Radical Acceptance: Start where you are

Radical Acceptance" Start where you are

Healing is a process. First one must accept there is a need for healing, that you have uncomfortable or challenging feelings and that you are not okay with staying where you are at right now. You will need to stop denying your feelings, putting on a brave face, spouting toxic positivity, or acting stoic or indifferent. This is the actually the first step of every 12-Step program, “admitted we have a problem” with alcohol, emotions, drugs, food, sex, power, anger etc.  This typically does not happen until you “bottom out” meaning you blow your life up to the point you can no longer deny you have a problem. For some people this might mean going to jail or losing a relationship and/or family, or losing a job. For others it might mean getting caught at some unethical behaviors and feeling (healthy) shame. Everyone’s “bottom” is different; it is personal. And some people need to bottom out numerous times until they can no longer be in denial. This stage is also called “radical acceptance” to quote Dr. Ramani, a great therapist with a wonderful YouTube channel. You face reality and accept all of it whether it is realizing you are an alcoholic or a sex addict, or your spouse is, or you realize you hate yourself or your life. This is also what Pema Chodron also calls “start where you are”.  

Getting to this place of radical acceptance, coming out of denial typically takes emotional venting, expressing despair or hopelessness, lots of self-hate and self-loathing, and often feeling like or presenting as a victim. When coming out of denial there is no balanced picture, no ability to take accountability for your own choices and actions. When working with a therapist or healer in this stage all that they can do is to encourage you to “get it all out”. Your therapist, healer or Teacher has balance siding with you and keeping you a bit balanced as you rail “against the bad guy” even helping you to vilify other people in your life. The person helping you will help you blame, well, everything, your parents, society, life, the universe. Anything to get your emotions and energy flowing after years of being stuck and stuffing your feelings and creating narratives for yourself to help keep you stuck. This is the first stage of healing, finding the hurt, becoming aware of your created narratives and your dysfunctional coping strategies. It is not rational, neutral, or mature. There will be blame, exaggeration, even complete lack of accountability. There will be no discussion of “let’s see it from the other person’s perspective” or this happened because of your childhood. This is a time of raw emotions, tears, rage, despair and more and nothing more can occur until this has run its course. Sometimes this can take a year, sometimes months.

Only after you have surfaced from this stage, truly moved into radical acceptance of what is true for you now in all your circumstances, your choices, and your feelings can you start to examine your role in it all and look at what you learned, and eventually look at the “spiritual” aspects of the situation, the lessons.  You made choices, you accepted certain conditions and behaviors and even though you didn’t know any better, you now get to see and learn how you ignored red flags or tolerated behaviors from others and even yourself in order to get what you want.  You put up with your choices, always, to get what you want. You want peace, you want to appear “spiritual” and “forgiving”, you want to be loved, you want power, you want sex, you want the money offered, you want recognition; the list is endless. What you haven’t learned yet, is to want your Self. What you haven’t learned yet is that you want a better life, you want to be able to make better choices.  Sometimes with radical acceptance comes the responsibility of living with your choices. You are married to a narcissist or alcoholic, have children, have no income, no support system and cannot leave the relationship at this time. Now you have to make new choices on how to live with your current reality until circumstances change and only then might you even have different choices available to you.

Admitting you have a problem or problems, venting your emotions, blaming everyone and everything, is the first stage but you can also get stuck in that stage. After a while it is a very comfortable place to be, everyone “feels bad” for you, comforts you, shares their own stories, and often you will find members of the opposite sex are attracted to you and your shared wounded self. At this stage you are also a target for narcissists who love to take over wounded people and present as a hero so they can win your attention and hero worship and ultimately move into controlling and using you.Sadly, modern talk therapy psychology will help to keep you stuck in this stage and so will new age people as many co-dependents become therapists and (self-proclaimed) healers.  You can stay in this stage, garnering attention and hugs for decade even moving through a few marriages, jobs, and passing on your sad story approach to life to your children. Few therapists/healers have the courage or strength to challenge people to actually step into healing, into recovery, into new behaviors. If you do that, you tend to lose clients and if you are a co-dependent therapist/healer you cannot tolerate the reactions you will have to move through when you challenge people rather than

People sometimes get confused. “Why did you agree with me that s/he was a bad person, or a narcissist or was acting like a narcissist?” and now you are pointing out my own selfish self-centered behaviors? Because you have moved on from stage one of venting, blaming, and being the victim. Now that you have started self-care on your hurts, you are ready for a more mature understanding and it is time to examine what choices you made, how you made them and the consequences of your choices.  This is still only the beginning stage of healing. This is why there are 12 Steps in 12-Step programs, it is a Path and a Practice, not fixing a flat tire. And in fact 12-Step programs and having a Spiritual Path is a lifestyle choice, not a fix-it patch. Just like living a healthy lifestyle is a forever practice that will develop, morph, and evolve over your lifetime, so it is with being emotionally healthy, and Spiritually Evolved. Just as children evolve and grow and obtain new skills so are we children, children of the Universe, of Spirit, of your Higher Power. This means there is no rush. There is no “getting there”. As a lifestyle it is a daily awareness and practice filled with challenges and progress and joy.

Living as an authentic person is the Path of Spirituality. Living as an authentic person is a choice, every day, every moment. Authentic is an energy, there is no role model and no one way to do it as each person is an individual. Books, YouTube, and research will give you an education and tools but not the courage or strength to use them.  Education without action or practice is like growing an organic garden and not eating from it but instead eating fast food, and telling everyone you have an organic garden. You can wow people with your narrative, your story, but it will soon be apparent that you are “presenting” rather than living authentically. Being honest is the skill that you learn and earn in the first stage of healing, admitting you have a problem, uncomfortable feelings, made horrible choices, stepping into the victim/self-blame and blaming others mode. Radical acceptance, if you move too quickly through this stage you will gravitate towards “presenting” rather than the uncomfortable work of healing and growing.  If you move too quickly through this stage you will not develop the courage and strength to now start trying out new behaviors. Your biggest obstacle in moving forward will be your fragile attention seeking ego. Healing and learning means failing and not giving up and for this you must have the strength to be resilient, to believe in your Self and your Higher Power enough to have faith in your Self, your Path and Spirit to trust the process of learning, rather than constantly seeking accolades, complements, and attention.

Depending on what stage you are at choose how to do this work. You might at first need to be with an individual or group that will nurture you, give you complements, affections, and affirmation.  But remember this is a process so don’t get stuck in one stage. Later on you will need to challenge yourself. Work with a group so your desire to ego please some authority figure can be kept in check. Work with a group to discover your how attached you are to “presenting”, looking good, or to discover how much you desire to “seek power” by manipulating the group to win affection or hero worship. Work with an individual who will challenge you, not stroke you, feed your ego, and will not allow hero worship but instead will create the space for you to have the strength accept who you are right now, the good and the bad, to accept your life as it is right now, the good and the bad. Only then can you begin to even consider how to re-invent your Self in your current circumstances. You cannot pray or wait for your circumstances to change first. Your circumstances exist in order for you to change. Most of all, work with Spirit, your Higher Power. Learn to receive energy through silent meditation or study with someone who can create this learning for you so you can master it.

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