Character Matters
Character Matters
You do not have to be a
pathological narcissist to act like one. Many people have narcissistic tendencies
and can “act out” in ways that match true narcissistic pathologies. You are not either a narcissist or not, you
can have tendencies at times that need your attention. Narcissistic tendencies can arise from the
walking wounded who continue to avoid their inner work, their inner healing,
unconsciously continue attention-seeking behaviors and controlling behaviors as
a way to regulate, contain, and sublimate their unhealed emotions.
These are often covert,
co-dependent type people who cannot speak up for their own needs and boundaries
and instead consistently manipulate everyone around them because when they were
helpless children that is what they had to do to survive. However, now they are
adults, capable of having the courage to heal. And it will take courage. And it
will take actions and behavior changes and all of that means taking risks, or
what will feel like risks.
What do some of these
manipulations look like? Under-functioning or presenting as the victim:
(See Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy): so that people around them will do
all the work, all the emotional labor of the relationship. People pleasing: In
order to win complements but also so that one will not be held accountable or responsible
for actions, behaviors or choices. “I was only doing what you wanted me (or “pushed”
me) to do. Seduction: Flirting,
using “subtle” sexuality (such as a focus on always looking good, dressing
subtly sexy, sending subtle sexy vibes not really wanting sex, and so much
more) on a regular basis, usually in all encounters and with both sexes as a
way to ensure that one will receive “love”, attention and again as a way to
avoid accountability and responsibilities. After all, s/he is so “cute” and “nice”
surely s/he “just made a mistake” and “didn’t mean to do it” as they blow off
another responsibility or work or commitment. Silence: By not talking one “gleans” information in order to
constantly “figure out” what to say, how to say it, even when to laugh or cry
on cue in order to “fit in” yet remain “invisible and therefore again, not be
held accountable for any choices because their choices remain hidden in the
silence and apparent acquiescence by using all their energy to “blend in” with
the current company. Choosing to have
relationships with wounded people: By unconsciously or consciously choosing
to pursue relationships with people in trouble (divorce, depression, going
through big changes, walking wounded, sexual abuse survivors, etc.) and
presenting yourself as in a “better place” one is able to “look good”, like a
rescuer or a hero and because one is now in a position of being “needed” by a
needy person and again this is a built in exit door where one can slide out of
responsibilities and accountabilities. After all, if you are “needed” you can
count on the other person not risking losing you by holding you accountable to
your commitments, choices, and responsibilities or your behaviors. All will be “forgiven” because the person in need, needs you.
You don’t have to be a
narcissist to have narcissistic tendencies or behaviors, especially covert narcissistic
tendencies so don’t get hung up on the label. If you cannot set and hold
boundaries, if you cannot directly hold to your commitments or honestly
renegotiate them if circumstances change, if you cannot in general express your
opinion or tolerate diversity and differences (instead of always guessing how
to “fit in”, if you tend to hang out
with needy people only, or people who you sense are physically attracted to you
or what you have to offer—or what they imagine you have to offer because you
present that, you have some work to do and behaviors to clean up . As you learn
to identify them, you can choose to heal and learn new responses and behaviors….
or not. But at the very least, start to own your choices. For more detailed information on this
material, see Dr. George Simon’s book titled Character Disturbances.
How does on respond when
coming up against these covert, often (but not always) unconscious behaviors?
Again, I refer you to Dr. Simon’s book as well as his interviews on YouTube and
as Dr. Ramani’s work on narcissism on YouTube. Stop giving people, adults, “a break”. That is
how they got this way in the first place. You are not their therapist or their
emotional cure or punching bag. Set boundaries, hold them accountable for
respecting your boundaries and also for honoring their commitments, and expect
outrages responses, everything from victim manipulation to rage. Yes they don’t
know any better, but letting it go only reinforces the behaviors. And you have
a right to your needs, desires, and boundaries and to expect reasonable commitments
and renegotiation of commitments whether they be personal or professional.
If the person is inconsequential
to you, yes, walk away. It’s not worth it. It is not worth having to go through
the always victim manipulative, or silence (expecting you to do the emotional
labor to fix the situation or conversation), or retaliatory attacks.
Retaliatory attacks can be physical, withholding sex, setting a retaliatory “boundary”
“right back at you”, and verbal attacks often cleverly disguised as (unasked
for) “feedback”. My wounded students
often start analyzing me and critiquing me as a form of retaliation when they
feel threatened (their image/ego is blown or exposed) or when they are being
held accountable, instead of bringing up issues when things are calm and good which
is the time to bring up issues to discuss and make changes as needed. These
kinds of retaliatory actions, behaviors and choices (and there are others) are
excellent red flags to identify the narcissistic defensive behaviors of the walking
wounded who will lash out rather than risk problem solving. And it is not worth
going through all of these if the person is not someone important to you.
People think conflict
and conflict resolution are red flags. Yes they can be, depending on how it is
handled and the subject matter. But choosing silence and keeping the peace as a
priority over becoming a better person, or having a better relationship means
you are choosing to protect your ego at all costs. The nice a polite culture
is, currently, a scourge and a plague. If you love someone or care about them,
you are willing to go through the labor of love to work things out and will
choose that over your need to look good, be right, get by, keep the peace, hide
in silence, flee, retaliate or other choices of control. Conflict resolution
takes a willingness to give up control of your emotions and your ego, in order
to listen, hear and negotiate. Meditation, prayer, spiritual practices are
needed and are excellent. But they are not meant as an escape from
responsibilities nor are they a substitute for hard actions that need to be
taken in order to evolve in this lifetime, should you choose to walk that Path.
Life itself will force you to grow, or you can risk jumping into the growing
yourself without waiting for life circumstances becoming so difficult and
painful that you have to make changes. It is your choice. Either choice will
require risks and hard actions.
Below is a link to Brene
Brown’s podcast discussing how white folds prefer to feel comfortable, be nice
and polite, rather than become a better person. Why did I post this? Because
becoming an anti-racist is related to becoming an authentic person. It is a
choice, not (at this time) a necessity. Giving up your covert controlling
narcissistic behaviors is also a choice. You can get away with it for a
lifetime. Becoming a better person is a choice. You can stay with your current
behaviors and choices and just keep “moving on” rather than stay and grow. This
podcast addresses the subtle nuances of the heart and courage and commitment it
takes to become a better person, a more spiritual person, a more authentic
person. While it uses anti-racism as an example, it is applicable to any set of
behaviors you have discovered in yourself that you now feel compromises who you
are, your quality of life, your quality of being.
Journey On.
Dr. Marie
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