Lying as a way to not feel

Lying as a way to not feel

Some people are chronic liars, even to themselves, or perhaps especially to themselves.  You might not call it lying. You might call it being diplomatic, or thoughtful, or strategic. However, if it is your first impulse, most of the time, the behavior has become chronic, habitual, and out of balance. If you spend more time thinking about how to respond, rather than spending time checking in with your Self about how you feel in the moment, you have become a defensive obsessive liar. Not checking in with your Self, also means you cannot possibly be connected to any kind of Guidance. You have to be "home", in your heart, before you can hear Guidance. Guidance cannot be given or received if no one is at home. 

Being honest, living honestly and authentically. This does not mean you need to be Jesus or Buddha. It means you practice what you preach. Why? First, it keeps you humble. You walk the talk and that allows you to have compassion and patience with others struggling with similar challenges. Second, it changes the world. Your commitment changes you, and therefore it changes every person you come into contact with and it changes all of your interactions. That spreads. Bad behavior spreads, but so does Goodness and Honesty. Nothing teaches others better and more effectively and more profoundly than behavior. Does this mean you have no defenses and that you should be honest or vulnerable to everyone at all times, absolutely not. Boundaries are important, and choosing diplomacy is a mature and necessary action at times. The key word is choosing. You are not close to everyone, some are colleagues, some are associates, and others are best friends or family. You can be honest to yourself, and then make mature choices about how to handle dispensing information or communications based on relationships and goals. 

However this is about chronic lying. There are people who not only lie to themselves, but chronically and habitually lie as a first response to others, and usually with lies by omission. This can be addictive behavior. With this addiction it is hard to distinguish between lying to the self and lying to others as it typically happens as an almost instantaneous simultaneous reaction. As with all addictions, chronic lying is a way to create enough diversions for the self so the person does not have to feel their own feelings.  Chronic liars often look like such “great” people. They can be super diplomatic, or very clever and funny, or perhaps awesomely intellectual or any combination of these traits. They are well loved, and you cannot challenge their honesty, nor would you even think to do so because their veneer is so pleasing, satisfying, entertaining.  This serves the addict well.  Creating an external loop of “positive” feedback helps the addict to “feel good”. This is their alcohol, or heroin.  Again, this is behavior out of balance. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make people laugh, or impress others to get complements, however when this become chronic, habitual behavior, the new “norm”, it becomes a drug of choice. Balance is a choice, and a constant work of art.

How does chronic lying work to help someone to “not feel”?  Being an addict means spending lots of time, energy and thought procuring your addiction, and managing the results and recovery of the addiction. All this time and activity means you have no time to feel your true emotions. You are distracted by the constant “managing” of all aspects of the addiction. For the “liar” it means always placing your attention on the external, other people and their reactions, and that keeps you off the internal, meaning you, your feelings, perceptions, fears, lack of self-confidence, self-hatred, fear of rejection, etc. How does this distraction work?  The second a habitual obsessive liar even thinks of talking to someone, the addict is assessing how to protect him/herself and is composing a reaction. Often the first reaction is simply to buy time to think of a strategy. The rush of “thinking on your feet” is also part of the addiction. First reactions can be a joke, a complement, or an awesome bit of knowledge about something, anything, to buy a bit of time and create distance from the person the addict is engaging with. Sometimes, it can also be sex, sex used to create distance rather than intimacy. This is like the first drink. Now the addict (liar) starts the real dance. “Reading” the reactions of the person s/he is talking to, the addictive liar starts to build a story they think will “work” with the person. With each part of the dialogue, the addict is adjusting the story, the tactics, the tone of voice, the facts, what to leave out and what to include.  At this point the addict has snorted the cocaine of seduction. Seducing his/her audience the addict dances through the conversation creating the reactions s/he craves in order to be accepted, to get attention or to not be challenged or criticized. Hanging up the phone, or walking away from the conversation the addict starts to “come down” and now needs to recover from “handling” the conversation. Whew. The recovery also takes time and attention which is yet another distraction in order to not have to feel his/her very own feelings. This is the pattern of all addictions. Work to “score”, get high, and recover. All of this takes time and work and keeps the addict busy enough, engaged enough, challenged enough to not have to, to not be able to, go inside and find out what is really honestly happening internally.

For those addicted to lying, there is also the sense of power. They can “make” people love, adore, and admire them. These addicts can be a small step from sociopathic liars. Both manipulate people for control and and power however sociopaths feel no remorse. Addiction to lying causes suffering, for all. Those being lied to, or “handled”, suffer when they ultimately see who the liar “really is” beneath the created veneer or discover the liar is not really who they present to be (or their friend, or lover, or spouse). For the liar, underneath his/her presentation is the sense of being a fraud and a profound loneliness as the addict is sure people only love them for their presentation, not for who they really are. In fact, chronic habitual liars don’t even know who they really are as they spend all their time and attention tending to their addiction to manipulate others’ perceptions of them. People who are addicted to lying are typically addicts in other areas as well (usually secretly) such as food, sex, obsessive compulsions, alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. Chronic lying typically partners with co-dependency and people pleasing. Ultimately it is a disorder of low self-esteem, or even self-loathing. 

If you see yourself in this description take heart. If you have read this through without slamming your electronic device down on the floor, you have taken the first step, noticing your behavior. If you now choose to take on this addictive behavior, it is a slow but wonderful path to a new life. Begin with some new behaviors. First, pause; breathe three breaths, before any response. This will give you a chance to feel your feelings, YOUR feelings. It is a way to practice mindfulness. Notice what is going on with you, from the inside out, before succumbing to your habitually addictive behavior. From there you can make a conscious choice rather than the addictive choice, on how to respond. If the pause is not enough, you can always say “let me think about that” or “let me get back to you” as a way to buy enough time to go inside and figure out your own emotions and motivations. Being mindful and slowing down your responses creates the space for you to go inside and feel your true emotions. This can allow you to start making choices rather than simply reacting. You now have a chance to learn to choose diplomacy, choose a boundary, or choose to get closer to someone.

Sounds easy, no? It isn’t. You became and remained an addict for profound reasons related to your perceived notions of what you needed to do to survive. Perhaps you learned your behavior from a people-pleasing parent or an overbearing super critical perfectionist parent, or an alcoholic parent.  Alcoholics and addicts are chronic liars. They have to be in order to hide and/or justify their addiction and children are imprinted by their parents' behaviors. Perhaps you hate yourself and don’t yet know it.  Perhaps you are feeding a giant ego (also a sign of a wounded relationship with the Self).  The point is, addictions serve people. They were created in the first place to protect the person from uncomfortable feelings or emotional wounds. Take away the addiction, the pain will surface.  This work takes patience, compassion, willingness to feel the pain of the source wounding.  Rarely can this work be done alone as shame is always a part of addiction and shame needs to be shared with another human (and Spirit) in order to be healed. Shame and secrecy are lovers. Break the secrecy, the shame dries up and evaporates.

You are in a human body and some challenges need human resources in addition to Spirit. Addictive lying keeps you isolated in your own secret world. You must let someone in, a real life person, if you wish to heal and release the deep seated shame connected addictive lying.  If you take on this Journey, in addition to your spiritual practice, work with someone.  Consider working with Dr. Marie (monthly work) or look for a skilled and educated healer or Teacher, a therapist, or a group.  Seek and you shall find, if Spirit deems you are truly ready.

Journey On
http://www.mariefeuer.org/