying the woman in his head those gifts and.... he was starting to have sex with her—the woman in his head who answers his real life phone calls.  Presents arrive. Nothing that is in any way relevant to who she is. Tight tee-shirts, sexy shorts and bathing suits enter into the inventory along with requests to send him pictures of her wearing them. Hmmm.  There is a flutter in her fluttering brain, that something is not quite right—but no matter she tells herself—he is a knight ! He listens to all of her conversations and helps her think through how to solve problems. He tells her how amazing and special she is.

She conveniently forgets his wife is the bread winner and that the Prowling Penis is spending his wife’s money (or even his) on her rather than his wife and children. This often is a constant with the Dark Knights -- to use their wife’s money to fund their hero ventures.  She notices how he spends his limited and valued family time on this penis courtship foray thinking that if she was the wife would she be okay with that…. Really?  She asks herself is she is so lonely as to accept or pretend to accept that the real her is being appreciated when she receives attention from a man who has no idea what she would wear and who never bothered to ask (because that would make her a  real person, rather than his internal fantasy of who she is)?

Still acting as the "helper," counselor, or friend, the sexual overtones of the conversations grow. Stories of being multi-orgasmic or insatiable begin to be the topic of his sharings. And the complements grow—“Your voice makes me quiver” he says as he pictures his someone (the one in his head, not her, that's for sure) in his presents of short-shorts and bathing suits. "Those long legs of yours…….." and on it goes and grows.  One day he says something like, “When you told me about your date (with an in-person man), I actually got jealous !”  According to the manual she was supposed to swoon that he, her married phone penis friend, wanted her. Of course he was actually still talking to the imaginary porn imaged woman in his head. And his supposed jealousy said to her while every night he crawled into the arms of his wife.  Her tumor riddled addled mind somehow managed to make all of this logical…..still. To shake it off.

In the past, when the Knight was local, this kind of behavior turned into a stolen kiss, a touch of the breast or leg, and then finally a great deal of pressure to jump into bed with the Knight, now Dark Knight of the Penis. And here is the kicker……when she turns him down, no matter how gently or apologetically, she becomes the bitch and will hear such things as......"After all I have done for you, all the attention I have given you” !?   After numerous “no’s” – always polite-- this can escalate into an all-out psychological attack where she is told “You are crazy and no wonder you needed help… or get in bad situations”….etc. The Dark Knight has just taken out his sword (yes the analogy is there) to chop off her head and destroy her psyche and counter  all the work he invested to build her up in both his and her mind.  http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/love-bombing-a-seductive-manipulative-technique/.  While this is certainly the description of narcissistic behavior, this does not neatly fit into that category making the situation so much more complex and complicated.  Intentions were good, behaviors were bad.... in some cases, not all. This Dark Knight had over two decades of recovery work (12 step) under his belt and was licensed as a counselor-- educated in the ethics of being a counselor especially regarding sexual overtones. How to set boundaries? When are the lines crossed?

This time was different…perhaps this was the last class in a series of “ho ho” classes…perhaps she was finally learning.  She could not afford to make him mad. She still needed him. This Dark Knight lived oceans away so at least there was no real threat of having to have sex.  However, he and his wife came to visit and he found an opportunity to give her a squeeze and say “I still have the idea, it should have been you that married me” while his wife wasn’t looking. Pure porn that move; sneaking a feel right there in front of his wife. Ah …the thrill.  And …sigh…the disgust on her end. What can she say ? His lovely wife, recently recovered from cancer and his gorgeous 10 year old daughter are right there. It is a kind of rape….with a psychotic psychological edge to it.  The Dark Knight knows you would never anything right then and there, that would hurt his wife. Of course, he is the one hurting his wife…  but that is not his thought at the time.

One day her worst nightmare occurred—her knight became extremely mad at her.... over a very frivolous issue-- Facebook (go figure).  She had been trying to avoid any anger so she could keep receiving his attentions as her knight. She was never going to bring up the psycho sexual molestation that she was experiencing from him. She had no idea she could bring it up and could not see it accomplishing anything other than being called crazy, abusive and then losing contact with the Dark Knight of the Penis and her knight (as they are both in one body).  Up until this moment when he went into a rage, she hadn’t known she was trying to avoid making him angry.  That she was in fear of that and had compromised her Self to keep the Dark Knight of the Penis happy and in her life. What a light-bulb moment !  Sad, but true.  With him already mad, she now had nothing to lose. He was already mad and her skin had been crawling since the squeeze when he and his family were here……so with him already raging, she found the freedom to say something. And this is when it became Theater of the Absurd--- or was it Theater of the Grotesque.

She told him she felt he had been inappropriately sexualizing the friendship. He had been acting as her friend with a purpose: to be a helper/counselor (and in fact was a licensed counselor and 12-step Sponsor).  He had definitely emotionally rescued her—something they were both conscious of and had discussed numerous times.  Theirs was not an equal friendship—it was a helping relationship, something they had both acknowledged. His calm response to her sharing her perspective of her experience with his sexualizing was something like “It's not true" .....meaning her own experience was not true for him, therefore was not true at all.  He also inferred,  "You are crazy, but I will apologize.”  Being a veteran of adventures with other Dark Knight of the Penis encounters, she responded with something like, “Well then good ! I am glad I was mistaken in my interpretation."  She said this to be diplomatic and to see where the discussion would go). "Since you are comfortable with your behavior and actions, I want to get your wife involved with buying me more shorts and bathing suits.”  She had to admire the cool and calm response of the Dark Knight. Without missing a beat he said: “Well” he said, “I don’t think right now is a good time for that as her self-esteem is a bit fragile after the battle with cancer.”  Damn, he was that good under fire!  She thought for a minute….it seemed to her that the women cancer survivors she had met had amazing self-esteem—they just won a battle for life!  The conversation continued to weave in and out of reality as she pressed to hear the Dark Knight admit the truth about his Campaign of the Penis.  But he never did. So she persisted. She told him she would be having a conversation with his wife about their various conversations, requests for pictures, clothing bought etc. Hiroshima/Nagasaki erupted. He forbid her. She had nothing to lose at this point. She had burst the fantasy bubble he had created about his relationship (or lack of) with her,  and things would never be the same. Pressing on, she reminded him that since she had met his wife, she now had a relationship with her and could talk to her about anything she choose. 

Of course she never did. Months later, he admitted to the inappropriateness of many of his conversations and actions with her. Their relationship was never the same and she didn’t know if it would ever thrive again. Time will tell. Their phone calls have diminished, as has her importance in his life. Conversations have gone flat and it often feels as if the relationship is now an obligation rather than a joy. It is a loss in one way, a gain in another.  There are no easy answers here. When they first met, she was depressed and in no position or condition to be responsible for even considering the issue of boundaries. This is why mental health and health professionals are taught ethics in their training… to at least try and prevent those in helping professions from taking advantage of people in distress who come to them for help.   When one sets boundaries, there is always the possibility of the other person leaving the relationship in retaliation or humiliation. While she was no longer in dire need of his help, for a long time she was still not strong enough to risk losing the entire package.  And there was a guilt that she remembered boundaries… too late; afraid that she was to blame for not being able to be brave enough to set boundaries sooner. People cannot always get it together to set boundaries, boundaries are always a work in progress.  And while we hope that people are comfortable with negotiating boundaries, realistically most are not. Many feel ashamed or blamed when a simple boundary is requested and others rage because of their own suppressed shame.  It is easy to see why so many people allow boundary violation rather than walk the maze of mature boundary health.  

For now one can only hope that people seeking or accepting help from gurus, shamans, counselors, or friends listen to their radar and risk setting boundaries if conversations and behaviors get too uncomfortable. In fact the same is true for friendships, marriages, family relations etc. It is not easy to have enough self-esteem to set boundaries to honor and protect yourself…..however hopefully you will consider the price you will have pay if you cave in to the inappropriate intrusions of others … even if they mean well… and especially if they don’t.  But it is all worth it.

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