The Curse of Success

The Curse of Success

In my classes and private sessions I have mentioned that I have experienced more people falling apart even to the point of a breakdown when “all (or many, or even a few) of their dreams come true.”  I have seen this happen with success a hundred times more than when someone is struggling with loss, setbacks, or failures.  I have seen this even with small “wins” such as when people lose weight, especially if it is a great deal of weight. They cannot handle the “win” and either put the weight back on almost immediately or find a way to self-destruct.  People leave therapy the moment after a huge break through, or someone finally meets “the love of his/her live” and cheats (for the first time ever) and “manages” to get caught. 12-Steppers work diligently on the discovery part of their journey, digging up family history, old pains and memories, then stop going to meetings when on the threshold of the “recovery” part of the journey where one puts new behaviors into place to enjoy a new healthy lifestyle. Why is this?  Simply calling it self-sabotage is banal and elementary and offers no tools to deal with the challenge of success, of progress, of new openings, more joy, contentment and more.

When you are struggling in life, you not only give yourself kudos for your heroic efforts for whatever challenges you are facing, so does everyone else. You are supported, applauded for your efforts. Every small step forward is a win, and any setback calls for even more support. You are accepted, loved, forgiven and rewarded with a great deal of attention. There are support groups, government agencies available to help you, people pray for you. It actually ends up being a great place to stay and live life and some people are tempted (consciously or unconsciously) to adopt this as a lifestyle. There is usually one or two ways out of the challenge, limiting your choices, your options. You just have to put one foot in front of the other, don’t think (it is too overwhelming to think too far ahead when struggling against the odds), and try to take good care of yourself while struggling. Often there is not much room to feel many emotions as emotions can derail the struggle.  Emotions are put aside in order to survive, to escape, to crawl out of the hole you are in. All of this takes a certain skill set.  However, so does success. That takes another skill set.

Success ruins your former identity and sometimes even your lifestyle. You go from someone who needs to be helped, to being the competition. If you were the fat friend, now you are the hot one. If you were the co-worker and now you are a boss, you are now part of the political scene of management. You might go from big fish in a small pond to small fish in a large pond and that pond can be filled with new predators. People who wanted to give to you, now want to take from you because you have something worth taking (including your body if you lost a great deal of weight.) If your spouse was “helping” you s/he is now threatened that you are up on your feet and maybe you don’t “need” your spouse as much, or at all. If you have gained emotional recovery from abuse, now you speak out, express yourself, hold boundaries and are no longer the needy, weepy, or shut down partner that your spouse and children are used to. Your family may have experienced you as low maintenance (being shut down) pre-recovery and with your new recovery skills they may see you as high maintenance. Government agencies are done with you. Your therapist may tell you it is time to stop.  You have time on your hands, and plenty of time to feel emotions that you had put on hold, sometimes for years.  Yikes!  Even with preparation, this is a lot to handle!  No wonder so many people make a sharp 100 mile an hour U-turn and run back to familiar territory.  The old territory may suck, but at least you know how to navigate the terrain. It is familiar, there is support, and you have skills for that reality.

Of course you do not want to run from progress, from success, yet so many do. There is no quick fix and no one answer for all or every situation. Some general advice is to prepare for success. Research, read, find out what others have to say who have embarked on similar journeys.  Just like first time parents research child rearing, rather than “winging it,” do the same with recovery, and success, and progress. Research includes talking to people, watching videos, reading books, forums, articles.  Sadly people seem to spend more time reading reviews when purchasing a product than doing any research on caring for the self. Emotional preparation is vital. So is a mentor or mentors. As humans, we used to live in tribes and small villages. There we had built in elders, and role models.  In the industrialized world we live in, we are alienated from the tribal structure. We no longer have meeting places for women, men, elders.  If you don’t have good family resources, seek help from professionals. Change is difficult and changes for the better even more so. Finally, trust Spirit, the timing of the Universe. Don’t rush forward…. you may not be able to handle it!  Go slow, handle your new emotions, learn boundaries, mourn some of the losses you will experience moving from “I need help” to “I’m doing okay…. or even great.” Even though life is moving forward for you, it is okay to grieve the loss of your old identity as broke, drunk, sad, alcoholic, shut down, rejected lover/spouse etc. Loss is loss. That old identity was a huge part of you; maybe you even thought it was you are! Sometimes it helps to have a “funeral” for the areas of your life and lifestyle that you are releasing. For example, if you are getting married, you are losing a single lifestyle. It is not disrespectful to have a myriad of emotions about a great change in your life. In fact, it is a sign of emotional health that you can tolerate and acknowledge conflicting emotions and the ambivalence that often accompany progress and success. Ask for help handling new emotions and new pressures. If you have gone from fat to “hot” you may lack skills in handling sexual overtures because you never experienced them when you were heavy. Other women or men may now compete with you or lash out in jealousy and you will have no idea how to handle the politics of “pretty” or “handsome.”  Many times people feel so guilty for their success and/or progress, they feel they have no right to seek out support. There is a concept that they should just be happy and grateful and any other emotions are a sign of greediness or arrogance. That is pure nonsense. It is scary to be in a better place and there are many new skills that need to be learned with each level of success and progress you achieve. Reach out.  Learn. And most of all, don’t quit when you get scared. Instead slow down, breathe, pray for Guidance, get supported…. and remember you will have to look for support; it will not come and get you as often happens when one is struggling.

Journey On. And ENJOY