Afraid to Live your life

Afraid to live your life

If you grew up in a household that devalued you either through emotional neglect or abuse, or physical or sexual abuse, until you heal you are at the effects of toxic shame. Toxic shame means you feel you, your very being is  “wrong”, defective, broken, beyond redemption, not worth it. Until you heal, and often even after healing because of the permanent scars you live with, you will often seek out ways to be “right”, to live the right way, to do the right thing. This does make you susceptible to cults whose leaders love to tell people the “right” way to live.  You might join the military, or read extensively on Buddhism and try to plaster on those beliefs on top of your rotting corpse in a last ditch attempt to feel better, to feel like you belong somewhere because you certainly did not belong to the hearts of your parents. This does not mean every military person or Buddhist is wounded by the way. This article is meant to speak to those who on a fairly consistent basis feel that they are not enough and are still searching for the “right” way to live, to fill that hole. You will often find these walking wounded in the workshop junkies of the new age and motivational industries that sell hope and the “if you only do this, you will be/feel better” paradigms.

The first step here is to admit how you are feeling even if you think you “shouldn’t” feel “that way”.  Often people feel or think they have “no right” to feel bad, “especially compared to others who have bigger problems”.  You cannot compare your insides to the outsides of others and while it may be true you are better off than so many others, you need to heal and you have a right to heal. Then you can decide if you want to help others have a better life. To use the conditions of others as an excuse to shut down your feelings is a short road to disaster.  If you want to heal, expand, evolve, live, you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings and come out of denial, like the first step in 12-step programs. “Admitted we are powerless over the effects of….” , then fill in the blank. You can fill that blank in with emotions as well as addictions.  The second step states, “Came to believe a Power greater than my Self can restore me to sanity”, which means working with Source towards a new a different life, a new and different you.  Then there is Shadow Work, cleaning out the old, lancing the wounds so there is room in your life, in you, for the new. But then what? Now is the hardest part, as it is in every version of overcoming any addiction which includes addiction to being in denial, shutting down, addicted to certain emotional patterns like anxiety or depression, old brain chemistry, old behaviors, old desires, old ways of having fun, old interests (like what is the best kind of weed or wine etc.). Now it is time to really live your life. But yikes, without all the old stuff, how do you do that?

You will live with your scars for you entire life, like someone in a wheelchair or prosthetic, or just a nose you don’t like.  Everybody lives with what they consider imperfections or inequalities or sufferings. People are born into poverty, war zones, countries that still sell their girl children, into families that drink or beat their kids.  I am sure you read all the inspiring stories of people who rise above unbelievable odds. What you don’t know are the details of how they feel inside, even now. How they felt during their journey. Each one of us is called upon to rise above in this life.  Some make it, some don’t, some make it part way. It helps to remember that you chose your obstacle course, your life, including your parents and your life conditions before you came here. That is not to tell you to shut up and get on with it.  This means you decided to hike the Himalayas and take on an epic trip so gear up, get support, take it easy and enjoy the views when you can.  Each journey is individual so you cannot compare yourself to anyone else. Again, you cannot compare your insides to the “outsides” of the lives of others. You really don’t know what they are going through. You have to find your own way, with Spirit, or without, with parents or without, with money or without. You have to start living your life, your own life.  For some of you this means being a first responder, for others, a mom. The varieties are endless.

Sometimes life is like a vacation, sometimes it is like school, and sometimes like war or natural disaster. Rise to the occasion. Don’t do it alone, or do it alone as long as you are not being a “victim” about choosing to do it alone. If you are suffering, hiding, isolating, drinking, drugging, it might be time for you to re-educate yourself.  Education is fun, and it is work. In fact, fun IS work. To go skiing or camping or on vacation you have to save, pack, make plans etc. to get there. Then you have to get up and do it. You don’t fly to Hawaii and then sleep till noon and go to the bar and drink all day. Well, maybe some of you do because that is still fun for you.  But even then you have to get up and work at getting drunk. It can be terrifying to start living your life, to start having fun, having feelings.  When you have nothing to lose your heart is protected, or so you think so many times people that are terrified of getting hurt make sure they “have nothing to lose” by eliminating anything or anyone they care about as a way to protect themselves from potential hurt in the future. That is not living. 

Living takes courage. Having fun takes courage. “Becoming” something will not bring you happiness. If you “become” a medium, a healer, a “teacher”, a pastor that is your work or “calling” (or your imagination) but that brings no guarantee that your personal life is in order or that you are attending to your own Spiritual Development. Many people with new age careers, (as well as celebrities) are living a miserable life and in fact have to hide their misery to keep up their image, and their income.  Is that what you want?  I believe that if you are radiant inside, and that does not mean you are radiant 100% of the time, your radiance will touch and heal all those around you including inside your house, your land, pets, and your plants. Why not start there? Start where you are. Let Spirit lead you to your destiny and fate which you arranged with your Guides when you were a ball of light in Spirit before you ever incarnated.  While you are “waiting” for “something to happen” start living your life because your life is happening right now. Everything that is going on is moving you forward and you can either enjoy the moments or fret. There is no “getting there” because each place in your life will also have challenges along with the joy.  Where you choose to focus, where you place your mindfulness, will determine if you highlight the joys or the challenges. Choosing focus is a discipline, it is a choice and it often is not easy to keep focus and choose to see the moments of radiance life has to offer you, every day, no matter what your circumstances.  Retrain your brain while you are healing and doing shadow work and soon you will find yourself living. 

Experiment with fun. Re-discover if you are an introvert or an extrovert. Go to Disneyland, try camping, eat new foods, hang out in groups, go alone. Much of life is discovering what you don’t like as well as discovering what you do like. You can still have bad days. Enjoy them too. Hold a pity party, just don’t live from that energy. Call for support or go it alone. Discover, re-discover, you.  Learning to live is a lifelong practice, as is having a Spiritual Practice.  Practice both, your Spiritual Practice and living Life, and see what comes. Life Path Healings.

Journey on