Emotional Labor

Emotional Labor

People want help but at the same time they are terrified of change. Their hurt ways “work” and the pain is familiar.  It is so familiar, they are no longer even conscious that their hurt ways that work, are still choices. And choices can change.  Hurt people have learned to protect themselves at all costs. This means manipulation instead of directness, hiding until all is determined to be “safe”, blaming to avoid being punished, never making a decision because it might be the “wrong” one so you are always looking for “clues” so you can guess at how you think you are “supposed” to act and kill before you are killed, again. It is a whole system that has taken years, decades, to construct and perfect. You might have even found someone to marry that works within your system meant to keep you “safe”. When you seek help, a therapist, a Teacher, a healer, you will also be searching for someone to keep you safe validate your reality because that is all you can currently tolerate and who will hopefully give you some magical “thing” to do, or think or say that will “make you all better” with no effort on your part other than you paid him/her some money. This search and “routine” can satisfy you for decades as you add to your list of people who “cannot help you” and therefore continue to justify and validate your “stuckness”. Other hurt people seek help from people who will only say things that you already know or agree with as a way to seek validation that what you are currently doing is already the “right thing” and because your helper person keeps validating your reality (because that is all you can currently tolerate) you will also not step out of your current (stuck) comfort zone. You seek help only to get your ego stroked with validation because you built a house of cards filled with narrations about yourself that kept you alive for years, decades. And so much of modern psychology since the advent of the  “self-esteem” movement in the 60’s and 70’s will stay in these patterns of “validation” with little or no skills in being able to help people take risks, face challenges, or be able to even tolerate hearing ideas that might challenge or vary from your current reality and comfort zone. The walking wounded are both fragile and ferocious.

Many helper people, especially those without good training or mentorship will spend decades bolstering your self-esteem, staying within acceptable paradigms of a wounded person’s reality. New age people are “mentored” by their invisible guides that also perpetuate their current comfort zone with little to no challenge by speaking only to the current paradigm that the person can tolerate. The Eastern Traditions take a different path.  Teachers create problems for their students to solve. That creates challenge with the support and confidence of the Teacher and requires the students to find themselves a way to stand up, like a baby horse must do, or a baby bird that must leave the nest. Mom is there, but you have to do the work, take the risk and solve the problems.  Westerners are typically easily manipulated into doing the emotional labor for their students and clients.

People read books about Spiritual Paths but even then their mind filters out the information on taking risks and only seem to remember or latch onto the mechanical exercises or artificially changing their language without any effort to feel feelings or change their behavior with is the real work that is meant to be done; not changing your presentation. When you are stuck, you are really stuck. What to do?  Aside from being blessed or lucky enough to find a True Teacher (Sat Guru) you can look at some of the signs that will indicate you are actually involved in your own growth, your own emotional, psychic, spiritual labor. You should feel uncomfortable and a little bit or quite a bit lost often described as groundlessness.  You should feel scared, but scared like you might feel before taking a run down the ski slope meaning there is some excitement or anticipation or a tickle inside of you that you know this is “good “ scared not dysfunctional risk taking. Of course if you are shut down emotionally this will be virtually impossible for you to do or distinguish.  You can instead look to see, and also document and track that you are actually “doing”, trying out new behaviors. This is good for people who are shut down and committed to not feeling their feelings. If you are lucky enough to be working with someone you might notice or catch yourself wanting to convince your helper person of “stories” that you are “doing the best you can”, or that you are “stupid” or incompetent but even here you might bullshit yourself.

A sample example put together from numerous experiences: I had a person doing a weekly journal report. The reports were incoherent. We went through huge discussions of perhaps s/he had a learning disability etc. and finally, weeks later, s/he mentioned s/he was writing these long thoughtful heartfelt essays on a mobile phone, while sitting in the living room, trying to hide this from his/her spouse. S/he had a big house and could have been in any other room, and as soon as s/he told his/her spouse that s/he needed an electronic device to write the spouse bought him/her one immediately. The spouse pays all the bills and is extremely generous supplying him/her with whatever toys s/he want, but the story is that s/he is “forced” to work to help with income. Later, years later, s/he “admitted” that they survive just fine when s/he doesn’t work, which is often. So weeks were spent cultivating sympathy, stuckness, and creating all these stories that tried to earn sympathy and attention while not doing any new work; just the old acceptable and familiar work of profound manipulation and story-telling (and actual lying) to me,  and possibly to him/herself. And so it went with every effort to heal. Stories, deflection, no follow through all the while paying for “help”, all to maintain his/her current paradigm, being “stuck” and being un-helpable.  All of this effort to validate again and again that s/he was beyond help, with the pleasant by product was that s/he was able to add me to his/her list of incompetent “failed teachers”. It made (makes) you “special” when no one can help you. This can  (and does) go on for years. I could, sadly, add so many similar stories here. People using “lack of money” for not healing that when asked to do an accounting, an inventory, on money they have to face the facts that they do indeed have the money  but simply spend it elsewhere, which is fine, but then don’t lie about it, at least not to yourself.  I had one student that finally inventoried her spending and had to “admit” that she had spent over $10,000 on new age toys, crystals, oils, pyramids etc. in one year all the while begging to “barter” with me  or fighting over every dime she thought she might have to spend on my help that she swore she needed and wanted. After finally facing the facts through doing an inventory, she stopped talking to me and set herself up as a teacher on a website and claimed that she had studied with me! I could write pages on students/clients that come only to lie, tell stories, manipulate, and then complain or cry because their life and life circumstances are so miserable and they desperately need help.  Some will spend a fortune doing this, so they can be “right”, for decades. Many years ago I even had a boyfriend who slept around. He then drove over 4 hours round trip and paid a therapist/psychic over $400 to spend a session to convince her (so he thought) he was not a cheat. He later told me he did this. Wow. All that work just to get attention, from a stranger, and to win a manipulation of “presenting”. Don’t feel bad. This unfortunately is “normal” for the majority of society right now.

What people don’t seem to realize is that they are already doing an enormous amount of emotional labor and spending a great deal of money, time and effort on staying stuck. They work hard to construct stories or narratives. They work hard to be or stay the victim or to stay stuck.  They work hard to dodge, lie, present, manipulate. And many “healers”, teachers, therapists etc. are willing to earn a living or are forced to earn a living by complying with the system. I have had colleagues and friends that quit being counselors or healers rather than comply with this system of corruption that enables people to stay stuck. I myself never got licensed for this very reason. The system is broken. As a professor we had to “win” high ratings. Professors would end up giving no homework, doing homework in class and actually doing the homework for students, and would bring in food, all to win high ratings. Our educational system is producing students that learn to manipulate rather than learning how to learn, learning how to create challenges for one’s self, learn how to start new behaviors, stop the old narratives and feel the groundlessness it takes to learn or become a new person. Almost every “student” that wants to study or work with me or heal complains about money and time yet they will not do an inventory to really face the facts of where and what they are spending their money and time on instead of healing or growing. So their work with me takes decades instead of years but usually these are the people that leave the moment they have a breakthrough because a breakthrough ruins their narrative. This is not just with me, this is with so many therapists and healers and even with my own Teacher. We have had discussions about this. The ability to be honest with the Self is a lost skill right now in this era. And just because you are a psychic, does not slow down the stories which I find amazing. But being psychic, still does not give you the right to “force” the truth, and even if you wanted to, there is no proof and the person will change their story immediately. It is like a psychic telling someone their lover is cheating. With no evidence, if you go to the cheater, they will deny it all and then change their tactics in order to keep cheating and not get caught. This is what people do to keep their stories. All this work and effort, to stay stuck, to be “right”, to “win”.

This is not meant to discourage you but to illustrate that when you are stuck, when you are committed to being stuck, you just might win. No one can force you to try out new behaviors. If you think you are stuck try this:  no longer do anything that you used to do. If you are silent, talk, if you argue, listen, if you run away, stay, if you always stay, leave or take a break. Be willing to learn via trial and error without knowing what to do, only knowing what not to do, your same old behaviors. This will build up your tolerance for learning by mistakes and soften your ego commitment to always having to be right. You will learn to take risks. You will learn to “be wrong” and not have it be a big deal. You will build up the strength to “not know” an try it anyways. See if you can start to hear all the stories you tell yourself, and tell others about yourself, and see if at the very least you can stop doing that. Try saying more “I don’t know” and “Let me think about that”….but mean it. Don’t do this because it is a cool new way to present. You might make it with help. But you will definitely make it through life. Life is the ultimate teacher. Working with a Spiritual Teacher is a blessing, not available to most. Should you work with a Teacher or a healer or clairvoyant/psychic, first ask yourself how committed you are to your stories, to being “right” about your stories. How much do you value your “presentation” as a mild mannered Buddhist or cool healer or psychic that you will spend your time presenting instead of healing and learning?  Can you be honest? Can you listen? Can you be willing to feel uncomfortable and be willing to consider things you have never thought of before without feeling attacked or that your ego is being damaged?  Do you want to save your own life or convince someone you think is “special” or “powerful” that you too are special and powerful? Are you willing to spend the money which might mean giving up your pyramids, trips, clothes, new car, crystals etc.? Are you willing to invest in You? Because no one else can do it for you.

Take an inventory of your money and time spent. Write out the current stories you tell yourself. If you can’t even do this much, you may not be ready. And that too is okay. The point is to be honest.

On the Journey with you.

Dr. Marie