Leaving.... the dangers of transference
Studying with a Teacher. In the West people often "personalize" their
Teacher. They want or need to be "friends" with their Teacher. Friendly
is good, friend, not so much. Friends work hard to make each other feel
good. Teachers, good ones, out of love and commitment to the expansion
and growth of their students are willing to travel a rocky path to help a student move through an area in one's life that is blocked (addiction, obsession, incest, narcissism,denial, fears, old wounds, etc). This is especially true if we are
discussing a Spiritual Teacher. Spiritual growth often requires that
one must crack open an old wound or a untie a knot .... and that can be a
"this doesn't feel good" moment. Students who try to make friends with their Teacher, expecting to trade a Teacher for a feel good friend,
can suddenly feel betrayed when their "friend" stays true to his/her Guided role as a Spiritual Teacher. Sadly this is when one typically leaves Spiritual work and angrily walks away from a Teacher .....because the ego wanted a friend only. Friends are friends, and Teachers are teachers. Few, very few,
can handle allowing a Teacher to be a friend then change hats and accept
a challenging moment from their friend now acting as Teacher. My
suggestion, don't try.... especially if you have found a great Teacher
as they are few and far between.....at least that is my experience on
Earth.
Transference (via Wikipedia) is a term typically used in training therapists. "Transference is a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. One definition of transference is "the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person's childhood". In therapy, the therapist often becomes the symbolic proxy of any person that represents any unresolved painful relationship from a client's past. Transference does not just happen in therapy, it also happens in life and tends to occur when one is working with a Spiritual Teacher. Deep Spiritual work is a journey to one's inner world, full of vulnerabilities. When, unknown to you, your Teacher unconsciously becomes your mom, dad, sibling, ex-lover etc etc, you can find yourself in maze of hurt and confusion if you made the mistake of thinking your Teacher is just your friend.
Teachers (good ones) understand transference. They know to ride the waves of misdirected emotions that come from students in times of change or challenge and not take the emotional blow back personally. Good Teachers do not run away from students in the throws of transference, nor do they "punish" the students emotionally with inappropriate responses over reactions. The Teacher must be like a tree; rooted, there for the person, not leaving, not reacting. The Teacher holds a Sacred Space for the person as they emerge from storm and remains available in a loving and accepting fashion for the student once s/he has worked through emotions/issues that were stirred up as the student progresses in his/her development.
How do you know if your Teacher is good for you ? Teachers are not here just to make you feel good when you are with them..... although that is best for business and making money. The New Age/Motivational/Feel Good industries are booming right now. They are for some the new drug of choice and people go back again and again to get their hit of feeling good....... at least for a while. Before you leave a Teacher move slowly and carefully unless there has been some clear breach of ethics or integrity (such as a sexual advance). If you have the urge to run, that can be a red flag of avoidance rather than your intuition guiding your. Check inside with yourself and make sure you are not running from issues or that your uncomfortable feelings are not transference issues stirred up by the Path.
When working with a Spiritual Teacher I suggest you examine how your life is changing, not how you "feel" in classes or private sessions. Like a doctor lancing a wound, Spiritual work often includes some surgery and stitches. Are you feeling stronger ? Is your center, your core energy, more available to you throughout the day? Is your intuition blossoming? Do you feel more clarity in the Guidance you receive from Spirit? Are you handling situations with greater guidance and confidence? Do you notice your character defects sooner so you can make conscious choices that will take you down a different path? Is your behavior towards your self and others changing for the better ? Sometimes you do not feel good with your Teacher however when you carefully examine your life you see, without a doubt, you are evolving and growing into a stronger person. You notice you are able to live more in serenity even as you face your Life Path challenges. If you see the growth, these are positive signposts. A good Teacher does not present as if s/he has all the answers for you but rather asks the right questions to encourage you to find your own connection with Spirit and your Guides. A good Teacher helps you to stand on your own.
Namaste.
Transference (via Wikipedia) is a term typically used in training therapists. "Transference is a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. One definition of transference is "the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person's childhood". In therapy, the therapist often becomes the symbolic proxy of any person that represents any unresolved painful relationship from a client's past. Transference does not just happen in therapy, it also happens in life and tends to occur when one is working with a Spiritual Teacher. Deep Spiritual work is a journey to one's inner world, full of vulnerabilities. When, unknown to you, your Teacher unconsciously becomes your mom, dad, sibling, ex-lover etc etc, you can find yourself in maze of hurt and confusion if you made the mistake of thinking your Teacher is just your friend.
Teachers (good ones) understand transference. They know to ride the waves of misdirected emotions that come from students in times of change or challenge and not take the emotional blow back personally. Good Teachers do not run away from students in the throws of transference, nor do they "punish" the students emotionally with inappropriate responses over reactions. The Teacher must be like a tree; rooted, there for the person, not leaving, not reacting. The Teacher holds a Sacred Space for the person as they emerge from storm and remains available in a loving and accepting fashion for the student once s/he has worked through emotions/issues that were stirred up as the student progresses in his/her development.
How do you know if your Teacher is good for you ? Teachers are not here just to make you feel good when you are with them..... although that is best for business and making money. The New Age/Motivational/Feel Good industries are booming right now. They are for some the new drug of choice and people go back again and again to get their hit of feeling good....... at least for a while. Before you leave a Teacher move slowly and carefully unless there has been some clear breach of ethics or integrity (such as a sexual advance). If you have the urge to run, that can be a red flag of avoidance rather than your intuition guiding your. Check inside with yourself and make sure you are not running from issues or that your uncomfortable feelings are not transference issues stirred up by the Path.
When working with a Spiritual Teacher I suggest you examine how your life is changing, not how you "feel" in classes or private sessions. Like a doctor lancing a wound, Spiritual work often includes some surgery and stitches. Are you feeling stronger ? Is your center, your core energy, more available to you throughout the day? Is your intuition blossoming? Do you feel more clarity in the Guidance you receive from Spirit? Are you handling situations with greater guidance and confidence? Do you notice your character defects sooner so you can make conscious choices that will take you down a different path? Is your behavior towards your self and others changing for the better ? Sometimes you do not feel good with your Teacher however when you carefully examine your life you see, without a doubt, you are evolving and growing into a stronger person. You notice you are able to live more in serenity even as you face your Life Path challenges. If you see the growth, these are positive signposts. A good Teacher does not present as if s/he has all the answers for you but rather asks the right questions to encourage you to find your own connection with Spirit and your Guides. A good Teacher helps you to stand on your own.
Namaste.
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